She stared me down a vacant lot,
holding just a vile,
of one thousand miles,
i traveled to lay where i was shot.

waves of tender hugs,
and secret love notes,
a love worth next to nothing,
a love that’s hard to cope.

she asked me why i had stayed the extra hour,
my head thought the truth
as my mouth decided to shower,
that girl with future demons
and tears she’d never have cried.

but why she follows
everything but her heart,
it’s a mysterious thing about her,
i swear i’ll never master,
like the strokes of a brush
product of every recent thought.

That relatable gay dream of running away,
Wind blowing through what's left of your hair,
the first ties to be cut.

That relatable gay fear, questions you'd rather not asked and that subsequent relatable gay sorrow after the answers.

That relatable gay loneliness, all hollow spaces and devoted secrecy.
Bitten back tongues and hidden colors.

That relatable gay moment of finding love in your friends.
Not the kind that you kiss but the kind you hold dear in the night,
as tears drip from cheeks to shoulders.

That relatable gay plan of holidays with your other gay friends, a real family, the one who would love you no matter what.
Cheers and queers and all too far away.

That relatable gay longing for love-
true love-
Like the kind they never show in fairytales,
Real and supportive, never hidden away or forgotten.

That relatable gay anger,
Boiling from injustice always under the surface,
Waiting to erupt in pointless shouts of grief for a world that was not built for me.

That relatable gay exhaustion, hostile slurs and benignant apathy blending together into a reality of unending fights just to keep on existing.

So when someone asks me what makes you a community I show them all those relatable gay moments of anguish and loss, of solemn support and stolen minutes.

And I tell them of how terrible it is that they are so very relatable,
But how wonderful it is that we could at least live through them together.

I'm crying.
I'm lying in bed and I'm crying.
I'm lying in bed, curled into myself, and I'm crying.
I'm lying in bed, curled into a ball, biting my tongue, grasping my pillow and crying.

Why you ask? Because tonight it hit hard.
Because tonight I can't get over this feeling of loneliness
Because tonight I wondered how anyone could ever love me
Because tonight I wondered why I was still alone
Cause tonight I just wanted someone there, and there was no one.

Oh this bitter, painful, insecurity that comes with the lack of experience in the love department.
No first kiss, no boyfriend, no remotely normal guy has pursued me.
And by normal I mean not weird, awkward, obsessive, a creep or stoner or someone just looking for something physical.
Maybe once there was a guy, but only once. One night. One date. And then he left.

i get up
from bed
staring blankly

i look at myself
in the mirror
and got myself ready

as i was about
to head out
i see the mask

i sighed and
got it from
my desk

as i put it on
tears escaping
from my eyes

i thought
i could be who i am..
but the real me... already
died

I’m a mediocre man, I see only, a pale personality,
I used to see myself as one of the greats, but that time has long since passed
as there is no need to see color, I’m but a lone survivor
How could anyone, choose to love thee, for I am constant downcast
yet your beauty supersedes, my weary mask, unsurpassed
waiting, I've been, at long last

Choose the right path, you must take, for a life with me might not meet standards
and choose me you once did, lifting my spirits, and changing my downed feelings
but change that is good, only lasting so long, must now change again
seeing life without you, what we could have, I’m almost dreaming
from my mind, I realize I never, want to catch that feeling
just another human being

that feeling you get
              when you’re on the tube and you’ve got
that song blasting in your cheap earphones
            you stare out the window, not that there’s anything to look at
     just a blurry wall
                you think yourself to be some sort of
cinematic genius in these moments
              you watch yourself in something of a movie
                       where you’re the director, the star, and the writer
       it’s emotional and perfect
             like a stupid ******* indie music video
                  for the song you love that nobody knows

boy: I'll buy you anything you want


          girl:....You can't buy what i want


boy: confused huh? tell me, what do you want? I'm sure I can get it for you


          girl:points to his chest I want this...I want your heart..I want
                  you to love me... and you can't buy this..You're supposed to
                  give it