“What’s your name again?”
He asks me.
“Have we met before?”
He asks me.
Yes we’ve met.
I remember the first time I saw you up close.
I was too scared to look into your eyes so I just looked at your hands.
I could’ve looked at them all day.
They were beautiful.
Not in a soft and polished kinda way,
but a strong and rough way.
It’s like they told stories of your manhood and all I wanted to do was put them up to my face and listen to what they had to say.
But you ask me…
“What’s your name?”
I guess you were all business.
Filming for your job and I was just a prop.
A nameless
plain
unimportant
prop.
You had to edit over an hour of footage with me in the background.
Twirling the ribbon in my Bible scared that if I looked up I would just stare at you.
You had to type my name.
First and last.
But you ask me…
“What’s your name?”
I thought of us before even laying eyes on you.
I remember the first time I saw your face.
We’ve only been going to church together for three months now.
I’ve only been staring at you every Sunday for three months now.
But you ask me…
“What’s your name?”
Your profile popped up on my Facebook and I thought it was fate.
I wasn’t looking for your profile.
I didn’t even know your name yet.
I lost sleep because of you.
It wouldn’t surprise me if I said your name in my sleep.
I checked your socials like an old man checks the morning paper.
But you ask me…
“What’s your name?”
Don’t worry about my name,
if you don’t know it now you will never learn it.
If you wanted to remember my name you would have.
So don’t waste my time with asking me now.
“WHAT’S YOUR NAME?”
My name is worthless
unlovable
invisible.
But I don’t say any of this out loud.
I tell you my name while I feel my heart tighten.
My name is…
But once I tell you my name you repeat it like it’s a question.
It’s like a song I want to play on repeat until I get sick of it.
I want to hear you say my name over and over and over again.
But you won’t.
You have another girl’s name to say.
While you forget mine,
I remember yours like a bad song I wish I never heard.
A song that’s so bad it’s good.
What’s my name…
Maybe my name isn’t worth remembering.

you appear in my dreams
and the moment i open my eyes
you're faceless in my mind

do i know you?
that depends
i always forget how the dream ends

you're not forgotten
but why can't i remember?
you're like a dying ember

spark your flame!
show me who you are
tell me of your scars

i still cant remember
my head is aching
my heart is breaking

all you'll be is
faceless
as time passes

i'll never know
who am i to interfere?
to me, you were a man who was once here

faceless
over and over again
til the next dream then

being known
is to be
loved
our little details
that are remembered
by our significant other
has never felt so pure

Like milk, your soul
pours into the hearts around you,
and your memory leaves remnants
of honey on their tongues.  

Yet you do not know.

There once was a boy who had it all in his eyes,
A loving and caring Girlfriend, A best friend who would always hear him out and help whenever she was needed, a part-time job that he loved, and a friend who would always discuss strange and interesting topics.
In his eyes, he had it all, and in a matter of a year, he lost it all.
His girlfriend left him for another man and in the same time frame that they had dated, she ended up married to that man,
A best friend that he took for granted and hurt in more ways than one and never speaks or hears from,
A friend who is now thousands of miles away and barley speaks to anymore thanks to his job,
And a job that he quit in order to pursue what he thought was right.
But how did it come to this? It's simple, he lost sight of who he once was and in-turn pushed those people away.
He became over-needy with his girlfriend, afraid that she was constantly cheating and did things without telling her, his anger started to show more often when he was with her due to drama that was out of his control, which caused her to leave when he needed her most,
He hurt his best friend by having feelings for her, he never thought about how she felt, and in turn caused her a summer of pain and hurt.
He also hurt her more by getting into a relationship with her after his last one and would make constant remarks about how he wished he was with his ex while with her, which pushed her and pained her to hear.
He lost his friend because he never discussed his problems with him and pushed him away in fear that he would hurt him to.
He quit his job because he felt that the next part of his life would be a changing point, good news is, it was...but only for a short time
In that short time he slowly got better, slowly made more friends, slowly got over his ex, slowly stopped with his vape, got rid of his steel friend that caused him to bleed red and slowly worked on bettering himself,
But that short freedom came to a holt when he was forced back into his old life, his old environment, and his old room, a room filled with painful memories, filled with the sadness and dis-spare that never left.
And now, there's more drama that's in his life, not from his own actions, but from the actions of others, actions that cannot be undone, actions that affect him nearly every day of his life.
Now, he doesn't have that freedom he once did and more importantly, he doesn't have anything, not anymore,
Sure, he has "friends" , he has a place to survive, but those friends don't listen to his problems, they don't ask whats wrong, they don't feel the need to help thanks to the facade that he has put up, a facade that is needed in order to not push them away.
His only real friends now....
are the vape in his hands, the sadness and the nostalgia in his head, and the exhaustion that he feels on a daily basis.
But he keeps on going, believing that there has to be a light at the end of this never ending tunnel he has placed himself in, believing that there has to be more to the story, more good that has to come...but he gets more and more tired as the days pass.
Don't be like me,
Don't take things for granted, don't lose sight of who you want to be, don't ignore the pain of others, don't get placed in an environment that you'll fail in and if you do, look for the positives there, and more importantly, don't let your feelings control every action you take, there are times where emotion is necessary, and times where it's not.
Keep going, keep swimming in your own sea, keep walking in your tunnel, and when the monsters of your past re-appear, don't let them swallow you whole, but don't ignore them, simply wave and keep going towards the end of your path.
It's easy to say this stuff, but executing it is a whole other matter, always remember that.
but more importantly,
D O N ' T  M A K E  T H E  S A M E  M I S T A K E ' S  A S  me.

Don’t let that black cloud
Rain on you.
Don’t let it soak
Your hair and cloak.

Sometimes it’s okay
To experience the drizzle,
Most often times,
No.

Don’t let that black cloud
Eat you up.
Don’t let it flood your mind
Of things that you can’t rewind.

That black cloud is inevitable,
Even I can’t stop the horrible
Droplets to land on my face.

Know that you can do something about it.
You can open your umbrella
Or wear your hat if you will.

Most importantly,
Remember that there will be a shining sun
After this terrible, terrible
Black cloud storm.