i search for memories buried under
miles of debris and find
that i remember i was happy once.

i scour my memories so hard until i can
no longer tell if my hands are bleeding
blood or rust.
this is where i realize that i do not
remember what happiness feels like.

is it more depressing to have never
been happy,
or to know you were happy once
without knowing
what it meant
      what it was
             what it felt like
                   that you'd lose it . . .

****** you
for being the only thing
that hurts me enough to write about
for not being a part of my heart anymore
but loitering in my brain
inhibiting anything else I try and create,
*******
I want to write about anything else
but I have not felt that much since

Falling in half love
With everyone I meet,
Scared to go in past my feet.
Afraid to open up
Hesitant to divulge feelings
That hang as painful cliches
But hurt just the same
as if they were open wounds
the salty sting, the frantic "ooh"
I love that blood is blue before it hits the air
My skin was fair before you hit me, I hadn't seen that shade of blue,
but it came in different waves, different shapes too.
I still wonder what healing is like for you.

Or if you even had to.

You never had to heal,
never broke,
never choked on your own tears
begging for one more chance to prove yourself to me,
you would never bleed

you left your love marks
on my chest

i left mine in your heart

i still find your hair ties
in my room

i dont know what to do with them

i'd mail them back
but i need to know you were here

It is only a fool whom can be finessed.
So fools, when you come.. please come correct.
This is Me! Or did you forget?
In secret you envy me.
Because you can't spell Truth without a T.
Trying to get more from me,
**** around and end up with less.
If you want to gamble,
I'll raise your bet.
I called your bluff long before I seen you sweat.
Love to see me at my worst?
Then Hate will fill your eyes when I'm at my best.
Do yourself a favor..
Stay in your lane,
And watch your step.

BRB, LOL
***, what the hell?
Can't today's kids learn to spell?
The things they write
I cannot tell
Has education
Gone to hell?
Can someone out there help me?

I can't read what they've written down
They're writing's really rotten
Penmanship's a basic skill
That most kids have forgotten

****, BRB
404 AND BBC
These don't mean a thing to me
Can someone out there help me?

Spellcheck is their holy grail
Without this app, most kids would fail
There'd be no words in tales they tell
Can someone out there help them?

I read a letter I received
The writing I could not believe
I've seen better on my sleeve
Can someone out there read this?

GFN, GFAP
FAQ, ASAP
Explain what I just wrote to me
Can someone out there help....please?

my sadness knows no love
my sadness knows no fear
my sadness knows no pain
my sadness knows no end
my sadness knows no happy endings
my sadness knows no sleep

my sadness knows lies
my sadness knows death
my sadness knows scars
my sadness knows eulogies
my sadness knows 2am voices
my sadness knows 4am shadows

my sadness - knows how to hit every Self-Destruct button and watch me disintegrate into a million and one pieces, and then hits the buttons again

I'm trying to find the words to write about you
I don't have an idea of what to say
Because you don't feel real anymore
You feel like a dream I had a few nights ago that was inevitably cut short.
It's so hard to get out how I feel when everything I want to say is stupid and pointless because it never happened.
I have conversations we had, and I have the memories, but I don't have proof these things exist outside my own head.
The you in my memories isn't the same you as today who can't look me in my eye.