I did not know love
Until it was so obvious in front of me

I did not know I was supposed to feel special all the time
Until you made it known how important I was to you

I did not know love was what you called
An everlasting happiness
A reason to smile without having a reason

I thought I had it before, but it was not that
It was young and sloppy
It was about my comfort and not the meaning.

I know it well now,
But it wasn't until after
It was pushed in my face.

And now it's all I see.

I focus
so much on
that tiny piece of
paper that comes in
      every little cookie
          And when I don't
                Get that little piece of paper 
                            My day is ruined and         
                              nothing seems to matter anymore
              Why do I rely on such a tiny piece of paper?
               Generalized for the masses
          To give me something to look forward to.
        This means nothing
But it meant something in a moment,
and it could have meant something so
much more
If it were in the cookie.

I didn't know.
How could I have?
I kept a strong distance

Between

The both of us.

Not because I didn't want to help
Because I didn't know, and now that I do

I wish

That I didn't know.

Because it hurts more to know now,
Because I still don't have enough capacity

To help

I feel trapped by my guilt.

But you feel more trapped in your head
That's far worse than the places I've been

Because

I don't need to hurt to feel.

This is the first time
In almost 4 years
I did not say goodnight

It feels so unnatural
And so surreal,
That for the first time
In almost 4 years

You aren't going to say it back.

I can say it
And you will say it back
But I don't want you

And I see now,
For the first time
In almost 4 years
I don't need you.

You're not the only thing in my life.

blue drops fell
onto the rug,

the hair covered
in what we thought
could cure the sadness

is only soaked
in our emptiness.

I dumped my laundry
On the ground
Hoping it would allow me
To feel motivated

Motivated to move
To clean to work
But all it did
Was sit on my floor

I sat with it too
Staring at the pile.
Looking for the answers
Written in my shirts

Now that we're apart
My food still has taste

But a flavor of salt is always added
Because water falls into my bowl
Every time

Now that we're separate
My friends are still with me

But I always wish to sit next to you
Because being held is all I desire
For tonight

Now that we're going away
My life will still continue

But it will be odd for a while
Because you won't be there for me
Anymore.