I’m not comfortable or satisfied with myself. I never was and I can’t imagine it any different. People have left me in the past for unknown reasons, and now I’m so afraid to show too much of myself that I don’t show anything at all. Being so full of self hatred made me ask myself a lot of questions. One being if I still want to grow up. I want to die but my friends think I’m lying. I’ve always been afraid of losing people I love, but when I tell a friend I want to **** myself and they think it’s funny I start to wonder if there’s anyone out there afraid to lose me. I always keep my pain to myself. I don’t want to hurt my family. What I’ve realized about hiding an unbearable amount of pain is that it makes you the strongest and weakest person. Strong because you learn to cope with and handle all the suffering. Weak because it wears you down until all of you is gone and broken. Eventually I felt so much pain I started to feel nothing. My parents got frustrated with me because I became so passive and ‘lazy’. Little do they know, depression carries many forms and one of them is sleep. It’s an escape. Depression doesn’t make you lazy, it makes your mind and body tired. There were a lot of moments where I wanted to **** myself and my mom was screaming at me to do the dishes. She had no clue. It got really dark really fast. One day in class while everybody was working, my eyes started watering. Because I knew they were thinking about their work or friends, but all I could think of was how much rather I’d be at the edge of a bridge about to jump. I fantasize a lot about my death. It became normal to me after a while. Most days I can’t get out of bed, let alone do something, II’m trying my best but I just can’t breathe anymore and every second I’m alive I feel like I’m drowning. That’s why I like to have long showers. Because when I sit in the shower maybe I can drown in something else than my own thoughts. Depression is like a thief. It stole my education, my friends, my motivation, my dreams, my future and most of all, me. I can’t remember the last time I was happy. I always fake a smile. I’m not sad anymore. I am numb. And numb, I know, is somehow worse. I can’t connect with people because I can’t really feel much. I just feel so ******* empty and it is so exhausting to feel nothing and everything at the same time. I feel myself changing, I don’t even laugh the same way anymore. I don’t talk or think the same. I’m just tired of everything. And I see all these happy people around me and I can’t help but wonder why I can’t be like that. My day doesn’t really consists out of a lot of happiness. I wake up, I look in the mirror, I cringe, I know I’m ugly, I know I’m fat and disgusting, I want to die. And the worst thing is, the next day, it happens all over again until the day I give up. That they is really soon. My body and my mind are shutting down and I give in. I’m tired of this fight, all I want to do is rest.
