Heart is no closet
They say—
But in mine
Each compartment,
is perfectly organised.
I neatly fold
Your sighs—
Some still
tangled in my hair.
Your fervid stares,
Vacuum-sealed
In a box on the left shelf,
Next to the neck kisses,
faded birthday wishes,
and hangers —full of
teenage lust—
pressed, rarely worn.

You are still alive in me
The way your eyes would find me in the crowd,
How you would smile looking at me,
I was the prize.
You are still alive in me
The short walks, the long walks,
The sunsets, the fireworks,
I was the luckiest.
You are still alive in me
Your hands always trying to reach mine,
Every time the coffee slipped off mine,
I was the silliest.
You are still alive in me
In the long shadows,
In the dialogues of that action movie,
I was dramatic.
You are still alive in me
I’ll imagine her hands,
I’ll imagine her face,
I’ll imagine her smile,
I am defeated.

I miss myself.
Not me now,
but before.

Before I grew older,
and learned awful things.
Before I stopped wearing sundresses,
and pigtails in my hair.

I miss the me that didn't fall apart like glass.
I miss the me that didn't have false hope
that everything would get better.
I miss the me that didn't run from her problems.

I want the me who wanted to stand on the sun,
and reach for the clouds.
I want the me who only cried over a dropped ice cream cone,
or a broken toy.
I want the me who always smiled wide enough,
that you could see her tongue through her gapped teeth.

I want to be what I was.
I want to be happy.
I want to not care what others think.
I want to not be rocks at the bottom of the lake.

I long not to be myself.
I long to be the version that people liked,
and wanted.

Lost
not in this world,
but from it.
I walk,
one foot after the other,
toward a place
I cannot name
or maybe
there is no place
at all.

Alone,
with echoes of memories
that feel like wind
soft,
and then gone.

They call to me
the good old days
but when I turn
to look,
I see only
shadows
curling in a vacuum,
and a silence
too thick to breathe.

The past is hollow.
The future,
faceless.
And the present
just a corridor
with locked doors
and no windows.

My heart still beats,
perhaps,
but it no longer sings.
It whispers
in tired thumps,
like a bird
that forgot
why it ever flew.

I am here
yet fading,
like light
dissolving
in the arms
of night
that never comes.

I've been finding myself more
in the arms of uncertainty and nostalgia lately.
Its warmth cascades down my back
like hair made of gold and silk,
draping its familiarity over me
in the form of weary exhaustion.

And yet, when I get too close,
it holds me painfully tighter;
or pushes me away.
Forcing me to feel the dreary shiver
of winter all over again.

Perhaps this affinity surmised
was nothing more
than a suffocating disguise;
its hands holding mine
as if they were akin
to the bequeathed stars above.

I intend to abandon its presence,
as it did to mine;
but then I find it knocking
on my door once more.
And what else shall I do,
than let it in?

i am afraid to love you
because the thing i have loved the longest
lays on my pillow in tatters

a bunny, a delicate thing
handed to me in the confines of my crib
the one consistent comfort i was allowed

threads pulled loose, silken fabric stained
she has known the sewing needle
like i have known the surgery knife, afraid

i am afraid to love you
because my need reduces the loved
to something ragged
seventeen years, a hundred washes
graying fabric
half a dozen holes

i am afraid to love you
and i do not wish to see
your threads come loose
because of me

I'm minding my business, I've got things to do,
Yet my skin is tingling, I think I feel you
Do I just ignore it? Do I give into chase?
Either way I know I'm ****** once I see your face

A heartache so close, a whisper so far
Every shadow around me turns to where you are,
I pace this map, acting like I'm fine
But your presence sends electrical shivers down my spine

I said I was done, it was my means of escape
But I've always hit the exit gates just after it's too late,
You see my scratch marks, a residual trail for you how great

I never meant to linger, never meant to be seen,
But you track me like blood, like you know where I'll be,
I loop around my guilt, vault over your grace,
Still caught in your terror radius, heart stuck in this place.

As I watch the sunset,
I remember the past.
We were all together,
in the circle of best friends
laughing about all the funny moments,
even the not so funny ones.
Everything feels perfect,
cause' I know you guys will forever be by my side,
forever be my friends.
Because of you guys,
I'll forever have a smile on my face.