I've always been someone who feels intensely.
Someone who notices the things that no one around them
seem to pay attention to.
Someone that sets focuses on the small things and
romanticize them to no end.
Someone who plays them in a loop on their head and
overthinks every detail.
Someone who creates expectations for everything around them
even though they know it'll hurt them in the end.
Someone with a never-ending inner battle
in between their heart and their head.
Someone with an everlasting lost look on their face who
you think has nothing going on up there.
But there's something.
A memory of every half-smile, every laugh,
every tear, and every frown ever felt,
emotions ready to creep back up into the surface again
at any given time. No warnings attached.
- whirlwind.

You ever feel like driving a car
with headlights off,
in the middle of the night,
on a hazy day?

You go over that conversation
you had yesterday,
thinking that you could have been less incriminating.

You ever spend time writing out your plans
on a sheet of note paper and find it,
days later,
crumpled in your shelf?
And that tiny speck of self esteem inside you just dies.

You ever feel you have to tiptoe around your thoughts
because the 'real' you wouldn't approve of them?  

You lie awake half the night,
staring at the ceiling fan,
at the shifting shadows,
at the person next to you, lost in skepticism.

You remember that look somebody gave you
five years ago
one drizzly evening.
You remember that situation from last month,
wondering why couldn't you
have acted differently.

You ever feel like you're stuck in a loop?
An infinity loop?
Because that is just what over thinking is,
an infinite loop.
An endless assortment of 'what-ifs'.

Press 'Stop' and abort the mission.
Pull yourself together.
Give yourself that pep talk
and
go do whatever you always wanted to.
Every beam of light starts with a flicker.
Find your flicker,
it's out here.

Because one thought
is all it takes
to give you the most messed up picture of life.
And because one little thought
is all it really takes
to set things right again.

Why do I experienced body trembling, sudden cold hands, teeth grinding and clenching everytime I felt tense and jealousy

Lungs are yapping for air
Even breathing takes effort
This pattern can’t be trusted

Heart is empty from all the over pumping
The color red has turned black
The way to my heart is now dry

Eyes are zooming in the dark
Imaging the impossible
Imaging the comfort of my death bed

Ears are still to the nothingness
Yearning for your voice
Deaf to the words that will save me

Lips are sealed shut from the overthinking
Words want to flow free
Yet the only flow open is betraying me toxicially

Here I am
Still
Pushing my luck
To see another day
Without you

Here I am
Silenced
With a loud mind
Pushing my luck
To see another day
Without you

Keep the music playing
don't leave me alone
with my haunting thoughts

It’s a funny sensation and I crave conversation
‘Cause lately, I’ve been suffering from disassociation.
So let me sum up my train of thought from yesterday:
Why did I think it would be a good idea to move to Taipei?
Nowadays I can’t recognize my own reflection
And hide behind a glass of whiskey’s protection.
After work last night, I went straight to the bar.
The place was clean but a little bit far.
The signal was bad so I cursed my phone carrier.
Then quietly cursed myself for this language barrier.
Can somebody flirt with me?
Better yet, hurt with me.
To sit down and eat a slice of dessert with me.
I just need someone to hold me.
These few weeks have been lonely.
“I just can’t trust you,” he recently told me.
With my eyes glued to the screen of my phone,
I promised myself I wouldn’t be alone.
I called up a friend to distract me from my questions.
He threw my way a couple of suggestions.
I can’t be left with my thoughts for too long.
My feelings are valid but my head’s ******* on wrong.
I stumbled outside, left my purse and laptop behind.
Luckily, the bartender caught up to me in time.
Thank you to everyone who listens to my rants.
I’m just proud that I got home before ******* my pants.

sitting in my bedroom right now
staring upon the wall
overthinking everything

one day, I am sitting in the toilet
with a lunchbox in my hand
telling myself
its okay
to be alone

i try so hard to be a part of something
something that I may not reach
so i prefer to be silent
against all the noises around me

the feeling of
uncertainty
creeping up
my spine
makes my
head twirl
in an attempt
to keep all
my thoughts
in place.

3:30 alone in my bed
thinking over what i said
my thoughts on repeat
like a song i can’t skip
wondering if i’m gonna slip
up in the air
but somehow still on the ground
it doesn’t feel fair
seems like i’m bound
to **** it all up
no matter what i do
so why does it matter
what path i choose?
if i always come back to
“what the hell did i do?”
why does it matter
what path i choose?
all i seem to do
is lose
i always end up back here
all ******
and bruised

this seeems to be
the only path i choose