My mind's a quarantine, I'm isolated now
I've broken hope within, my hopeless state of art
Abandon what I seek, that ship has sailed away
I dance upon my grave, at nights I try to pray
But  as the shadows grow, they laugh right in my face

The ceiling stays the same, I imagine the sky.
All of the stars I've never seen
Will I see them when I die?
The silence pierces ears
In the shadow of the night
My mind is quarantined
Sick of being alive

tell me how
the most broken
beaten down
torn up
stripped to the flesh
people

could ever get back up
brush off the dirt
and carry on
like nothing ever
happened.

Every night i lie awake in bed
With thoughts flowing through my head
Every night at the stars i gaze
At how they shine and sparkle so beautifully
Little by little the stars start to lose their shimmer
And my brain is filled with the thought of me always being the almost but never the always

It lurks below my consciousness, the beast beneath the bed
Tortured by imagination, vivid in my head
Strikes without notice, the world is dark and blind
To all the ****** massacres that play behind my eyes

Victimhood held hostage, convinced manipulation
Sickly soul so serpentine, saboteur salvation
Left within the grimaced grin, of tormented left demented
Suffer so, these chains and ropes, you'll never be accepted

Amusement starts to linger, maybe mould, or rot
Decaying internally, for he feels the hope is lost
So smile, smile, smile, and learn to love the sinner
For all that will remain is this twisted, Grim Grinner

Dear New York,

Can we talk about the elphants on the sidewalks?

I know we currently live in a circus- like reality, but this is ridiculous.
There are so many wanting to be a part of the biggest show on earth.
But instead of millions of top billed performers,
We are heavy on magician acts
Most of us performing the same tricks
Week after week
Trying to make shoe strings turn into boot straps...
That sometimes turn into tightropes...
Our safety nets not quite up to code
So when we fall out of the spotlight,
Some of us fall through holes
Abandoned disillusioned dreamers
Subjected to the whims of clowns
But we have to keep trying, right?
Keep striving, keep reaching for the trapeze bar
Waiting for the perfect timing to gracefully glide to the top of the big top
Everyday hustling for some ovation
But along the way though the everyday
Before we can even make it to our marks
We gotta try to not feel the despair of
At least a dozen others that were unable to
Grasp that up swing
Those waiting on the sides aimlessly
Waiting
For what I wonder
As I try to not see
Anything but the dignity of
Fallen stars

Ako ay tumaya sa pag ikot ng ruleta
Tumaya dahil umaasang sakin ito'y tatama
Sa sobrang dami ng aking tinaya tila'y nawalan ng pagasa
Pano ba naman ni isang beses ako'y hindi pinagpala

The thing with anxiety is that it is like a door. Once that door is opened, it is not easy to close. Thoughts flow into my mind like a tsunami on the east coast. I have already been giving more effort than I have. I do not have anything left to give but the world wants more and I must show that I am functioning.

I am optimistic. I am sure of that. But the everyday activities are getting harder to complete and I am passed the point of crying. Tears get me no pleasure and get me nowhere.

These are not good feelings. Yes, they are numbing but they are not helping the thoughts.

Stop. Seriously, I am too tired to deal with you today. This entire weekend, I let you consume me. Maybe I did not “let” you, but I did not fight back as much as I probably should have.

I slept! I should not be this tired.

The levels continue rising and I do not know how to acknowledge them in a way that others will not notice and question. The last thing I want is for others to feel uncomfortable by the way that I am feeling externally. I cannot keep these thoughts and feelings inside because they are eating away at the very little good that is left in me.

It will not be easy, but it is doable.

Stop, please do not get angry. I do not know why you choose to express it in such a way. I refuse for you to have angry tears. I will let you… no, I changed my mind. Breathe.

My head is hurting so bad, but it is keeping me awake.

I forgot what sanity felt like. I am so busy with my spiraling thoughts. Leave me be. I am scary and I am scared of myself.

Why are humans so critical of themselves and those who they think down on?

These are good people. These people around you are good people. You appreciate their presence and existence. But you want to escape. You want to leave and be alone. No, you do not consider yourself a martyr of any sorts. You would rather try to figure out what is going on before you drag others in the mix.

I do not know why the feelings are still there. My head hurts from fighting them or trying to act opposite of the way I truly feel.

Everything around me appears gray. I do not believe it to be gray, but my feelings and my thoughts make it more difficult to move forward.

Why am I trying when I get nowhere? I feel worse each and every day. Maybe that sounds dramatic, but it is so ****** up that it is the truth.

I am sorry. I hope you know that.

I will let nature take its course, but I would not mind if it decided the end of my fate was today.

The days are long and nights are too, but the work remains undone and pain continues to rise.

I do not hate myself. I am very disappointed though. I thought I would be better by now.