I did not know love
Until it was so obvious in front of me

I did not know I was supposed to feel special all the time
Until you made it known how important I was to you

I did not know love was what you called
An everlasting happiness
A reason to smile without having a reason

I thought I had it before, but it was not that
It was young and sloppy
It was about my comfort and not the meaning.

I know it well now,
But it wasn't until after
It was pushed in my face.

And now it's all I see.

I am constantly
on the wait
on the search
for that
something
someone
sometime
that will
make me feel better
that will finally
make me happy
for good
but I am sick
sick of
the wait
what if
that
something
someone
sometime
won't come
around
and I will be stuck here
forever
between things
between people
between times
never arriving
where I want to be
because I am waiting
for the wrong
people
in the wrong
things
at the wrong
places
to the wrong
times

                                            forever waiting
                                            forever searching
                                            forever stuck
                                            forever lost

She sways in time
To the beat in her brain
Rejecting the irregular tempo of her heart
Blinking twice to clear the glare
She stumbles once, again, and again
Reaching for someone
Who isn't there.
She wants
To forget for the night, blur into the lights
Drowning herself to blissful heights

Barn swallows zigzag swiftly through the air
hunting for flies beneath a clear blue sky.
Cord grass shelters a little brown marsh hare
frozen by the buzzards long hissing cry.

She sleeps on a quilt sprawled out on the ground
while a light breeze caresses her white skin
and bright sun plays in tune to natures sound
fending off nightmares about horrid sin.

I watch all this from the shadow of hell
as my flesh rots in the dark earth below
and fat maggots feed on my oozing smell
churning meat until next winters cold snow.

Heaven, earth and hell are all intertwined,
but mortals are oblivious and blind.