I love the vibes you give me
I love your many sides
I love how we barely know each other
And we already fight for one another

I love how this feels very new
I love my insights about me and you
I love how I am ready to let go
I love our relationship-flow

I reject fears, insecurities, too many thoughts,
I reflect sometimes, putting feelings into words,
I know we both know how deeply disappointment hurts,
So we're afraid to lead each other astray

But at the same time, we're so curious,
How far can we come,
We want to believe in us,
Because you know, nobody knows...

Is it delirious for us to find our way?
Isn't it obvious that we would love to stay together?
All the obstacles, if we keep believing, will they even matter?
All the opposition that comes and hurts,
It's only words.

Nobody can tear us apart but our fears,
And trying to control is the best way to lose all,
Floating, trusting, warming, lusting, dancing, in smiles,
Loving, time flies,
This is the way,
Now is the state,
And if we're meant to....
Then you know, we will stay.

<3

searching for a temporary fixation
that could fix your life,
you don't lack in the dedication department,
but your focus is scattered
and your effort's half-hearted.
and you want to get out of here so badly,
stuck in a loop of endless quotations,
but your mind's been underperforming lately,
sending out "save the date" invitations
to a preemptive memorial service.
that grave's been waiting around for a purpose
ever since the first final warning.
you're not stalling, just weighing your options,
looking convincing in that little black lie.
maybe calling it quits is your calling,
doubling down on the hibernation mode,
half-awake around half past five,
searching for a temporary fixation
that could fix your life.

I’ve got the ache, it tells me: “Wrong!”
And I keep thinking all day long,
Is this the way, is this the time?
Or is that what I do a crime?

The thoughts of worry burn me down.
I’m zoning out, lost track of time.
I wanna run away from town,
Escape chills going down my spine.

Once craving mind is now in ruins.
The heart can’t see, it’s blank and blind.
I guess I’m horrified of humans,
In cruel world I’m helpless child.

Cold hearted world is what I face,
It’s suffering that I embrace.
Looking for place where I belong,
It’s on the other side of storm.

To get out I have to go through,
Forget what I believed was true.
Though I won’t forget tears of pain that I cried,
I promise I’ll foster myself not to hide.

You want to know what’s wrong?
Why I’m like this? Why I pull away?
Fine. Sit down.
Let me ******* tell you.

It’s my head.
My own head—the thing I live in every **** day—
it doesn’t stop tearing me apart.
It turns everything into a problem.
Twists every word you say into something worse.
Invents reasons why you’ll leave
before you even think about staying.

I ask myself, Did you mean that?
Were you lying? Are you tired of me?
And it’s not you—
it’s me and this brain that won’t shut the **** up.
It’s a riot in here.
Screaming, tearing things apart, burning everything down,
while you sit there, calm, like I’m losing my mind for no reason.

“Relax,” you said once.
“Stop overthinking.”
Yeah? Great advice. Thank you.
Let me just hit the imaginary off-switch in my head.
Oh wait—it doesn’t exist.

I replay everything.
Every second, every word,
every glance you gave me that felt half a beat too long.
And I know I’m being crazy,
but that doesn’t stop the noise.

I second-guess every feeling I’ve ever had—
every good thing we’ve built—
because the voice in my head says it won’t last.
It tells me you’ll leave,
and I believe it.

I always believe it.

And you know what ****** me off?
You think I do this for attention.
You think I’m dramatic.
You think I’m trying to hurt you.

No.
I’m trying to survive in here.
In a head that picks apart everything good
and turns it into poison.

I ruin things before they can ruin me.
I push you away because that’s easier
than waiting for you to walk out the door.

And I hate it.
I hate that I can’t trust anything real.
I hate that I doubt every time you tell me you care.
And I hate that deep down,
I’m always waiting for you to stop loving me.

Because no one ever stays.
And honestly?

If you were smart,
you’d run now, too.

I'm top heavy; my thoughts are resting at the brim – no cap! Often
my lips leak their thoughts at the brim; and I’m a cup with so
much to spit. I'm words on a spit – burning away time, in these fires
of life. Always the unannounced guests, coming to visit your home;
to make it feel like a show, making sure everything is in order – the
house is live. Also, as you live with a drive, those around you hope
you’re a responsible driver, to arrive with you alive.

I'm the tip of a scent towards destiny – hoping the path where my
soul goes, my heart also knows; I shoot my shot with aims to shoot
goals. I hold the script of a child's life, and my younger self looks at
me, to play all of those roles.

But when the model falls, and rolls over on their stage, do you still
look at them as your role model. At times I know why my self relates
so well to a bottle – all of those emotions a man tries to keep bottled.
While life feeds you time; a man still finds it a bit hard, for that piece
of pride he has to swallow.

These days feel like too many moments of regrets, questioning what
to do next – like the morning after ***. The two sit up, deciding who
will go and buy the morning after; *** can be like sleeping with
your regrets – it's an uncomfortable bed, but the one that you made.
There's no shame in admitting your mess; just clean it up with your
responsibility, before looking to hire a maid.

That's enough overthinking for today.

i’m a functioning mess
or am i too depressed to move in this life like a chess?

am i not worthy enough,
or am i too stiff to fit in a formal-attire environment?

i thought i had made my best moves
but oh i forgot i am not the only writer in this life
as i breath the air that we are in, i feel suffocated, caged, and confused

i think i am too dumb and too numb
so i burn myself in the hearth of fire
they say “do not self-diagnose”
but i sink, quietly, into the idea of death

hey mom, your daughter’s not herself anymore
she forgot how to make important conversations
and lost her mind in the abyss of emotions
i guess my sadness is not worthy to be known in the media
so i’ll be leaving a lot of trivia

i befriended my worst of self and let her live
she laughs at me and i let her thrive
i don’t think i am deserving
i feel like i am abdicating
instead of sky-rocketing

should i turn back to where once i felt safe?
or has the door closed behind me, locked with the grace of my own farewell?

i promised not to go back, because i’d make nothing out of my old life
i just let myself sit in my room, zoning out with my own intrusive thoughts

my mind drowns in the ocean of “what ifs”
twisting itself to the past,
rewriting memories at speed i can’t control
too much what ifs leads to overthinking
and i am suffocating

i wanted to sit down and tell Him my stories
but too ashamed since i have a lot of unsaid sorries

the prayer mat stays untouched,
like a letter i was too afraid to send
i am a never-ending guilt-ridden, self-sabotaged being
all i do is weeping
counting apologies i don’t know how to speak

1-8-25   8:05pm

every time you don't respond
i convince myself you're done

my mind
my worst enemy

do you still want this with me?
i might ask

have you met someone else?
is she wonderful?
what does she smell like?
does her laugh sound like the most wonderous
orchestra known to man


the feeling of love
and wanting to be loved
is so volatile
my own personal current
pushing out to sea

Do I dare disturb the universe?
For fate is not in my hands, and
Life seems to be brittle, shattering before my eyes
A thousand fault lines running through
My mind, cracked from thoughts that flood
I’m in deep waters where air cannot reach me
I can’t find the surface.

Do I dare disturb the universe?
Overthink every choice, a butterfly effect,
A hurricane rippling through my inner world
Unraveling the tapestry of my future,
Warping every possibility -
No, I do not dare.