When today's burden weighs you down-
To the bottom of Hell's ground.

Know that I will be waiting on the bay,
Wishing for Sunday.

I forgive you. For the pain you inflicted, for the nights I spent crying over you. For the insecurities you gave me, for the memories you lit on fire. For the mistakes you made that I apologized for. For the friendship you turned into a nightmare. For the nights I spent up wondering what was wrong with me, why I didn't seem to feel worth much to you. For the love you gave, and then the cold shoulder that followed. For the disbelief that laid tight in my chest like a fist. For the smoke that came from your lies, choking me, making me cough up excuses for how you treated me. For the good times times you make me regret. For the talks that meant everything, but mean nothing now. For the truths I'll never be sure were lies or not. For the distrust of love and people you helped instill in me. For saying you'd always be there, and then leaving. For the fact that I still care so much for your well being and pray for your happiness, even though I know you don't care if I'm alive or dead. But most of all I forgive you because you helped me realize that in life sometimes painful things happen and we cannot stay bitter. We must move on to better things, to brighter things, to better people, to brighter people. We must move on to heal, to finally see our worth, to understand that not everyone or everything I've lost was not a loss, just a lesson. To finally know what it feels like to be free of the pain, the bitterness, the resentment, the despair. To finally feel and know peace in such a hurtful situation. I forgive you. Not even for you, but for myself, and other people like me who have felt this before, and aren't yet ready to forgive for an apology they didn't truly feel they got.

Lonely heart of mine,
When will you ever be satisfied?
Always looking for the one
but never for Jesus Christ.

Now I am 20 years old,
Lord, I'm sorry it took me so long
You were closer than I'll ever know,
with you my heart has more than enough.

Jakarta, 1986

Wanita berambut cokelat muda sebahu itu terlihat sedang asyik mengamati asap rokok yang ia keluarkan sebelum membuang puntung rokok ke tanah dan menginjaknya. Jalanan di Jakarta memang selalu ramai tapi tak satupun mobil-mobil yang sedang berlalu-lalang itu akan berhenti dan menghentikan apa yang akan ia lakukan setelah jam menunjukkan pukul lima pagi. Masih terngiang di kepala apa yang orang-orang katakan tentangnya selama ini.. *sampah, pelacur memang tidak pantas hidup enak, ingat ya, kau itu cuma pelacur ia memejamkan mata sambil perlahan menghitung berapa kali ia telah mendengarkan cacian setiap pulang.

Jam yang berada di tangan kirinya masih menunjukkan pukul lima kurang lima belas menit, ya lima belas menit yang ia gunakan untuk akhirnya mengingat perkataan Abimanyu. Laki-laki terakhir yang memberikan segalanya, harta, kasih sayang, dan waktu tapi ia tak dapat menikmati itu semua walau sudah mencoba beribu kali aku tidak akan pernah berubah menjadi laki-laki yang sudah menyia-nyiakanmu ,kau tahu bahwa seberapapun mahalnya berlian apabila yang memakainya tidak pantas maka akan terlihat murah?, kau terlihat cantik dengan apapun, aku melakukan semua ini karena aku tak sanggup melihatmu sedih, aku akan terus mencintaimu walau kau tak akan pernah bisa membalas perasaanku yang hanya akan selalu ia balas dengan aku sudah tak percaya cinta atau aku sudah tak punya hati hatinya telah membeku dicabik-cabik sejak dulu, sebelum bertemu Abimanyu. Air mata perlahan mengalir dari mata yang tertutup itu, lima menit lagi batinnya sebelum mengusap air mata yang sudah membasah pipi dan meluruskan gaun putih rancangan desainer terkenal yang diberikan sebagai hadiah untuknya tak dipungkiri gaun itu bernilai lebih dari penghasilannya selama satu bulan namun apalah arti uang disini?
Ia kembali melirik jam yang sekarang menunjukkan dua menit sebelum pukul lima, diatas jembatan layang itu masih ramai oleh hiruk-pikuk kendaraan.  Tenanglah tak akan ada yang mampu menyelamatkanmu.

Jam sudah menunjukkan pukul lima pagi, tanpa berpikir panjang ia melepas pegangannya dari pagar yang menopang tubuh dan terjun bebas tanpa ada perlawanan terhadap gravitasi.
**Tak semua bidadari hidup bahagia di surga

The pebble doth not portend when it sinks to the bottom of the basin,
Neither doth the sparrow lie when it takes to flight.

Day and Night I´ve prayed for you,
asking God to lead me to you,
but time passed by
and I am still wondering
if there´s someone for me out there, outside.

I wish you were here, right now
but God´s plans are not mines,
I´ll keep praying for you,
My darling, I hope you too.

No matter how far you reach out, our fingertips will never meet again, and I think maybe that hole in my chest will finally close itself and heal.

Your hand is too distant to grasp but the gaps between my fingers are becoming smaller and smaller nonetheless. I think it's easier this way.

You held me hostage by the throat, but I'm still breathing.

I am not another person. I am Myself, not Yours. I am Control, Emotions, and Desire of Individuality.

I visit this tree everyday
In my dreams.
I sit under it and
I contemplate all the complications of life.
I allow the autumn leaves to fall on me
While I think about how well we worked
How we were like stars colliding
How we floated above the earth
How you traced your finger
Down my spine
How you pulled a smile out of me
How you made me feel different.
But a storm has come
Ripping the tree from the ground
Only leaving the roots
Of what once was.

And now I'm without a home.
    
                 t.s.