I really wish I didn’t give a **** about so many things.
    I care about things and people that I really should not care about. It isn’t good for my health.
    It’s  absolutely exhausting.
    It wears down on my soul.
    Over time I’ve realized that my soul is like an old ***** dish rag that has been tossed and burned and wrung out too many times by too many people I’ve cared for.
    I’ve had many people go down the wrong road in life and become shells of who they once were
    …I’ve had too many die.
    I’ve reached out far too many times and each time my hand gets burnt.
    I’m absolutely exhausted and I can’t learn from all the times I’ve been burned.
    I’m becoming uncomfortably numb to these situations.
    Someone may die tonight…” oh…”
    Yeah, You know what they say, right?
    ”You can lead a horse to water, but you cant make em’ drink.”
    All my life I’ve been trying to force horses to drink the ****** water and I have to sit there and watch them shrivel up and die right in front of me. Time and time again.
    "Get up, ******* it! PLEASE get up! All You have to do is ******* drink this! Do you hear me? I’m trying to help you! PLEASE GET UP!"
    …Do you have any idea what that’s like?
    I feel like a fool who should stop fighting.

She still lay hunched over,
It had all happened in a blur,
She tried not to recall,
But it was all she could do about,
What happened was;
A nightmare, devastation.
Her innocence corrupted, like the gum on the road
Under her nose.
It was happening
She had just become another victim,
A possibilty she had never phantomed,
She listened to her heart's rythum,
She wished for it to stop,
She tried and tried,
To wipe her tears,
To muffle her sobs,
To get up and run,
But all she could do was,
To think what he had done.

My body runs on anger
what shall I do with despair?
I am uncertain of how
to handle gloom and sorrow

my body runs on anger
I’ve no use of thee, despair
so out with you, oh, fowl cow
and return to the dark of below

what did this to you, my strong one?
what reduced you to such a state
so cold and pale and weak and frail
as though someone didst sedate..
wake! wake! I cannot take the wait.

you, never meek, who forbade me to weep
how can you lie so, with no trace of life?
I choked at the sight
but did not shed a single tear
I did not, I promise, not even one

the needles and pipes and tubes and pins
cover every available inch of skin
no stretch of wrinkled flesh remains unprobed
icy skin makes my blood to fire akin

vile, putrid bile rises in my throat_
wretched sorrow, arointh thee!
-I cannot handle woe.

What was it he said
while we sat on the bench


Saturn glimpsed down, considering proposal
but Mars reflected in his own vanity, said no preemptively.
Popsicle boy flicked his hair off his forehead and asked the sun why he was so bored.
"22 thousand civilian casualties in Iran and we don’t even give a ****. Thousands of homeless in this city alone. How is that possible?"
He pointed at a lightning bug.
"I can plant as many community gardens as I want, it still doesn’t make a difference!"

You compose my inadequacy,
this front which I present is not true
for I do not want to love you
and you do not want me to.

Love is false;
I trick myself into it every time.

you were just a teen

but i was less than that

i was so confused on how to act

i looked at you and your long blonde hair

and somehow found myself in there.



your confusion left me feeling sure

your hand in mine, i felt secure

and I know it must’ve hurt that
all people wanted was
more more more


and-
i know you never needed anyone

after you lost your drug

but when a relationship dies, death still can’t conquer love

and love was all around you

but you purposely sought out hate

inhaled it down, held it in,

and for once, i couldn’t relate


i watched you plan your fate

through your destruction and watched you spiral

and when i went to pull you out

you let out this sickly smile

as if begging me to let you be

convincing yourself this was your destiny

as if pain in these doses was keeping you alive

who was this person i saw inside?



and all those times you attacked me with your eyes

and all those times you had me stuck in your lines

you were just ******* with our minds

cuz you enjoyed this maniacal ride



i still
would
reach for your hand

to bring you back,
it was always my plan

but with walls so thick and made of stone

to save you, i learned, i had to leave you alone.

Where were you,
when my body wasn't my own. And he did what he wanted to my mom first.
Saving me for last?

Where were you,
when fear filled my lungs. And my blood filled my mouth as I was hit blow after blow?

You were tasting her with your skin as she made you satisfied.
Something I'd never let you do to me.
I'd hate you if you did.

Do to her what you watch on the internet.
On those sites where you have to pay for a show.

Living in the moment of your ***** happiness she entertains you and your fantasies.

Ignoring my screams and trading them for hers. Leading you on.

Where were you,
when I begged for mercy on my knees.
As he lifted his military boot to knock me down to the ground?

With your name being screamed in my soul and I called for help through my miserable tears?









Where were you????

I kept it a secret
When your voice pierced the walls.
When I was four and frightened,
at the booming from the hall.

Never known what a monster was.
In truth, I thought they’d never exist.
Until the monster raged at my mother.
Held her down by her wrists.

Screaming and fighting.
Fighting and begging.
With swollen cheeks and blurred vision she made me promise to stay.
To lock the doors.
And never open them.
No matter what things she’d say.

Locked ourselves in our room.
In diapers and with shrieks.
Keeping my two little brothers from the door.
The thunks were getting louder.
Some heavy objects hitting the floor.

Fear has never existed,
till that night in the hall.
Till I saw with my own eyes,
what a bad man did to my mom.

The door refused him in.
My face warm with tears.
The next time I’d remember this, was when I made eighteen years.
Our voices were hoarse from screaming.
Screaming.
For our mother.

Thuds and broken glass.
Giving me no choice.
I kept the door locked from his rage and booming voice.
Objects breaking in the hall.
My two year old brother tried to open the lock,
I pulled him back so he’d fall.
Frustrated and scared he screamed in my arms.
I wouldn’t let anything give them ****** harm.

The door cracked as the monster punched it repeatedly.
As he hit her repeatedly.
As he kicked it repeatedly.
As he hurt her...

repeatedly.

Trying to get to us.

Mommy said I had to take care of them.
Not to let the monster in.
No matter what happened.
No matter how badly we shook.
No matter how painful her screams.

The door spit out splinters.
And was damaged in three places.
Imagine the damage it’s do...
if it struck our young faces.

The legos and toys I set against the door trembled.
With each punch.
With each kick.
With each bit of rage.
Never knew what’d happen to my mom or my brothers.
This thought was making me sick.

She screamed in agony in the hall.
In pain, she threw words at an angry man.
Blows so hard hit....
Hit her again.
And again.
We could feel it in the walls.

Courage building like Lincoln Logs, with my hands to my chest.

I unlocked the door...
And saw my beaten mother on the floor.

Seeing me in his peripheral vision, he saw me.
Made his way towards where I stood...

Four and Frightened I shrieked for my mommy.
As I heard her yell “DON’T YOU TOUCH HER YOU BSTRD!!!!”


Then everything went black.