Part 1: "Why do I overdose" I overdose to get rid of the feeling I have for you, I overdose to make myself feel good, I overdose because of jealousy I see. "Why do I overdose" I overdose because no one loves me like you do so I overdose. I overdose because of the struggles I go throw. "Why do I overdose" please tell me. I overdose because all my life people come and go. "Why do I overdose."

lessons are learned
and hatred hurts
but i'll slip away from your grip
just to feel the burn
on my lips
down my throat
in my lungs
overdose
i might not live
my body could reject this poison
boys &
***** &
smoke filled rooms
where'd you go my girl?
overdose
don't get too close
recovery only lasts for a time
but then times up &
it's back to the bottle &
drunken kisses &
rolled up death notes
overdose
no one knows
i can't help it
relapse many times in a row
third times a charm  
that's how life goes
you get real high &
then down you go
*overdose

Nobody chooses a bottle willingly. A pill or a loaded gun, in the end it's all the same.

We're waiting, still, hiding. In our holiest of places:

The kitchen and the office. A quiet sideways-slide into the last available stall in a casino washroom. The seat is still warm.

Teachers don't tell kids that drugs are bad. They told us that we were the evil ones for deep-******* a bottle of ***** every Friday.

They didn't know what we had to go home to.

Cancer sounded better than living past 20, and that's the thing that they'll never comprehend:

There's always a reason underneath overdose.

The only time a drug is bad is when you can't afford it, and you're sitting alone in a fetal position crying in need for a chemical bliss that you've caressed over and over; a blanket covering memories. Feelings. Emotions.

The only time a drug is bad is when you're too **** poor to grab anything better than a box of Benadryl and a dimebag of shake.

The only time a drug is bad is when you're anything but rich an' white and pretty, because then you're not addicted, you're having fun with the price of 1,000 a week at an all-inclusive rehab resort.

Drugs don't discriminate, but people sure as Hell do.

There's always a reason underneath overdose.

There's always a reason underneath.

There's always a reason.

he tells me the
words she does
not care to read,
nor understand.

his words
are narcotics,
rolling thick
off the tongue,
fat and vain.

i tell him the
words she does
not care to read
nor understand.

my words
are flesh wounds,
festering and
upsetting
to the stomach.

he's a medical
overdose,
drugging
to numb the
brash and pain.

i'm an angry
hornet through
your heart
and your mind,
livid and
vindictively
stricken.

thick through
your veins,
eyes a blur
and head a fog,
he's a medical
overdose
with mind of
a syringe
and tongue
laced with
narcotics.

my eyes burn
not only because they beg for sleep
but from the tears shed
too many have fallen
not just today
but in my (short) lifetime

my mind is all over the place
i can't fathom my thoughts very well
i don't know what i want or how i feel
i do know i feel alone
although i am not

i honestly love him
and know he's good to me
good for me

you are trouble
yet why do you continue to walk yourself into my brain?
yet why do i reach out to you?
yet why do you respond to my distress calls?

a few months ago
i would take back what we had in a heartbeat

now things are complicated

i don't know if i can trust you
do you only want me now that i'm with someone else?
would you still want me once you regained me?

yet they get even more complex

yes i may still love you
but i am in love with him as well
he's everything i thought he would be and more
but i'm not so sure the "and more" is positive

he is far mor ****** than i ever imagined
he is far more unstable than I could ever guess

i'm unstable
he's unstable
you're unstable

but you are by far the most stable out of us three
and i was the most stable with you
you were my stability
and when you left you took it with you

i cry a lot
i cry when i'm with him
not because he makes me upset or angry or unhappy
but because i am afraid
afraid to hurt him
and cause more unstableness in him
or get hurt
and lose more stability
or that I can't help him
that is my greatest fear

so why did i message you?
and why did you respond?
why am i feeling conflicted when i am in no dilemma what-so-ever?

is it possible to fall in love with someone while still in love with a different someone?

because i believe i have

and i believe i am going insane
possibly from an overdose
an overdose on love

                           -please send help

a.a.

30 DPC #21

Rebirth and Overdose

I drink too many toxins,
I can't sleep.

I'm feeling way too boxed in,
Sides too steep.

Don't give me the rope just yet,
I might do something I regret,

And use the rope to run away
and just forget.

**Remixed from the work of Aliza Eliora, and her poem, Overdose.

ink is running through my veins            
     your words sink into my skin            
       giving my heart an addictive dose
            words are all it ever took to win
               poetry-anything-even prose
                 every rhyme like *******
                     i swear i'll overdose

VERSE 1

Another year has come and gone,
I realize now that I was wrong,
For ******* at you way too long,
Blaming you for us not getting along,
Arguing with you until dawn,
We go back and forth just like ping-pong,
About all of the crazy conclusions I've drawn,
Now it's eggshells we are walking upon,
I hate that you are distant and withdrawn,
I'm trying but it's so hard to be strong,
I know that with you is where my heart belongs,
I'm reminded each time I hear our song,
This feeling is one I wish I could prolong,
Your love is a drug, I love to be on.

HOOK

It's hard for me to say, but I'm addicted to loving you,
Always chasing my next fix, you are what I pursue,
I need to feel your high, I need to have you close,
I just want to fill up on your love, so I can overdose.

VERSE 2

Baby you know you are my everything, my high when I am low,
You pick me up when i am down, I can't let you go,
You really are the best thing, that I have ever found,
When I'm with you i feel like I'm ten feet off the ground,
Nothing can compare to you, babe you are the best,
But when I'm too far away from you, I turn into a mess.
To the point I will do anything to feel your caress,
And rub my hands across your bare chest,
I don't know why I do this, a different side of me emerges,
When you get me alone and I give into my urges,
Since I had a taste I'm craving you and no one else,
It's obvious I'm strung out, all my friends say I need help.

(HOOK)

VERSE 3

We've been staying up too late,
This addiction I'm growing to hate,
My mind is fuzzy I can't think straight,
I've even started to lose weight,
When you penetrate me we levitate,
I'm elevated, my pupils dilate.
I try to slow down, gradually wean,
Myself off of the magic inside of your jeans,
But hard as I try I can't break the routine,
I'm beginning to think I'll never stay clean.

(HOOK)

BRIDGE

I'm addicted to your love, though it's tough to admit,
This habit is one I'm not sure I can quit.

Anniversaries are meant to be happy times
Times of reflection on perfect memories
But this one isn't, because
This anniversary is one of an overdose

This anniversary has no cards
There is no cake or presents
Just regret and sadness, because
This anniversary is one of an overdose

1 year today to the minute as I write
The worst memory of it all flashes back
my focus goes in a flash, because
This anniversary is one of an overdose  

I can smile at my recovery
but cry with my memories
This is the anniversary that no one wants because
This anniversary is one of an overdose

To all the goodbyes
I say goodnight
To everyone that dies
I hope it's bright

To everyone;
With a razor
Hand of pills
Tied rope
Dangling keys
Extreme height below
Finger over a light trigger
Electricity at hand
Open propane tank
Empty plate, with full glass

Stop, think about who you're leaving behind
I know my words aren't going to stop you, but just read
Did you bother to write and leave a note?
Is it worth it then?
Saying you're sorry, knowing you'll leave someone behind?
Stop. Think about why you're doing it
Do you have nobody?
Think about your opportunities that'll fly past
The chance of ever meeting someone?
Did you lose someone?
Think about if you'll actually see them again?
Being bullied?
Fight back, with whatever you have
Life shoved you down?
No, I'm not asking you to get up!
I'm telling you to get your *** into a nap
Think about all the possibilities that might not be
Think of all the opportunities and people in the future
Think of your legacy
Think of anything except the pain
Now balance the pain and everything else
Want to jump? Skyfall
Want to shoot? Paintball and games
Want to hang? Bungee
Want to overdose? Take 10% of it and party
Suffocate in propane gas, or blow up? Cook a nice meal, invite a friend or family. Surround yourself. No friends and family? Find a friend, build a family.
Want to speed wrong side of the road? Speed on the right side of the road and get carried with the wind, do it over again
Want to cut yourself? Cut off the pain and wrong influences
Electrocute yourself? Rather save electricity and watch a good movie with friends or family. Have none? Watch a movie alone, play a game online. Make friends, build a family
Want to starve yourself so you can get drunker and finally forget it all, when your liver gives in? Eat a lot more, blow off some steam at the gym and build a body that girls/guys would like, attract them and make new friends. Drink with friends.

I've tried many things, some of them didn't work out, or I couldn't stay awake longer. Create new dreams if the old ones died. Work hard for them. Achieve something
"At least leave a ******* legacy behind" is what my bestfriend, Steph used to say
"You can get out of this alive, but maybe a little ****** up, but anything damaged can be repaired" My bestfriend Josh used to say
"Life can carry you away without what you thought you needed" my bestfriend Divene used to say

Even more quotes from people I've lost in my life, so I ask you just think about it all
Still going through with it? Remember it's a one way ticket

The world melts
My senses combust
My fingertips tingle

The world sways
I sway
I collapse

I feel numb
Disoriented
Everything goes dark...

A light.
A siren.
A vision of faceless faces.

I am alive.

The smell of disinfectant.
The idle chatter of two nurses.
A buzzing in my ear.

I am alive.