Seven weeks free,
One slip, a sharp knife,
Scars for life.

Through the
Curtain.
Draping my faith on the walls like tapestries, hanging
Wishes on nails. Rooms filled with pipe dreams and hidden images.
Imagine watching you with that gleam in your eyes
I used to always love the way your eyes danced
Waltzing
Slow tones through my hair.
I know
The music turned sour in your mouth
You no longer wanted to dance.
I know
They always feared the melody wouldn't last long enough.
Showing you my wishes
Surgery open on tables with legs
Never strong enough to hold the weight.
Your legs
Your hands
Your bones were shaking the day you told me you relapsed.
I imagine
The way you complained about the glare of the sun in my room.
Too bright for your vision
Once your heart grew dim.

Addiction is strange
Years of absence
But seconds to crack.

S u I c I d E
Crosses my mind from time to time
One pill here
One pill there
Only give myself a little scare

No more calories
No more food
Dainty wrists must be good
**** the crying over sliced bread
Just don't eat anything instead

Years of sanity
And a small relapse later
Here I am
The biggest stranger

Numbness takes over my mind and sends shivers down my spine. Shaky hands and blurry eyes, yet I'll tell you that I'm fine. I dig my nails into my skin leaving it red and sore just to stop the shaking from getting out of control. I know I have lost control of my feelings and I am left with nothingness and emptiness yet I try and try, effortlessly to make it stop. These late nights drain me till I'm exhausted enough to collapse and eventually relapse.

There are no bars,
Its still a prison:



My little blue bird.
Softly sing in my ear
So your song may flood my person.

Amidst your music there is no wind,
Breezes cease around you.
Floating with my feathered friend on the quiet calms of desensitised  living.

I see of your gracefulness, other eyes are not so kind:
Brittle men and rigid woman.
They've never heard you sing.

Still my heart and close my eyes;
And Sing me all your lullabies.
Oh Little bird o' feathers blue,
In my ear shes hums her tune.


I beg dont fly, Stay at my side
a harsh world sits beneath you.
Without a song, i hear outside
The people make me lonely.

I need you back, come to my window,
And sing to me of empty days,
i recede at peace and just observe,
With numb songs from my little bird.

My little
blue, bird.
She only sings a single word.

May time please not forget her.

falling, falling, plummeting down this vast emptiness i've felt many times before
spiraling into tears, violent sadness & passive aggressive anger
further down the rabbit hole
i reach numbness, emptiness & an imaginary aloneness between every moment of every day
dreaming of another life once again,
craving of something beyond this world into another realm.
i never for a moment question my love for you.
but as this poison they call depression begins to spread through my veins once more,
i question your love for me.
& every moment of affection, love & kindness you give to me fades in hours from my memory
as if my mind can no longer cling to happiness as it once did
& every moment of even the most minuscule spec of negligence,
(or at least what this entity attempts to convince me is negligence)
becomes a heartbreak in itself & crushes my esteem & my spirit further down
it's getting what it wants, a mutiny of my mind & the very depths of my soul, the core of my being

but then.

in the very last moments, the very last minutes you have as you are here by my side
you see it in me, this darkness
this sadness & anger.
& i never mean to take it out on you yet somehow this thing, it convinces me to
in a way so subtle i don't even realize that it's happening until after it's happened
& you see it, but you also see me
you see the smiles & laughter, the passion, the fierceness, the fire, love & light in my soul
that once was & had never left but has been stuck behind bars
& you hold me & kiss me, tell me everything will be okay & that you promise you'll help me through this
& i smile
& my heart races
& my soul regains a moment of strength for now
& i adore you so much
because somehow you always catch me at the last moment of "all hope is lost"
& you know how much I love cliffhangers

Alone
In a dark
Quiet room,
She lies on the floor.
Guilt swirling through her mind.

"But I'm better," she lies to herself.

The dusty mirror begs to differ
The voices in her head don't approve.
She can't stop thinking about the fat in
Her thighs
Her face,
Her stomach.
She pulls her hair away and
Gives in.

"It won't happen again," she lies to herself.

Alone
In a dark
Quiet room
She lies
In a casket.

I ate too much for breakfast today
And lunch was spent wondering if I should slip away
Wondering if I should go back for seconds
**** it, why not?
My feet jiggled nervously under the table
Trying to think of an excuse to leave
Trying to figure out how much the barbeque chicken pizza would hurt on the way back up
Trying to figure out how much I’d regret it
Trying to figure out if my body was okay
My self esteem balloons up and down
Somedays I look in the mirror and like what I see,
Think I look cute and quirky in my glasses and skirt,
Think my body is almost okay
And then like black crossing over to white, like a light switch flipped on
No inbetween
All of the sudden I am ugly
My body takes up too much space
Loving myself, loving this body seem like an impossible feat
The little critic in my head is back
And he wants to move back in,
I’m not cured
Recovery is not about loving your body
Recovery is accepting it
I’m still working on that
The calculator in my head wakes up,
Regenerates every time I’m around  food
My hands still hover over the diet soda before forcing myself to pick something that scares me more
I still have to bargain in my brain
Eat a salad so I can eat ice cream and cookies
Skip lunch so I can have a big dinner
Strip naked in front of a full mirror,
Watch my body standing up, bending over, sitting
Grabbing, pinching, prodding, poking
Surveying this piece of meat
This thing
This body
That I know I need to be kind to
I weighed myself for the first time in almost a year
My toe lingered over the cold surface of a scale
Like a child about to dip his feet into water
I knew standing on that scale could drag me under
And I did it anyway
Loving myself is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done
When self hatred has been tamped into my soul
When my eating disorder was the only thing I good at
This secret lover, the most attentive one you could have
Took my hand and showed me how an empty stomach could feel like love
My eating disorder was my best friend,
The abusive relationship I kept going back to,
The most interesting thing about me,
The thing that was killing me
Having an eating disorder is easy;
Allowing yourself to slip into a disease out of your control
Having someone else make all your decisions
Your life reduces itself to the numbers on the scale
The slipping numbers on the scale assure me that everything is alright
But I can’t live like that
Having an eating disorder is easy;
Recovery is hard