Prozac
It’s my own drug
Like a personalized brand of *******
Bringing me high as a kite
Not on the effects of a narcotic
But on fake happiness

Prozac
Almost as addictive as ****
Leaving me with an ache behind my eyes
When it fades away it leaves me with nothing
No protection, no refuge from the insanity
Only me
Only me
Only me
Only me
Only me.

Prozac
Oh how I breathe for you
I desire to be carried away from this hollow place
This empty room
This cold-hearted house
Fly me away
Allow me to perch upon your pure white wings
And get taken to a place that doesn’t exist

I quit my swallows for the swallow that the doctor gave me. Never thought i'd see the day they told me getting high would solve my problems. It don't even work no more. I need my self medication.

Tried counting normal sheep.
It didn’t work.
None of them seem to have that je ne sais quoi
that Eastern - European sleep sheep have.

Tried counting good and bad memories. On an invisible flip chart.
Just like in my youth corporation.
I presented the situation to my inner Earth, waiting for feedback and good vibes.
All I got was a mosquito in my left ear.

Tried counting all the nights when I couldn’t sleep but
I was never good with imaginary numbers.

Then.. I started counting all the “I’m sorry”s,
“I love thee”s
and “It wasn’t me to pull the trigger, your honor!”s,
slowly falling in a pit full of
alligator dreams, just waiting
to bite on my neck.

Sleep made me weak.
Sleep made me spill all the meds on the wooden floor and
suddenly, I started seeing the truth through a pair
of 3D cardboard glasses.

Then I started to feel blue and it all happened so fast, officer!

I thought the pill would bring me happyness but all it did was occasionally remove depression.
She was all i knew; there's nothing left to feel.

As i watch her walk away, i wish i could cry.

So you wonder what it is like?
What it's like to rely on drugs to get by?
No it is not the greatness you were promised.
No you are not cured with a bit if lithium.
No not even the Prozac helps.
It just pushes you deep into the ocean.

You wonder what it is like?
What it is like to drown in the ocean.
I will tell you now it is not fun either.
The grey waves push you down to the depths and the light disappears.
That's when you are introduced to the silver.
That is when the silver begins to nip at your pale freckled wrists.
The ocean is not an easy swim.
No sun tanning here.

You wonder what it is like?
What it is like to be thrown into the sky?
Yeah it's fun at first.
But eventually what goes up must come down to earth.
I crash hard from my natural high.
And you thought it was fun.

Just a word of advice.
Never try to experience first hand what it is like.
By doing that you pretty much sacrifice your life.
Hand over your light.
Exchange it for a contract with the blade.
Get ready to meet the doctors.
Get ready for the long white halls to become home.
Get ready to take nasty tasting pills.
Because that will be your life.
Never wish to e mentally ill.
Those who are would trade anything to be sane again.
At least I would.

name: grace
age: seventeen
grade: high school junior
social security number: 6- wait

when you first meet someone,
they'll ask tons of questions.
but what's too personal
you'll have to decide for yourself.

what will I own up to?
a lot.
I give the straight out truth.
staying private isn't a concern of mine.
what's one of my truths?
I've been on medication-
a lot of it.

Zoloft, Prozac, Xanax...
you name it.
depression wasn't a choice
but I chose to get help
and for me that meant medicine.
am I dependent on it?
I fear so

I lost my dad before he died.
drugs are a scary thing.
my mom didn't want to see me taken away
so we left before I could remember.
do I know what really happened?
barely.
he died when I was six.
when I uncovered a sliver of the reality
I made that promise.
I'll never do drugs

I'm in control of my life.
chemicals aren't going to affect how I act.
except they do.
every day.
I can't get through my day without them.
I learned what happens when I do.

the dizziness
nauseousness
headache
horrifying nightmares
did someone just call me or am i hallucinating?
why is my foot tingling
reality of not having it one day.

it's called withdrawal.
I get it from missing a dose.
some get it when they can't find-- whatever they want.
is this going to be my life?
constant medication or I'm back to depression?
who am I without those prescriptions?
I can't remember- it's been three years.

why do I need this to function?
am I dependent?
I'm just the same as the rest of them
maybe I am doing drugs.

It's been a year since I was really bad
I was on the edge of falling
I cleaned up my act
I started taking meds
I ate more
I cried less
I slept
I became numb to everything
It felt like I was living in a dream
My brain was empty
I hated it
I got fat
I lost control
I started making excuses
So then I stopped taking the meds
It does crazy stuff to your head when you stop cold turkey
Suicide was all that was on my mind
But I decided that I would rather be honest with myself
and feel what I'm feeling
Instead of masking my mind everyday
My aunt avoided her mind
Stacked her body full of pills
She stopped eating
Now she weighs 85 lbs and her kids have to watch her
I don't want to be like that
I would rather be dead
This isn't really a poem
More of a rant
I just want to die
And I decided that
It's actually okay to feel like that.
I'm getting bad again.

I did what I was supposed to do
Yet it is turning out the same
I'm still running out of green pills
The ones that keep me sane

I did what I was supposed to do
Yet I still feel the same
I'm taking more orange pills
For I fear I'm going insane

I did what I was supposed to do
I counted to ten
But then I kept counting
Hoping I'd see my self around the bend

I did what I was supposed to do
It didn't really change a thing
I made a dreaded phone call
At least the voices were nowhere to sing

I did what I was supposed to do
It doesn't help the present problem
I made an appointment
At least I called them

I did what I was supposed to do
I left the house how I should
I kept my responsibilities
At least I could

I did what I was supposed to do
But I still feel the same
All of these **** things
And I still feel insane

Your gracious Light extends
You have Healed my brokenness
On You I can depend
You touched my pain with Loving Hands
Anointing hurts and woes
It's like a warm embrace and kiss
And Love that OVERFLOWS!
Thank you for what You have done
The Healing You have wrought
This kind of Restoration
Can't be obtained or bought
I need no Hydrocodone
I have no need for pills
I have my Balm of Gilead

And I ALWAYS WILL!


SoulSurvivor
(c) 3/10/2016