So used to the sorrow
One in the chamber
At all times
Cocked and ready
Barely standing
Hold steady
Stick the landing

Get back up and take another shot
Round after round
'Til it's burning hot
Slamming down to the ground
After hours, still not found

Digging up old memories
Pieces of the past
Hopefully the last

Page after page
Drop after drop
No rage
Still, make it stop
A balloon filling, ready to pop

Burn
Let it all go
Crumble to ashes
As it should have been
Years ago

What do you yearn?
A lesson to learn?
Letting it hide inside
Where your demons reside
They're living it up
While you're sitting by
Refusing to say goodbye

Wallin' alone
Breathing it in
The scent of misery
Of pain and relief
Stinging now, unforgiving
But stirring up forgotten brews
Only leaving clues

Burn it up
Break the glass
Let it all go
The past is the past
These pages are the last
Light it up
Get it out
Scatter the ashes
Heal the little slashes
And feed the flames until
The pain is long gone

Crawled my way out
From the depths of my own hell
I will scream and shout
That I'm still fighting
Because the pages and glass are gone
Doesn't mean it's over yet.

- Jay M
August 12th, 2020

I am water
in a steel pan over a hot flame
Dark thoughts bubble to the surface
Burning hopelessness
inundated at boiling point
Crying down the metal carcass
Tears drip to extinguish the flames
The restless sea begins to calm
The sting of the heat takes time to fade
How much of myself remains?

I pull, I pull
it’s a starry, gloomy night
the stars gaze above my steaming head
but they don’t shine for me

while I stand at a sea
a sable, sludgy, shining sea
reflecting the stars
that don’t shine for me

I pull and I pull
something resists, the mildewed thread quivers
a hand, scar-strewn, thin and exanimately pallid
i wonder where she summones the strength

maybe I’m just a weak man
when a faint, scratchy voice calls me
among afloating bubbles
tells me to release

Im standing on the edge.

A fifty-foot drop has never looked so appetizing.

 I want to step forward and take a bite.

I see the asphalt below as candy, and i my sweet tooth is aching.

 Im being held back by what little support i have left.

They tell me taking that first step has no return, that it will ruin my figure, that there is no plastic surgeon that can fix the mistakes i would make.

The cravings are pulling me in, i need a taste of the sweet release.

I cant get it off my mind.

I was speeding on the drive to the top of the cliff.

Every tree looked like a silencer to the voices in my head.

The street signs are my goodbye notes.

and the ground fifty feet below, is the beginning of the end.

Thank you, im sorry. Sincerely the forgotten.

my skin opens up effortlessly
revealing the source of life behind
it seeps through the cracks
revealing its secrets to my mind
the burning sensation tingles
finally letting me feel the pain
the streak of red like no other
finally showing the world i'm insane
the sense of release so rewarding
letting me relax inside my body
this may not seem so healthy to others, i'm
letting you know i truly am sorry

And I'll whisper your name on my lips
That brief moment when I could still feel you there
It's an empty space that I don't wish to replace
anytime soon

You meet certain people at the right time
They come into your life for a few minutes, hours
even years

Sometimes you get those people who are meant to be
lessons, mixed up with the ones who will always stay

And sometimes you fall so ******* hard
you stumble through the days
Forget time exists

Your brain is wasted on fantastical thoughts
and unrealistic expectations
That narrative you wrote in your head
doesn't actually exist

And if we don't tell the people we fall for
how we feel, are we supposed to go
through life wondering what if?

Cut the ******* cord
burn it to ash
*******, just tell that person
and who knows
the feelings may not last

A temporary feeling
They could just crumble away
and isn't that so true of the time we are given?
I won't let myself wait for you

We waste it away
and wonder years later
what happened to that person
we thought we loved so much

It was like a fire inside of my heart
the logs burned long and bright
Oh, but darling it was snuffed out
without a fight

I was never worth fighting for
And if you don't go down screaming
for the ones you love
what is the ******* point?

I want to feel ALL of you
the warm breath on my skin
Whispering nonsensical *******
into my ear
it doesn't even matter
or have to make sense

And to taste you would
be a sweet ******* dream
Always slightly out of reach
And that hail storm hits you
knocks you off that pedestal
where I so foolishly held you

And your fingers, those hands
once held this face, these hips
and I forgot what it felt like
to love, the way you taste

To have any ounce of hope
and it ******* hurts
Knowing I can't have you here
the way I want you
Unavailable in so many ****** ways

I crush my own heart
I don't need help from anyone else
And yet you are still here, not
actually here with me
An intangible thought

Your body makes me want
to commit sins the gods would
strike me down
for thinking such thoughts
Please, forgive me, I'll confess

Your lips leave me hanging here
like the former shell of a human
a ghost without a home
because home was always with you

I could turn these buildings to ash
with these flames inside of my chest
It was beautiful to watch it all burn

I was worth fighting for
We were worth fighting for
and you let it all go to ****

All of these moments with you
disappear into the abyss
© 2020 Christina Jackson