Tell yourself you're worthless a thousand times a day
create a work of abstract art on your arms, blue veins aren't the only lines painting the canvas
forget what a smile looks like, but remeber what happiness felt like
sleep the days away, become a night owl and your prey is your own brain
**** every ounce of humanity that once remained
become the lifeless corpse you pictured in your grave.

Revive yourself
begin to sew the open wounds back together
start to remeber what a smile was and taste the sweetness of the sun in the day
live in your warmth, thrive in happiness
did life truly get better? are you finally happy again?

revert back to your old ways
the golden days were just a figment of your imagination
a wonderland of sorts

happiness for you my dear, is never to be truly obtained.
you're worthless remember? you don't deserve it.

they tell addicts
to move away
from the places
they once scored each hit
so she deleted
your songs
from her playlist
and never stepped foot
near the place you met
because she was addicted to you
and she knew
if she had even a taste
of what you once were
she would crumble
just like your relationship did
she was an addict
and you were her drug
dont make her relapse

s.s

Not saying I'm mad
Just saying that I've had
Enough of the *******
You continue to rule ****
Feeding on my young soul
Make off with self control

And where is my brother?!
The fact that I can't speak to my mother
I'm so afraid she'll discover
All this time I never actually... Recovered

But all feelings aside
Or what's left of them, subdivide
My once constant retaliations, are now merely implied
Moreover, You kidnapped my soul and continue to preside.

i can't do most of the things I used to
my sensitive stomach is now back to the state it seems to belong in
tied in never ending, always tightening knots
4 hours, 3 hours, 2, 1, half an hour
I go until im numb and nearly collapsing
eyes glazed and burning feeling as though
they'll crack at any given moment
because I can't do most of the things I used to
a hot cup feels like it can destroy me
but the stinging and lovely burn seems to reside in me
like something that was meant to be all along
old habits do die hard, eventually at least
but now I know what the decay can do
it simply brings out whats even worse next spring

I don't want to be sick anymore
She whispered to herself
As tears fell down her cheeks
She contemplated her health

Her eyes have opened, you see
To the relapse she endured
"How could I let this happen to me?"
I thought that I had learned

But mental illness isn't that simple.

It's all my fault, it's all my fault
Her mind starts to insist
I should've known better
I could've done better
Guilt bothers her like a cyst

I'm tired of living this way
I'm tired of all of this
To recovery I will commit

It's hard
Recovery is not a golden path
Easy to stroll down
It's long, it's arduous
But worth it
So worth it.
Otherwise in my thoughts I'll drown.

I will fight
I will take more care
For this new battle
I am prepared

Blaming myself will not help
Negativity is poison as well
Strength, perseverance and might
Will lead me out of this malevolent shell

I want you to not forget.
That you've tried this route before.
It didn't fix anything.
Temporary 30 second buzz.
Isn't worth the shame or headache.
You still end up right where you left off.
You're so much more than this.
You are hurting, you need a shoulder to cry on.
Not a bottle of illusion.
Scream, cry, sing... your way through it.
The feeling will pass.
It always does.
I know it feels impossible right now & this seems like a good solution.
But I promise you it's not.
Think about your beautiful children...
They are your world.
You are teaching them how to love themselves by your actions.
So love yourself furiously.
For you are so worthy.
Call a friend, ask for a hug.
You aren't alone.
You don't have to do this.

All alone in my sorrow
His stench surrounds me
I try to close my eyes and there he is again
I open my eyes... he's there
No matter what I do he's there
Like cockroaches climbing all over my body
I wanted to sedate myself and lay in bed all day
Moms don't get time off though
The days are long, the work is endless.
I tried to shove food down my throat to fill that deep hole within.
Didn't work, made me nauseous & in pain.
The voice within says...
You deserve to be in pain.
Take it you worthless piece of crap.
I agree, as I do what I'm told.
***** on my hands, ***** on my face.
Surely this is the look of a piece of garbage.
I feel better for a split second as I was able to subconsciously ***** my feelings.
I wish I could ***** the memories that haunt me.
I wish I could suffocate my feelings like the thoughts suffocate me.
In this moment I give up.
I'm tired of working hard to be better.
People don't want the real me.
They want the me that they want me to be.
My authentic self isn't good enough.
I drink my sorrow away.
For a moment I'm able to escape my pain.
I feel high...
Enjoy the moment, for you need to get back to battle very soon.

i am both the protagonist and antagonist
of my own story

every night i battle myself
weapon in hand
both defending and attacking
and the blood i shed
is traced with hypocrisy

i always tell myself i am better
than the devil i've created
yet occasionally i seem to overpower
my own good

so today
i went to war
to duel and defend
but i'm afraid tonight’s tale
did not have a happy end

s.s