today, my best friend’s
boyfriend pulled a bag of
coke out of his jacket
pocket at the restaurant
table. i asked him if he wanted to
****
himself. he said drugs have never been a
dial tone, the only people they
do any damage to are the ones who don’t know what they’re
doing. i was born holding these names in my
mouth: river, jimi, darby, amy, jim… and
i’ll die knowing how much they
weigh. drugs aren’t a
privilege. i knew this long before my best
friend found her boyfriend on his bathroom
floor, blood dripping out of his
mouth like a lost
lifeline, like a wounded
animal she could never have
saved. i know i’d rather kiss junkies than
angels but i don’t want to taste that
pain, i don’t want my
mouth to mean something more than it
does. drugs bring you to the
top of the tallest thing you know
of, then strike you like a lightning
bolt until you crash into the
ground like the grey sisters in nyc
did once. i asked if he wanted to ****
himself, and he never even
heard me.

the flowers don’t grow as much
as they used to
during the yellow junes when her father
picked her up and spun the world
around them
so that it was all blurry lights
and a laugh
sort of like a freed bird

claws have been dragged through the dirt
and the field has been ravaged
and she doesn’t know why anyone bothers
sticking around it

she fruit she picks
from the curved, twisted tree
and the stout, shiny shrub
are not as sweet
like when the juice spilled over the boy’s wrist
as his thumb and forefinger pressed
the delicious ****** flesh against her lips

now it is bitter, and tough
and hard
if she finds one that is sweet
it is poisoned
and it burns her alive

the only land left is inside her
so she swallows all of the pink seeds
and waits for them
they bloom in her stomach
they ****** their roots into her heart

the flowers come back, in the end
unfurling above a scuffed brown sky

i want to go home
and swallow each tablet
in the bottle of pills
which are supposed to
make me not want to
do so.

You can't give love
only to take it back
but I swallow words
like pills these days

and the side affects
have no warning label
and overdosing is
too often fatal

each new day that passes i wonder
"if i'd have been there
would you still be here?"
if i had been awake that night and told you it will be okay,
listened to you cry and comforted you until you slept
would things have been different?
if i had supported you,
like you supported me
would my best friend still be with us?

but i guess i'll never know.
i wasn't there,
i wasn't awake,
i didn't support you,
and you're not here.
so i could wonder all i want
but it wouldn't make a difference
would it?

I just realized I would want a world like brave new world. Where death comes at age 60 expectably instead of unexpected death and the feelings that it causes. A world where feelings are not among us only on given days. A world that uses soma to relieve there pain. It's quite a nice new world a world unattainable.

There it was..
That heightened adventure that looked so bittersweet with all its bliss that I only had the opportunity to witness.
So, how would it be to actually feel it?
There it was..
Calling my name like a Siren,
Telling me to test the waters,
Convincing me that it's not too cold.
And She was right,
It wasn't cold.

It hit me,
Like the chemical reaction of a lit fire ******* about to pop off and explode into a million tiny pieces.
It hit me,
Like a dream.
I couldn't move but I could see and feel everything around me.
Every fiber of my body tingling with electricity,
With life.
I can do anything.
I am Alice in her Wonderland,
Exploring another dimension other than my known reality.

Dripping, so much drip.
I can feel my heart begging for more with each sulfur liquid that slides down my throat.
I can feel my mind exploding, taking Her in like somehow She belonged there.
My muscles clench, chills circle my legs and make peace on my arms where they claim their seat on this joy ride to insanity.
She has made me Her home,
And I welcomed Her,
a stranger,
to do with me as She pleases.

An hour, maybe 2?
She is drifting, like a ship sailing away to sea.
"Don't let me leave"
I hear Her whisper.
She is fading, fading too far out of reach.
"Stay with me"
She pleads, but I can barely hear her now.

I can't let Her go.

Up! Up is where I find Her.
I feel Her coming,
Running back into my veins.
Into my heart she crawls.
I can hear Her now, calling my mind to join this facade She has impressively created.
Not calling, but screaming.
Screaming so loud that I can't help but give in to Her game.
I'm rolling.
Rolling like a ball thrown down and endless street with no destination, no obligation to stop.

"I belong here"
She screams, grabbing ahold of my soul and intertwining Her fingers with mine like I am Hers for the taking.
(I am Hers..)

Lights invade my eyes.
Bright colors like the 4th of July.
I feel like I am falling.
(Am I falling?)
Numbness wraps around me, grabbing at my legs and knocking me down.
I'm being thrown in and out between realization and this fantasy but in that realization I see that it is Her.
She is taking hold of my chest, my mind.
I can't think about anything but this euphoria I am stuck in.
Standing on my legs so I can not move She hisses
"I have you"
If I let her I can die.
(Should I let her?)
An overdose and I am its host.
Her hands close around my throat.
(Do I dare let Her squeeze harder?)
I push, push through this trip I am so willingly taking and in response She screams in pain.
"Come with me"
I hear Her say and I stand telling myself I am okay.
I will not die today.
I will not die today.
Molly will not have Her way.

My knife cuts me.
I am scarred.
Drip crimson red,
my life is marred.

I was living in color.
Now black and gray.
Fading in violence.
What can I say?

Infected by silence,
deafening pain.
Injecting the needle,
deep in the vein.

Feeling the flow
and gripping the ****
Toes over the corner,
fall to my death.