I feel like I have lost my words.
Once they flowed so easily
Time has ripped my mind from the flow of my mouth.
I fell in love with a someone else's soulmate.
I became selfish and jealous and pushed myself to a point that my words became useless.
When you choose emotions over words instead of bringing the two together
you create a self destructing version of yourself that lives on the outside while the true version of yourself watches on the inside.
Hiding writing is the hardest thing I chose to do with my life
I would look around at creation and say to myself, 'that's nice.'
Only my insides are screaming, 'describe it! write it down!'
Or something dark would encompass my being and instead of fighting with a pen, I cowered, crumbling.
I allowed myself to be swallowed, digested, and even parts left behind, scattered around a crime scene where my words made a difference
Instead I chose a cowards way, pretending I was incompetent
And my words slowly dwindled down as short as I could possibly make them.
One day, I saw a baby chicken have a seizure, and I started to cry. And as my tears flowed, I thought to myself how would that chicken describe me ?
It seems extremely odd I know, but in that moment I couldn't think of a single word. My lungs tightened as I continued to hold this now lifeless creature.

Lifeless
Breathless
Speechless

I'm used to myself and not getting help because I'm way up the
shelf and none of you can reach.

I try to talk, I break the walls that build up again so no one can breach.

I set my moods on fire so I can say that I'm not tired,
so I can say that I'm fine and I don't cry sometimes at night.

Funny how I water down the frown forming on my face,
set my lips to a sincere smile and it's the best lie I don't have to say.

People surround me and they laugh too, but they're all corpses designed to look like clowns:

watering down their frowns and putting on a facade of youth and energy.

I know they're tired, too.

I know they too suffer from the same pretense I have to go through when I'm not being me.

Why do you need so badly for someone to love you?
What is it you search for in every empty room?

For someone to notice the shell that you found,
To dig a bit deeper and feel all around,
Until he stumbles over himself and falls,
And you dodge his body and walk along?
I'm not even saying to you that it's wrong,
we are creatures underneath after all.

But the shell is just a lure I'm sure,
and it looks nothing like the one you bore before.
I've yet to see one that has changed more than yours.

She hides behind a wall
Away from half her soul
Denying all that is
That isn’t right.
She paints in monosyllables.

Everywhere I look
I see people hiding from me
and all I can do Is walk away, carefree
but I can't forget what I see.

Everyday I watch
as people hide away from the rising sun
all dawning their masks one by one
as their day as a stranger has just begun

Everybody I see
hides away from themselves
puts their pride up on the shelf
as they go through the day as their former self

Everything I do
to help them live ideally
to live life without a mask, freely

Everytime I wish
hat they could follow their dreams
that they could be keep their esteem
to get the same future given to me
and to let them them fly free
and be whom they truly are
to be who they want to be