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Akela Santana Mar 2019
Sometimes, I forget that life is fleeting, 'everything you are, gone in a moment, like breathe on mirror'.
I have experienced what dying feels like, and it's calm. I was in pain when I tried to **** myself, I was terrified, but once I was lying on that table not knowing if I'd wake up, with the mask on my face being told to count to 100, I wasn't afraid anymore. I was either going to live (with a possibly amputated left arm), or die. Somehow, I was at peace.
Then I woke up, and realized that I was alive, hearing my breathe and the sound of my beating heart. It was the first time in a long time that I actually knew I was ALIVE! I was happy. The hospital food was actually not that bad, and I actually slept (probably cause of the medications), I felt great being taken care of and feeling, loved.
Then reality set in like a bad hangover.
I remembered all the abuse and loneliness I felt for my 20 years of life. I remembered why I did what I did, and I could feel it all at once. I dreaded going back home, back to my reality. I was afraid that if I told people what happened, no one would care or show me that they did.... and, sadly, I was right. No body cared, or showed it.
Five months later the following September (2014), I met my boyfriend/husband at a café under a school church. We became friends immediately and we started dating and living together the month after. He was the only person that cared about me and showed it when I told him about my scars or my life's story. We've never been apart ever since and he's my one and only. He reminds me everyday to live my life because it's worth living.
I'm extremely grateful to have him in my life and I appreciate the love he never stops giving me, even though I struggle with mental illness. I've met some amazing people and my bestfriend because of him. I'm happier than I've ever been in my life because of him and my friends. I never believed when people would say that life gets better, but to my surprise it does and I dont want to take my life for granted, I want to live my life to its fullest potential, and I will.
"Memento mors et carpe diem."
Some words that talk about my experience with my depression, attempted suicide, and my recovery afterwards.
Akela Santana Nov 2018
I have a vivid memory of this one night while I was sitting on your front porch. It was twilight. The streetlights shone dimly, with a warm orange glow in contrast with the dark blue sky. The wind rustling through the leaves of the trees canopied above, with a chill that made the atmosphere itself shiver. My thoughts were so loud through the whispers of the winter slowly freezing over. It felt like I was being consumed by the kiss of the Dementors. It was beautiful yet maddening, like breathe on mirror.
Akela Santana Sep 2018
I can't stop thinking about you.
How the light hits your eyes, reflecting how the sun shines.
How your lips feel, so softly kissing mine, I can't get enough.
How your heart beats a melodic sound like a choir of angels, a sound that breaks silence.
How warm your body is when your arms are wrapped around me so tight, keeping me warm in frigid winters.
How you make me feel when we make love, giving me goosebumps all over my body, till I'm in ecstasy.
I love you.
You're my everything.
For Jake.
Akela Santana Sep 2018
Do you remember?
Sitting on the porch,
looking out into the distance at the houses behind,
under a canopy of stars and moon,
smoking cigarettes and talking about our pasts?
I can still hear the sound your heart beat made,
and feel the way your strong hands felt when they held mine so softly.
Do you remember how the wind chilled the air?
How you wrapped your arm around me cause I was shivering and you pulled me close to you?
Sometimes I forget how much I love and appreciate you.
I want you to know that I cherish our memories.
I need to remind you everyday.
You're amazing,
you're perfect,
you're beautifully flawed,
and you're my best friend.
I miss you so much,
and i'll always want you to be in my life.
I love you.
For Freddy.
The space crosses the horizon
Bending but not breaking our bond
For the sun always reaches the earth
Space and time cannot cut our love

Your voice strums the piano cord
Taking me to a place beyond thought
An emissary outside of time
The walls come down and light shines

Your eyes and smile will bring me
A warmth like falling into a dream
Follow your dream of light and rise
For the darkness will never halt your dawn
often it is the only
between you and
no drink,
no woman's love,
no wealth
match it.
nothing can save
it keeps the walls
the hordes from
closing in.
it blasts the
writing is the
the kindliest
god of all the
writing stalks
it knows no
and writing
at itself,
at pain.
it is the last
the last
what it
from blank gun silencer - 1991
Akela Santana Nov 2015
Depression: To me it's like you're falling deeper into the darkest depths of the ocean. Where all the mysterious creatures and monsters lurk around you, including the ones that have yet to be discovered. Your vision is blurred, you can't breath, and you're positive you won't come out alive.
I was thinking about my grandmother who died in May, and my friend Angel who died by "accidental overdose" when I wrote this. I've been thinking a lot of mortality and what the human experience really is.
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