Tribulation and vexation led to this
Fixated on decamping the mess I was in
Participating in anything I had access to
Escaping reality is what I would do
I wasn’t too fond of alcohol; I wasn’t too fond of ****
I had a few drinks here and there, but I had control you see
This isn’t an alcoholic’s story or drug abuse for that matter
You’d probably be thrown off for what I’m about to tell you
Maybe even engage in some laughter
Waking up every day to my escape
It would be my getaway, my slave
Posting online what I didn’t practice
But I needed those likes, I needed to have it
When someone would heart a photo, which pleased
I admired the adrenaline rush I received
And this started leading me to a downward spiral
I was easily shot by the dopamine rifle
Scrolling through my phone all day, I did
And I could absolutely feel the tension kick in
Almost hyperventilating like I had to stay on my device
It was as if the devil telling me, I am a bondservant with no might
Repeatedly trying to appeal to other people
through a false world
Posting many pointless photos, my brain was in a swirl
And looking back, at one point I hit rock bottom
I purposely purchased things, just to take shots of them
& I also look back on posting Biblical things all-day
But not to reach out to others, not for the right reasons, I used it for my own selfish sake,
now that’s some extensive disgrace
Because I needed the hit, I needed the high
I had false gratification from receiving the likes
& I remember constantly taking photos of my self
Spending hours with this nonsense, I seriously needed help
And when receiving little likes, I felt self-conscious and worse
I was worshiping the flesh and depended on this for self-worth
But the Joke’s on you Satan, I serve a greater God
Who convicted me of the things that I was doing wrong
I desperately prayed to Him & kept hollering His name
Asking other believers for help as well, to free me from the cage, I was a digital slave
And it took some time, it took much faith
Sometimes I felt at peace with it, at times I had intense rage
But Jesus is a faithful God, who will always test your patience
Eventually, the fog disappeared, and I eventually awakened
Jesus set me free, but it wasn’t facile to move on
It took a few years, to witness what I wanted to see gone
Now I know my worth & I know my value
I do not confide in vanity, it is no longer my idol
I focus on important things, on things that truly matter
Like Spiritual things, and the God I run after
I know I’m beautiful, & others can attest to that
In no way do I want to sound prideful, but just stating the facts
We ALL have beauty, & gifts to offer
But put God first, and then you’ll prosper
Now I want to end the story with this
This is the story of a social media addict
But now I am free & you do not have authority over me...🕊

As you're lying next to me so still
I contemplate our life
So many years ago
you said you'd be my wife

As we rise in preparation for
another fruitful day
you smile and take my hand
beside me all the way

And as we run into life's obstacles
we've proven we're unstoppable

We both know we're at the threshold of
the winter of our lives
and yet we share the fear
since we're together dear

Still the time will come some future day
when one of us must go
I pray that it be me
but there's no way to know

And so we live to love another day
so happy that our lives turned out this way




© 2020 by Mark Toney. All rights reserved.

I was standing at that point,
Looking on my right.
Yes, there was a way on the left side,
But I was attracted toward the one with a light.
There were rainbows in the sky,
And a windy breeze coming so bright.
I chose my path I chose the right
"You will regret" I hear a voice.
A wise man who is tall in height-
Come on knees to,
Show me the left sight.
"It's hot and full of dark.
Travelers have left their mark.
Rocky slippery tough to climb,
It makes you taste all the lime.
In the end, there is a feeling of success.
There was lots of something white.
That could be snow or could be salt,
To know I have to walk through might."
It's left or right that's all going in my mind.
I have to chose which one is right?
The confusion and racing heart with thought involving all those but
I chose the path which bite,
I chose the one which made me fight.
Gave my days and all my nights.
Just to find out what was so white?
It wasn't snow it wasn't salt
All it looks so grand.
Want to touch and want to feel,
Its something beyond a big deal.
It's the thing I unknowingly crave,
It's something that made me brave.

If one is at an obstacle of an imposing sort
or with any other side step made, this state,
to find a way past each of these, in this life's
dangerous maze, somehow without mistake.

It's just that I've always stumbled
when I see that it's so **** far,
way beyond this side of the dark,
someone give me a way to find
the other side in the light,
if that is what it is, if this some
strange curse, a bad plight.

...or is it a greater truth?

Perhaps the "Gods are playing a trick
on me?" Or perhaps there is no way back
or forward. I look back at yesterdays
pain and see it's staring back.
Please.

Death is a visage we all put aside until
it is right there and there's no way
to avoid it. Just happen to be able
to keep running...unavoidable,
This and that. Stunning. I will write, I will
work, I will not hide. Eventually we all
have to face it, and sooner or later
we all have to try to fight it.
It's that stone cold that hangs over
you even with vices. They just happen to
be able to visualize a nicer tomb
than was waiting for you. I guess
that was worth all the human sacrifices.

Just thinking about it,
how simple this specific happiness is.
No obstacles or intricate riddles.
Just being able to look at happiness front and center, as if its an object that can be touched and obtained.
A material that stretches to skin and holds in place.
for a while it seemed beyond recognition; attempting to forwardly search the horizon, no able identification and completely hollow.
Now hands hold.
Many forms can be seen, whether its his, hers, or self.
It stretches miles, a face that can be memorized. Associate it with content things.

However, there are faces that shake the earth completely. Etchings that run deeper than they appear, stabbing pridefully; plunging over and over again with no remorse, even though their battle had nothing to do with it, a battle within themselves.
Thinking about it
and how irrelevant it all is. How ignorance threaded through enough to believe that their actions or acceptance actually meant anything.

See them front and center and feel nothing; association fleeting and less vivid than what used to be seen.
Now the vivid colors lie with what is important.
It took time, to understand its access.
thoughts too clouded to reach; thinking hands couldn't feel anything but emptiness.
Now they reach and feel warmth.