I secretly hope
on the long nights when it feels like the sun will never beam on your face again
that
you'll think of me softly
I pray you'll imagine me reaching for your fingertips
lacing them with my own
maybe you'll remember
me grazing your cheek with the soft part of my small hands
scooping away the tears with my fingertips
doing my best to take all your sadness into my own palms
or my quiet kisses on your delicate cheek
the soft whispers of " I love you"'s and "don't give up on me"'s
the words that you didn't hear with your ears
the words that traveled in a straight shot to the inner workings of your brilliant heart
I hope on these nights
you remember who loves you most in this world
who always will
I hope for the better part of forever, I'm there with you
reminding you someone out there wants the same things you do
My last hope, is believing
that I can still keep you safe
that I'm still your refuge
when the air turns bitter

I’m sorry I never seemed to care enough
You gave me nothing but love
Maybe I was scared,
Scared of what it was.

I know I wasn’t just a complete wreck,
You always showed me through your smile
If only we could just go back in time
I might just have you for a while.

Thank you so much for all the precious moments,
For those I could never pay you back.
And for never giving up on me
It was I who changed all that.

I’m sorry you wrecked your car that night
You made sure I was safe and sound
I can’t seem to get you off my mind lately
I could only dream to see you around

You treated me like nothing but a queen.
Even tucked me into bed one night,
I just wish you were in my life right now
It hurts to lose you out of sight.

I always try to come off strong and independent
But even you have seen me cry.

I’m so confused with life right now,
So I end up on a plane somehow
Hoping that my scattered thoughts will clear up on their own.

I smiled today....
I smiled today because I remembered your smile. How infectious it was like a plague but was able to cure a sickness, a smile that came with a glow in your eyez.
A smile that was contagious and was guaranteed to make me or others smile. A smile that was a sight for sore eyez.

I laughed today....
I laughed today because I remembered how your laugh sounded, how it was music to my ears in a uncontrollable hysterical sense.
To the point where our faces turned red while holding our sides so our ribs don't split.
How your laughter echoed in a room as the sound was intertwined with mine.
And how such laughter was filled with happiness and joy for that timeless moment in time.

I frowned today....
I frowned today because now all I have is the memory of your smile.
I time travel in my thoughts searching for that sight and realize how life is so fragile.
I don't see it physically, I can only see it with my eyez closed.
Hoping that I never forget how it looks as my memory fades when I grow old.

I cried today....
I cried today because your laughter can no longer beat my ear drum.
I can no longer hear the vibrations of your voice, I now have to imagine the sound of your laughter because you’re gone and no longer to hear from.
I cried today and those tears were lead from a frown.
Remembering how your laughter was hysterical made me cry hysterically cuz I can no longer hear that sound.

But..... Today, I smiled.
I smiled today because of you and it's been a while....

I see a pair of eyes on me and just for a split second I stare into those deep brown eyes, they change into yours.
They're watching my every movement of my swaying body but it's not the attention I want from just anyone so I let them stare.
I close my eyelids and picture that you're the one leaned up against that bar, watching me and I can feel the tingling feeling going down my spine.
I'm dancing for you and you're not even here.
Every stride is fuelled with hoping that you're looking my way, the way you did that night on New Years.
The flashing lights change from red to blue and I'm not in a bar full of strangers but in the living room of where our eye kept meeting.
Then I open my eyes as the song ends and the adrenaline is leaving my body, I look quickly around the room even though I know you're not here.
I wish you were here.

I can’t unwrap myself
from your finger,
heartstrings thinning
as my clutch tightens

I’m afraid that if I let go,
even just a little,
the wind will blow
and like dandelions
dancing in the sky,
I will never be able
to find my way back to you.

Back to the place
I fell in love,
while still learning
to love myself.

Back to safety,
where nothing could touch me
other than your fingers of sin.

I’m starting to forget
the sound of your steps,
and everyday I hope
that I’ll soon be reminded.
But I’m slowly realizing that hearing “I miss you”
doesn’t always mean they’re coming back.

I need to be alone for certain periods of time or I violate my own rhythm.

You don't know
what I've seen
but I hope
one day,
you'll see that
i love you
more
than you love me