im such a *******
hedonist
obsessed with the chase
afraid of the fallout

i told the stars about you
and they smiled
blinking, brilliant against the bright
is he as beautiful as us?
they asked.
more so,
i said.
is he worth falling for?
before i could hesitate
my tongue,
still drunk with the taste of your lips,
said yes.

and so i fell
in love-
out of the sky-
hurtling from the heavens
a falling star.
i hoped you'd be at the bottom
to catch me

i cant remember the day when i
stopped thinking in poems.
when i stopped wondering
why my life is how it is.
dumb and dumber
numb and number

nothing that belongs to you
belongs to me;
you are your own
and so
you could never be mine

i cant find the things i dreamt about
i cant find the fuel to dream

*******
i thought i already knew what it felt like
to lose someone forever.
and yet, i still sit here shellshocked
stunned.
in my mind i imagine
the crunch of metal
grinding in my ears
over and over.
you were probably
asleep in the backseat.
one moment, dreaming
the next,
gone.

last year
i lost a bet with you
"you have to go out
to get hotpot with me
at least once"
you said.

last week
you told me
you weren't feeling so well
-- not sick --
just sad.
and though you mentioned
suicide,
you brushed it off
"nah you're right,
we haven't gotten hotpot yet.
i can't just die"

but then you did.

last night
at 5:20pm
you texted me
"this car ride is so longgggg
i made a meme
do u wanna see it"
i didn't respond until
the next day,
but last night
by 6:47pm
you were already gone.

and i sit here now
in the steam of hotpot for two,
hands pressed against my eyes
i can feel my eyelids trembling
bitter bitter tears dripping
into the broth.
but it makes no difference to me.
hotpot will always
always
be bitter
without you

your breath brushes
my skin
soft soft soft
like your hair
like my thighs.
and as we sigh in sync
everything feels right enough
for me to forget the loneliness
that led me to you
in the first place.
lying under strings of lights
breathing in time with you
i could sleep here
forever.
as long as forever means
just for tonight

it's for the best

before you
i never understood why
people hold onto the things
that hurt them most.
i put you above myself
and through the pain
i told myself it was for the best

my mind was a sieve
every drop of anger felt
but easily washed away
to reveal the broken love remaining:
too large to let go

i don't regret us
but i've come to terms with
the fact that
i cannot blame myself for our end.
i cannot blame myself
for loving
even though it hurt me

in need of catharsis
how can i let go of something
i've spent so long cherishing?

as i let go of you it will hurt
but this time when it hurts
this time
i will not be wrong to say
this hurt is for the best

funny how something
i thought would feel liberating
has me shackled tighter
than ever

i'd been seething
with anger and disappointment
sorrow, exhaustion
but with the burner extinguished
now im emptier than before

do you ever drip tears
of lead
of mercury?
heavy metals that
carve tracks in your face
as you
carve someone out of your life

existing is exhausting