Abuse does not always
yield bruises or scars,
sometimes the effects
are more like emotional prison bars.
Narcissistic Abuse
makes your mind feel trapped,
by painful memories and words
as if your soul was physically slapped.
The damage has been done
and it is hard to fight the lies,
that were imbedded in your head
instead you are traumatized.
I know how it feels
I have always dealt with this type of pain,
But between you and me,
I still get lost trying to win this never ending game.

i stood over the sink
waiting for it to fill up
so i could wash
yesterday’s tears
out of my face
when suddenly
i felt your words
grab behind my neck
and submerge me underwater
i could hear every
hateful word you said
muffled beneath the water
when I pulled my head up
the sink was filled with bubbles
and that was your way
of apologizing today
until you do it again tomorrow

my dad, his rage terrifies me,
the way he treats my mom aggravates me,
his constant neglect enrages me,
he is a workaholic,
sexist,
racist,
homophobic,
narcissistic,
trump supporting,
white man.
with a feminist,
bisexual,
free thinking,
Liberal
Daughter.
who never apologizes for things he does wrong,
never makes time to chat with his daughter,
who never cares,
about anything,
other than,
Himself.

What was I thinking wasting my time with you
I can’t wait to shed my skin
I can’t wait to give to it to the wind
You ****** my soul and left me thin
I can’t wait to shed my skin
What was I thinking letting you in
You took my heart and left my head to spin
I can’t wait to shed my skin
Seventeen years wasted, gone like the wind
Just like a scorpion it hurts, when you sting
I can’t wait to shed my skin
No more tears I won’t give in
You’re a Narcissist, I won’t let u win
I just can’t wait to shed my skin
Filled with feelings of misgiving
I won't fall for your gas-lighting
God please help me to shed me skin
I Pray, I Pray for a new beginning

Pluck my legs off.
Ouch. Are you happy now?
Yes.
Keep me helpless, wondering.

See my inner glow flying overhead
blinking for a new lover.
Capture me. Then smear my hope
across your sidewalk.
I’ll be the paint on your
narcissist, concrete canvas.

Maybe just keep me in a jar
******* that air hole. Tight and choking.
If I light up will you
poke another?
No.
Hold onto the side looking
through glass until I fade.

I remember what you said.
I didn’t want to live anyway.

He pulled out a box after our first fight.
He told me I must fit inside.
I should have ran away that day,
but instead I offered him my wrist,
to begin the break down of my body parts.
My arm fractured easily and bent back on itself.
My femur took a lot of force,
but eventually it gave way,
and no longer did I stand.
My hips were cranked in opposite directions,
as if twisting apart an apple.
The crunch of the bone gears meshing together and apart
reverberated in my head.
The pain of that break sent me into a blackout.
When it came time for my spine,
he didn't have to touch a single vertebrate,
I shattered every single one,
just
for
you.

I know you rode into my life on a white horse
Handsome, charming, caring and  intelligent
You spent hours upon hours invested in just me
Poems, stories, intimacy and words of love so soon

I know I craved the love, the care, the whispered words of family
Craved those words and feelings at the core of my being
So, I listened, I accepted, I trusted , I had faith
Those words, that love, that like a child, I so coveted

I know I was scared but wanted to love this man
Scared of your words were they truth?
Yes, please say yes, my heart argued with my mind
Of the speed – too fast my mind argued with my heart

I know you were a nine-year old little boy
Traumatized, abused, neglected
Getting into trouble to be seen and heard
To be cared for as a child of God with grace and love

I know your mind is poisoned
Poisoned with PTSD, bipolar, and traumas of war
I did not judge, I accepted, I listened, I understood, I supported
I believed the poison would not become part of us

I know you needed me
Needed my attention, my touch, my desire
Needed my presence, my life, my inner being, my laugh
Needed to feed your ego so you as a man could soar

I know I wanted so much to believe you were real
The man who told me the story of two acorns
Becoming a strong tree rooted in love
The man who took me church to say “marry me”

The man whose prose took us to faraway places
The man who sang me, “All of Me”
The man who idolized my existence
Who made me feel we would grow old holding hands

I know I said “I do, until death do us part”
In the presence of God, family and friends
I finally found the one who listens and understands
Allows emotion to flow from my eyes without fear and judgment

I know the poetic man was a mask
Needed for you to survive, feel, exist, and live
A mask that hid authentic dark truths behind beautiful words
Truths you never shared with me, your wife

I know when I needed you, you were not there
When I needed a soft place to land, concrete was where I fell
Your attention turned elsewhere,
An ailment, a child, an ex, a job or lack there of

I know your presence was not with me
Day and night your mind a million other places
Spinning round and round as it shot at tiny shiny flashes of light
You did not see me, you did not hear me – did I exist?

I know I fell from your pedestal as I pulled away
Emotionally unsafe, my inner child curled into a ball
He will hurt you, he does not love you,
Even his beautiful words could not pull me back to him

I know your hands touched me when I did not want them to
As you hurled your words of attraction and need for intimacy
And claimed “I am your husband”
I recoiled in fear

I know that without my emotional energy
Your ego shriveled into a dark mass and you sank so low
I became irrelevant and of no value to your life
Try as you may,  there was nothing left of me for you to feed

I know you made me feel crazy and confused
Ice in your eyes where once there was love
As your words and actions got ever so far apart
My questions were answered with disdain, tirades, judgments of right and wrong

I know in your darkness
You attacked my children, my parenting and my wants and my needs
Nothing I could do was enough – you required what I could no longer provide
You threw words of venom against me to my family and friends
“She is going to **** herself”
“I can’t help her anymore”
“She is having an episode”
“She is violent and out of control”
“She is having a breakdown”
“She is making bad decisions”
“She is making threats”
‘I am very upset and scared”


I know I felt fear -
Fear for my sanity
Fear for my marriage
Fear for the safety of myself and my children
Fear of the reality that was now mine
Fear that I made a terrible mistake that rainy day I said “I do”

I know when my value was no more, you discarded me
Discarded me – your wife being worthy of only an email
“Do not contact me except for items related to divorce”
You informed….

I know I no longer exist
That my goodness is gone from your thoughts and mind
Replaced by your reasons that you are my victim as those who have come before
As you search of your next source of energy in which you need to survive.

I know that I am left to pick up the pieces
To understand the tornado that blew through my life
And left nothing of us in the wake of its storm
I leave the pain, sorrow, sadness and confusion at Jesus’ feet.
For in Him I will continue on.

That's not what I meant to say.
I know my words glide through your flesh like a hot knife through soft butter,
But we both know that muscle only bows to a master outside...
That demon that lies sleeping beneath a cavern of insecurity inside my skull
Pledges loyalty to only one master
And you know I don't like to talk about him.

I speak for redemption.
I can't live my life knowing that everyone knows what I am.
Vindicate me so that I can get a moment of sleep and maybe then I won't hate you so much.

Sure, I'd like to crush your teeth out of your head,
But what would that do but send you into swirling fits,
Speaking blasphemous truths through your gums, beating?

Say you forgive me.
I deserve it.
I need it and you know you need it.
Quid pro quo.
Let me hurt you so you can forgive me.
Vindicate me.
You need to forgive like I need forgiveness.