I never thought the day would come
Where I hated you more than I ever loved you
I searched and searched for a trace of love
in my body for you
But nothing is there anymore
I gave you four years of love
and you drained me drier than dried dryer sheets
My life with you was a lie I will struggle to forgive for infinity

You were the man of my dreams
You looked past my larger exterior
And saw me
You said I was beautiful
You said I was special
You said I wasn’t like any other woman you'd dated before
You said I was different
That set my 22-year-old heart ablaze
A man, a grown man, saw me as a woman
You knew I didn’t understand love
But you said I was good
I knew I had a good heart,
And you tightened your grip once it was in your hands
I gave you my body
Remember?
And I couldn’t stop after the first time
And you knew that.

Maybe I needed a stronger prescription
Because I just couldn’t see the pedestal I put you on
was in fact the thin line between love and hate
I overlooked so many of your red flags
And saw you as different than the rest
Ironically, I never had anyone to compare you to
All you ever had to say was, “I know, but let’s move forward, mama.”

I believed every word out of your mouth
You promised me a lifestyle where I could get whatever I wanted
And you’d be willing to do anything
You knew my heart was a white rose
So genuine, so delicate, so innocent
But you took my fears and blinded me to them
No more anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts
Body image issues
Nothing
I believed I was well taken care of
But time had stopped, and you did too
You were no longer the man I fell in love with
But rather somebody that I used to know
I was no longer the apple of your eye
I was nothing to you but what all the others were
Maybe that was something I knew
But just couldn’t accept until it was dead in my face

I can’t remember everything
And for you, that might be a good thing
I feel so disconnected from my body
I may as well be a weak Wifi connection
While you play innocent, I’m actually the victim
I loved you so much that I lost my mind trying to figure out what was wrong
Trying to figure out if I was wrong
Now I find it hard to concentrate on what really matters
I hate the way men look at me
Do they know what you said to me?
Did they see what I did for you?
Or are they just like you too?

Accepting that this relationship and marriage wasn’t real
and meant nothing has been hard
You were all I knew
But I wasn’t your only option
You made that clear many times
I can’t even see you as someone who needs retribution or help
But rather someone who deserves to be discarded
The same way you discarded my white rose

I regret swiping right on you
I wish I could warn my 22-year-old self not to even entertain you
Or give someone like you chance, after chance, after chance
I know I was a lot
I know I had my moments
But I never had to pretend I had a good heart
I was always a good person
That you never deserved

I don’t know who I will love next
But I know he will be everything I need and more
He’ll love me forreal and out loud and he’ll be proud

I truly don’t care about what will happen to you next
I just want what it is I rightfully deserve

While you spot your next victim

5/11/2025
-Mia J

© 2025 Mia J

You stare at my eyes as i sit down
Telling me that they're pretty
Even when all i do is look at the ground
You asked me to sit down, and eat. Then tell me that i should be skinny

Then you wonder why i'm always in my room
You wonder why i refuse to look in your eyes
It because whenever i do you assume
That i'm nothing and then you lie

You compliment me everyday
Saying things, but not because you mean them
But you have to or else ill go away
You stand there scared that ill become

Better or stronger than you
Unlike yours my eyes shine in the sun
Or at least they did until the moment you blew
The glitter inside them away. Thats when everything begun

It was in that moment that you replace my shiny eyes with cold dead ones

My eyes were once filled with every possible emotion except negativity
But you took that away, you took away my sight
So i questio how you can still tell me theyre pretty
When stole theyre light

When i look in your eyes i see nothing
Theyre like a void devouring everything

And that scares me
You had once made me fear my own safety
in my own home. Can you not tell your the reason i came to be
You left me shaking with tears,  i was once your baby

Apparently that ddint matter, or simply did not care
My eyes hide stories in them
Waiting for the moment they can be released into the air

If you were to look in my eyes
not just glance over their color
You would see that most emotions have said their goodbyes
Leaving my life to grow smaller and smaller
Hiding away in the only place i can call my sanctuary
Hunched over my computer constantly typing
Away, the clicking of the keys have become my personal fairy
Fairy godmother, that vanishes when you come inside along with memory

Of the last time we spoke
You had once more left me breathing heavily and collapsing on the floor
You must think this is a joke
When its not i'm speaking facts, so leave out the door

The brown irises were once the color of honey
Now they're the color of the dirt
The same dirt that is stained bloodied
From the wounds you caused with your voice, causing me to hurt

Almost constantly,
The black pupil has seen things
If my life was  movie, it wouldn't be a comedy
It would be instead a tragedy

What happened to the days we'd wake up together and talk.
What happened when you couldn't wait to meet me, how i struck your eye when i was a stranger to you.
Now that you know my deep dark secrets you don't want to stay.
Didn't i tell you before you came through this door that you will never be able to fight my demons.
I guess it became to much for you...
You changed,
You changed because i remember when we would have phone calls when we weren't talking because i'd call you to find out why you weren't online.
You changed because you wanted me, you fought for me to leave others just for you and that i did.
I feel like you're slowly leaving my heart astray, is this love a silly game you like to play?
I'm waiting online for you, you haven't came on, but you come on just to tell me that your internet was out and now your grandma is sick and i said i need to go for a walk and i come home to you gone again...
waiting for you, all night to hear a good night cheer and still nothing...
Where have you gone?
What have i done?
What is the matter?
You changed, something isn't right...
Do you still love me?
If so, tell me, if not tell me...
Let me hear your heart one more time, let me see what it is you truly want from me.
Was i just being used for pleasure?...or do you truly love me?
You see, no one like's to be played with, but they do it anyway...
I'm still waiting for you, you said you'd be up a certain time and you're not.
I hope all is okay and hope what you say isn't just a lie to get away.
You Changed, for the better or for the worse...
But don't leave me astray and cast me away to the dark deep depths of loves despair.
Bury me in Ocean's tears, drag me away, if this love ends, no love will ever begin again.

Your eyes are an inferno
I cant help but look away
Slow burning in my chest
It's not your gaze, but what you say

Your words set me on fire
Slowly hushing the embers
Charring what left inside
Pacing your slanders

Every tomorrow will rain
To wash away the ashes
But your words left a stain
And you still hold the matches

Isn’t it exhausting
Pulling all your tricks
Picking out your mask for the day
Seeing which one fits?

well let me think on this...
am I stupid too?
for loving You?

yes, I guess I am...

The heavens were mad,
So the clouds thickened and rained,
Tearing on the earth.