My head being blown up
Just like my phone
I can’t take the pressure
What did I get myself into
I feel like I’m going crazy
With an urge to yank my hair
And slam my head
Against a wall until it bleeds
Scream to let the pressure out
And sob to release the weight

Life is tough, that’s what they say
But they don’t know what it’s like everyday
To wake up in the morning and go to school
Just so people can test you and prove you’re a fool

The teacher says you obviously didn’t try
But they don’t know you go to your room and you cry
You did put in the effort, you did your part
They just don’t understand that you’re not that smart

Then comes the pressure from mum and dad
Who are so clearly disappointed that your grades are bad
You are punished and picked on for the rest of the year
Because you finally gave up on your future career

That was once so close, but is now so distant
However, your parents and teachers are still so insistent
It’s hard enough getting up and going to class
Without the pressure and expectation that you have to pass

The worst part, however, is not that you’re a disappointment
It’s the permanent, never ending embarrassment
Of always failing and coming last
Of never being good enough, your confidence is dropping fast

Everyone else seems to be doing just fine
Their parents are all proud, unlike mine
Honestly, I can’t think if a worse place than this
When in reality it’s made out as someplace that we should miss

I won’t miss it, I’ll be glad to leave
Four years wasted because failure is all I ever received
I know it’s my fault and I’m the one to blame
I gave up so early because I was ashamed

To my family, I’m a failure, and I’m a failure to myself
Everyone’s expectations only damaged my mental health
If I ever have kids, I will always try
To make sure the fear of failure of never the reason they cry

People need to realize that school’s no longer fun or good
Because some of us don’t fit in, although we wish we could

You can get through this
You will if you choose
To focus not on what is
But on all you can do

You found your way in
You can make your way out
But if you don’t take action
You’ll be left there to pout

Not the greatest of statues
Repels the force of a train
It takes a man on the move
Telling the conductor “there, you will stay”

So don’t wait for a hero
Or occasion to fade
For the moment you lie down
Is when your bed becomes made

6/3/19
What gets you outta bed in the morning?
What is your motivation to live?

Buzzing alarm, groggy eyes, aching back,
Yelling mother, honking bus, ringing phone,
Bright sun, freezing air, thin mattress;
Surely there’s more than this?

Yes, surely there has to be a reason,
There must be a passion!
There must be desire!
There must be something!

Maybe you live for another life,
Maybe you pursue wisdom or knowledge,
Maybe you aspire personal glory or attention,
Your goals will drive your motivation.

Yet, maybe there is no passion,
Maybe you have no reason to go.
Or your reason is not bigger than you,
Your passion is not well-founded.

Maybe you keep going only for
Others’ expectations or demands.
There is only desire to please,
No passion for actual progress.

Don’t you want to just fly out of bed?
Don’t you wish to just love life?
You cannot hide your life away,
Because there is passion, reason, and desire!

I want to slash at my skin with the same intensity that the beehive in my skeletal frame has when the worker bees attempt to seal all the broken parts of me sickly sweet

I want to scream so that It goes hoarse because if I’m not being heard what’s the point of having one anyway

I want to take the weight of their spines lift the broken onto my shoulders so that the shrapnel embedded feet they own no longer have to sink deeper
Embedded further

I want to feel love like the love my parents have in the subtle ways  that they check in on each other
In the small favours, they do for each other

More so

I want to hear her voice say the words I have always longed to hear the words that I know won’t be said the words that are difficult to comprehend