I walked outside,
Closed the door behind me,
And signaled to clear out.
The fireplace inside,
Casting shadows through the window,
The shadow of my soldier holding two civilians at gunpoint
Them
Sitting apathetically playing cards,
Him
Mourning the loss of his two older brothers.

As we walked, I wanted to stop,
I wanted each stomp
                I wanted to loose my eyes from my head
I wanted to telescope my eyes back
I wanted to reach into my sockets
                I wanted to feel smooth bone
I wanted to crawl blind of body
I wanted to be cast into the envied innocence
I wanted to sit in town,
I wanted to be festering in the pit
I wanted to be splayed apart
I wanted to have my tracts tangled between two others
I wanted to embrace any warmth as my own dissipated
I wanted to run far from the front
I wanted to run until I died
I wanted to run because
I wanted to beat the ground for allowing us to happen
I wanted to never **** again
I wanted to crush a calf’s head in my fists
I wanted to throw myself into a furnace
I wanted to swallow burning tar
I wanted to scream my name loud enough
                I wanted to burst eardrums
I wanted to etch my name into every piece of skin
I wanted to grind my teeth into dust
I wanted to crack my canines
                I wanted to rip out the roots
I wanted to ****** every person responsible
I wanted to puppet their decapitations
                I wanted to apologize
I wanted to drink their blood
                I wanted to jail them within me
I wanted to tear apart their chest
                I wanted to hollow them out from inside
I wanted to wear them as a suit
                I wanted to undo all of their dones
I wanted to steal back my eyes from their stomach
I wanted to form them in the crucible of my throat
I wanted to throw them up
                I wanted to finally be able to use them again
I wanted to be able to weep
I wanted to be able to see
I wanted to lie dead
I wanted to feel the worms under my skin
I wanted to hear the ants walk into my nostrils, out my ears
I wanted to be carrion for the wolves
I wanted to loose my heart
I wanted to lose my voice
I wanted to be completely forgotten
I wanted to be erased from my history
I wanted to wake up the next morning and work
I wanted to feel the sun bake my back
I wanted to subjugate the plants under me
I wanted to get on my hands and knees
I wanted to untangle the roots of trees
I wanted to push my hands into the earth
                I wanted to pull out my child
I wanted to watch her tear apart everything I have built
I wanted to feel her scorn upon every word I’ve written
I wanted to capture her soul
                I wanted to steal it for myself
I wanted to give her my name
                I wanted to give her my possessions
I wanted to leave her with my world
I wanted to see her already building her own
I wanted to tie myself into a box
I wanted to have her dump cement upon me
I wanted to be the first block in her foundation
I wanted to be uniform with the rest
I wanted to be forgotten
I wanted to sit on top of a mountain
I wanted to breathe in the clouds
I wanted to breathe out the dew
I wanted to get drunk upon the rain
I wanted to dance with the moon
I wanted to streak with the meteors
I wanted to connect constellations
I wanted to name my scars constellations
I wanted to have streams upon me
I wanted to hold anything nurturing within me
I wanted to feel the thrall of the stars
I wanted to jump
I wanted to beat gravity
I wanted to spring into the air
I wanted to feel crystals on my lashes as I flew
I wanted to ******
I wanted to trust enough to fall
I wanted to fall into someone completely
I wanted to embody unconditionally
I wanted to be embodied
I wanted to grip upon flesh for life
I wanted to feel at risk
                I wanted to feel at peace
I wanted to close myself off
I wanted to be in one moment
I wanted to die in that moment
I wanted to be slick with sweat
I wanted to harmonize my moans with another
I wanted to cleanse my body as I wash another
I wanted to lend my brain to another
I wanted to be told they would like to use it again
I wanted to attach my lips to someone’s ear
I wanted to have them attach them there again later
I wanted to look at someone as I’ve finally only just awoken
I wanted to hoard smells from my senile brain
I wanted to feel someone languish in my arms
I wanted to be held with two hands
I wanted to be crushed by them
I wanted to be only remembered in solemn reflections
I wanted to be brought up in uncanny appearances
I wanted to end comfortable conversations
I wanted to watch others suffer without me
I wanted to carefully extract my heart from my chest
I wanted to watch it beat
I wanted to sink my head down to its level
I wanted to touch my eye to its side
I wanted to hold my heart in my mouth
                I wanted to feel my blood in my ears
I wanted to feel the throbs upon my tongue
                I wanted to bite into the meat
I wanted to break everything it cares about
I wanted to tarnish every sensation of being
I wanted to hold my skull in my hands
I wanted to compress until it cracked
I wanted to lift shards of bone
I wanted to pluck out my brain
I wanted to dig my nails into the mucus fat
I wanted to reveal the coward
I wanted to mash every inkling I’d ever considered
I wanted to plug it into the radio
I wanted to blast my thoughts into every home
I wanted to control your every action
I wanted to tell them how I masturbated
I wanted to tell them who’ve I lied to
I wanted to tell them who’ve I protected
I wanted to scream myself into audio
I wanted to lose my form into your ears
I wanted to sail on frequencies above melodies
I wanted to drop into bass notes
I wanted to escape
I wanted to get far enough
I wanted to be close enough,
        I wanted to be able to tell the difference
                                         Between a flickering fire
                                                        And two muzzle flashes.

What do I want?
There’s so much to want how do I choose?
No deep down what does your heart long for?
Well there is one thing I do want
I want to lift my arms up and feel the wind on my face
I want to dance barefoot on the cold grass
And sing like it’s my last day on this Earth
I want to have all the weight suddenly lifted off my exhausted shoulders
I want to go to sleep and not have ever worry come to mind, clogging my head shut
I want to close my eyes for just once second and feel at peace
I want to wrap a silk blanket around my body and take away all the aching it has
I want a veil of pure joy to cover my whole body
I want to look in the mirror and be able to see someone worth living
I want to be a child again

I want to write.
I want to create.
But I rarely feel like I can.
I want my words to mean something.
I want them to be heard to the volume I expressed them at.
I want them to explode minds.
I want them to carry emotions.
I want what I create to be beautiful in a personal interpretational way.
I want them to educate.
I want less to be more.
I want them to make people feel.
...
Isn't selfish of I to hold back myself because I may not get what I want?
...
Isn't selfish of I to hold back one's voice because I may not get what I want?
...
Isn't unfair to my soul to tell it no because I may not get what I want?
...
Isn't cruel of I to bury my desires because I may not get what I want?
...
Is it not foolish of I to be thinking: I want, I want, I want...
when God has given me: You can, you can, you can.

I am afraid of letting go
And losing control

I am afraid of being happy
Of waking up wanting to start the day
Of accepting myself for who I am
Of losing the motivation for my art because I’m no longer so sad and alone
Of losing the bubble I created for writing since I have no one to turn to
no one to talk to
no one to belong to

I am afraid of being

I am afraid of the potential I possess
I don’t mean to sound arrogant or proud
Because I’m not

I am just me

Mikayla

I walk around the halls sheltered and afraid
Afraid of the people I see around me
Every one of these individuals has a hidden talent,
A secret,
A love, A vice,

And what do I have?
Just me.

Mikayla DeAnn.

If I am not walking with a false bravado
Shining plastered smiles to hide my fear
I am invisible
I am shoved
Pushed
Tossed
Turned
Unrecognizable

Mikayla DeAnn Kay

I am afraid of letting go
If I let go, I am letting go of the control I possess,
My only vice
I am letting go of the years of “you’re not good enough”
The years of “you’re not pretty enough”
The years of “you’re not skinny enough”
The years of “you’re not worthy”
The years of “you do not belong”

Mikayla DeAnn

I want to shine
I want to smile
I want to make others happy without losing pieces of myself
I want to be confident in what I like
What I wear
What I desire
I want to feel whole
I want to be seen

I want to become… no

I am

Mikayla

I want to lay so close to you that the air I'm breathing in is the heat radiating off your skin

I want to chop off
chunks of my
hair with a blunt
steak knife bit by
bit until my scalp
is pink and my knuckles glow
pale and distinct like planks
of bleached driftwood.

I want to spread paint
across my back into a
picture of the beach
and lay on it so that
maybe the scratch of the
sand will itch through my t-shirt
and then I can charge
horseshoe ***** to
build townhouses on my
empty lots.

I want to eat at a
table weighed down
with plates bursting with
steaming pasta and
bowls of stark
white rice stuff
that will make me
sick with happiness and
shining like Buddha,
because food is nothing
more than
refined sunlight.