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Bartholomew Sep 2019
I keep you in my contacts just in case I build up the courage to call
but that thought alone is ridiculous

Though we are not in contact I sometimes forget that we’re not together at all,
So much for being meticulous

Am I going crazy for keeping your number saved or even being involved
With this love’s viciousness?

Cause when I love, I love hard and give it my all
To the point where it’s sickening

As I lay in bed while you pay a visit to my mind
Hoping that I somehow pay a visit to yours

I stare at the ceiling contemplating why you aren’t mine
Wishing that I was brave enough to hear your voice

I keep you in my contacts with the hopes that your name will glitter on my screen
I guess I need new contacts cause a future without us was something I couldn’t have seen

Even though I can delete your number I can’t erase our shared moments that are forever saved into my memory

I hope you remember me

I’ll keep you in my contacts just in case I build up the courage that’s long over due
Cause one day I will pick up the phone just to let you know I’m finally over you
Bartholomew Jan 2019
For this point and time being my life is good up in this moment
It’s showing and the hoes know it
so it’s hard to overthrow it
So I’m living like a rockstar but funny cuz I ain’t famous
And it’s funny, see the money then you start to see the changes
See my friends in different places
cuz we walk in different paces
And we trapped up in the struggle hoping one day we can make it
And I’m scared to loose em to death cuz we outta luck
But I’m really afraid to grow apart cuz we outta touch.....

**** where’d the time go
Looking at me in this mirror, realizing I’m getting old
But yet I’m still young and I’m happy within my placement
But with all the **** I’ve done what happens if I never make it
Afraid to drop a seed, I’ll raise him, I ain’t bluffing
But how can he look up to me if I don’t amount to nothing
I’m taking a second to sit and think about my fears
Will I lead to my own destruction or continue on my years
Part I (pages from 2011)
Bartholomew Dec 2018
Since you’re gone I’ve been dealing with the hurting
Happiness in my life, felt like I deserved it
Me and you was an item, I guess it wasn’t working
Drinking all these bottles, tryna bottle my emotions....
and I’m smoking

To calm down my nerves
Numb down the hurt
And I can’t find the words
To express
So I can write it in a verse
but just the thought of you makes the feeling feel worse

From trials and tribulations
Smiles are fabricated
Out of desperation
Im asking how can I make it?

Without you...

Cuz I’m so lost and gone
Tryna find another love but my heart is torn

So I grab a bottle and light up another spliff
Thinking suicidal, how can I live like this
Thinking bout your touch; how soft and warm
Then I think about your smile ******* it’s gone
Bartholomew Dec 2018
to suppress my sadness
I drive myself into madness
and disguise it
into anger

I try and bestow laughter onto others
to substitute my depression with joy.
I only smile when others
around me smile but in reality im stuck in a void

I’m dying inside... crying inside... hiding inside
Trapped in my mind.... fighting inside

Searching for myself ina rage
Only to find myself ina cell, locked away in a cage
To tame....
This animal, this beast, this serpent
So I masquerade around pretending to be perfect
I mask my emotions and hide my feelings on the surface,

To lock away my emotions, to lock away the hurting
Throw away the key and pray no one ever goes searching

What’s my purpose?
Skin is thick on the surface
Bartholomew Nov 2018
You saying all that **** but....
How can you forget about me?
I used to make you laugh at my jokes and I made you happy.
Used to talk about the future and the kids we having.
But now we don’t even talk and I say it sadly....
I lost you and it ain’t fair.
And I know you need me like fire needs air.
And I know you need me, tell me I ain’t wrong
Just reading this prolly got you think we ain’t done.
Pride, mixed with selfish decisions.
Trust issues that I have got me scared of commitment.
And I know I ****** up now I’m sitting here wishin, that you
Reading this poem, give it a chance and just listen.
I know your friends gave me a bad name
But know I missed you like I got bad aim
Happiness was vivid through the conversations
Or was it a lie? Figments of my imagination
Guess being timid is the explanation
Didn't know we had a limit or a expiration
I ain't expecting to get back together
I want you to be happy
wishing that you to do better
Without me,

But I know you need me
I know you want me
you can never leave me

**** I want you to need me **** I need you to want me
But it hurts knowing you don't, **** the feelin is haunting

She sayin....
I don’t need you
I don’t need you
I don’t need you
I don’t need you but I want you
I don’t mean to
I don’t mean to
I don’t mean to
I don’t mean to but I love you.....
Inspiration: the worst- Jhene Aiko

Dedication: Justina
Bartholomew Nov 2018
Trapped in this madness,
This thing called love.
Addicted 2 the sadness
now my brains on drugs.
In the eyez of a savage,
tear stains turned blood
Now torn is my status,
**** the pain with the blunts &.....
Is the proper remedy
For dealing with misery
Killin it with the trees
Blowing it in the air
Wishin she still here
But life is not fair
She’s acting like she don’t care
I’m a man baby girl, we make mistakes
Sexing with other women but they can’t take ur place
Something brown between my fingers and a bottle in my other palm
Now she gone, and me I’m tryna move on
Wishing.... that she was still seeing me
Wondering..... what did she ever see in me?
Tell me love, please you owe me that
Now I’m sitting her with the **** and the cognac

So I got a blunt in my right hand
And I got this drink in my left hand
And I’m just
Tryna get you out my head
And it hurts me more when I see
That you’re happier without me
So I’m
Tryna get you out my head
Drinking and smoking- Dave young
Bartholomew Oct 2018
She don't live here no mo’
She left me lonely n cold
She took a part of my soul
The only part that I know
I look in the mirror, reflections unknown
Cuz I don't know who I am, hope I don't lose control
Drugs got me addicted
love has been evicted
From my heart that's been afflicted
Got my Chest feelin constricted
Ready to fight
Feelin hella defensive
but really I'm jus defenseless
Livin’ life jus like a misfit
Sinning to live, got wisdom to give
got these jewels that I drop jus listen to this:
Love will get you killed
blood will pour and spill
and thugz will mourn but still
The pain will resonate
the drugs and all these pills
will turn change into hate
And all the love you feel
will die and slowly fade
turn numb from all the crime
Somewhat like doing time
cuz ur trapped behind bars cuz love left, said goodbye
It's just a stranger
closely kept by danger
and this anger will alwayz linger
locked up in cages
unleashed in stages
random; cannot contain it
no one will understand it or feel how the pain is
so loves is gone
packed up, left me alone,
no one home
and I'm asking where did the love go?
and it shows cuz I ain't the same
tryna hide all the strain
Feelin trapped in my brain
smoke these blunts for the pain
it's kinda hard to maintain
cuz I'm supposed to be strong with no one else for the blame
Random thoughts
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