Everywhere you see masks
Cities in panick
Shouts of corona
Life's indeed
For rent

The walls are
Closing in
The silence
Is unbearable
My breaths
Come faster
Chest heaving
Wild eyes
Unfocused
Nails
Digging into my skin
Trying
To ground me
Tunnelling vision
Scattered
Afraid
Help
Losing strength
I can’t breathe
Panic
Deafening silence
Desperately grasping
For anything
To ground me
Pain
Nails digging into skin
Teeth
Biting my lip
Grounded
Focused
Breathing

Lost

-jt

Melting mechanically into nothingness, hiding behind my own imperfections.
Fading inside, no one notices, no one notices.
It's ok though I’ll be ok, I always make it through.

Channelling pain to make my own pains disappear; looking down at my open palms wine red crescent moons passing across my vision.
I look up; It's my secret.
Closing my fist; exposing my broken nails.

A way of coping?
Or a way of avoiding?

Having to scream having to cry.
In my blurred vision, I look up, but there's no one nothing just white.
There's no one, I need someone, there's no one.

They say their there for me. They say their here.
But when I say, they say I talk too much.
When I don’t they ask what’s wrong.
A continuous circle.

Never ending?
Or never beginning?

I heard that all night
They didn’t say it to be mean
They said it to point us out
To make it known
That we were, in fact
“Being gay”
For each other
Like a couple

You’re cute and sweet
Mean and rude
Weird  and dorky
Nerdy and geeky
You’re hot and manly
Charming and handsome
Smart and interesting
Strong and masculine

There are just so many things
That I can think about
As to why I really really
Really really really really like you
So many reason as so why
You are different
You are special
Not like anyone else I’ve ever known

You’re so cuddly with your friends
But more so with me
And I love it
I love that we can play fight
And be mean to each other
But in the end
I ask if you’re okay and vise versa
And we hold each other

Maybe we’re just two boys
Who are mainly into girls
And maybe we’re just two boys
Who are too weird to say it out loud
Maybe we’re just two boys
Who like to cuddle with each other
And maybe we’re just two boys
Who happen to be gay for each other

Our friends always say
“Stop being so gay”
To point out that we are
In fact “being gay”
Because we are
We’re always being pretty gay
For each other
And I ******* love it

Panic at the door,
Knock, knock.

I feel my waning mind,
My breath distressed as I try not to answer,
My heart beating in ominous tune.

The anxious wait,
Streaming thoughts turn to screams,
Thoughts darting here and there,

The incessant drumming,
Don't open the door,
Or everyone will see...

~Robert van Lingen

Can’t move.
Can’t think.

Terrified.

Stand as everyone stares.

Head being squeezed.
Being squeezed more and more.

Eyes water.
Tears make rivers.

No control.
Lost control.

Happened again.

Stuck.

Calm down.

Shake away everyone that crowded around.

“It was nothing.”
“Don’t worry.”

They go away.

Continue the day.

Don’t let anyone know what happened.
That it happened again.

Last night you told me you loved me.
That's all I've wanted to hear for the last year.
But something seemed to come over me, and I panicked.
I wanted to believe those lovely words but my heart wouldn't let me.
Because I'm enough for the moment, but I'll never be enough truly.
I never am.

I literally just had a panic attack.
It was scary.
My heart began malfunctioning in my chest
It was doing 150 beats per minute at best
And all I did was thought of the possibility, that we'll never be.
This is what you do to me.

I spent, half and hour under the shower,
Trying to get my breathing under control.
In... out... in, out and hold..
Holding my breath in hope it would lower my heart rate,
Before it was too late.

I watch my chest flutter like humming bird wings,
My chest, tensed violin strings,
A melody I know too well.
Symphonies and notes that tell,
You are my heaven and my hell.

Will someone please call the doctor?