So little
is as perfect
as right now, and

so few things
are as wonderful
as it is

right now

elusive
a school of silver fish in the net
all slick small enough to slip
drip through the cracks
gaps plink wriggle back
into the sea
where even the minnows swim free
so I stay on the waters and cast the nets again
and wait to haul in my next catch.

Don't constantly strive

to be happy, then you live –


a lot happier.

NOW LIFE’S GONNA BE DESPAIR
LIFE’S GONNA BE ****** AND FROZEN
LIFE’S GONNA NEVER BE HAPPY AGAIN
LIKE I HAD WHEN I WAS YOUNG

‘CAUSE I REGRET THE DECISION I’VE MADE
‘CAUSE I BROKE THE BRIDGES I BUILT
‘CAUSE I LEFT THE ONES I LOVED
WHICH DESTROYED MY FUTURE
AND STAINED MY BLOOD

I’M NOT THE ONE I WAS
OR I ASSUMED ME TO BE
I CAN’T LIVE HERE ANYMORE
I’M SO SURE AND I GUARANTEE

‘CAUSE IT’S IN MY ROOTS, IT’S IN MY VEINS
IT’S IN MY BLOOD, IT’S IN MY BRAIN
TO BE CARELESS, TO BE RECKLESS
TO DESTROY EVERYTHING, TO FINISH MYSELF  

AND SO, I MISS MY BEST FRIEND I HAD
I MISS MY CHILDHOOD I PLAYED
I MISS THE FLASHBACKS I ADORE
WHEN LIFE WAS A PARTY TO BE THROWN
BUT THAT ALL WAS TWO YEARS BEFORE

times passes slowly now
the only times that had mattered
have all rolled on by

gone with the wind
and the dust has now settled
memories fade with the rays of light

our golden hour is in the past
night falls onto our shoulders
my mind is hesitant to say if it is heavier

than the weight of your words
when you said you were finally happy
my heart bled gold for you

Feeling empty in this lonely room
I slowly drifted of to sleep
And you are the love that I dreamt of

I exactly can’t remember the things we said to each other
But the feeling persists and the happiness longs
And every night when I close my eyes
You are the love that I dream of

I can’t seem to forget the moments we had
And don’t want to erase the memory of you
Cause every night when I close my eyes
I dream of you

I have a feeling that I am falling for you
I feel a little different talking about you
And I know you and I live in two different worlds
But the thing is that you are the love that I dreamt of

So even though this love I imagine can’t be a reality
I live through the day and wait for the night
When it’s time to meet you in a world that I created
In a dream where we are perfect for each other

Because

You are the love that I dreamt of

My body is incredible
Not only do the subtle curves from inch to inch make me feel desired
Or the little waist my mothers middle age friends comment on
Or the fragile battle scars of a lifetime spent trying.

But the internal haven of complex systems
Each of which so cleverly placed.
A life source
I am my mother and fathers child
A founding force of a long full love
A miracle
Trillions of lives I may have lived
Millions of faces I would never had seen
Thousands of places I longed to go.

My body is my protector
Sheltering me from my worst instincts
To carry me through youth with agility
And to eventually carry another
But that is my choice

You cannot put me or my body in a box
You cannot tell me how to live
Or choose
Throw away your pointless cries of justification
I can’t hear you
I don’t want to hear you.
Why should a government official tell me how to be, who to carry, what to do.
My body is a vessel not yet ready for carry.

I need to carry me first
Take it a step at a time
I don’t love myself yet
It takes time
Nor do I love my body
Appreciation is the word. For now.
From the intricate designs of the birth mark on my leg
To the S shape scar on my thigh
The unanswered scar on my cheek and the moles that cover my arms.

They are mine and no one else’s
They can stay as I choose
As can it
Not he or she or they but it
Because it’s my choice

I am not an object
You do not own me

You do not own women

hide myself in my home territory
my castle, palace, defending me from outside threats
bury my sadness beneath friendly banter
inside jokes, my family i made in this virtual space

but the one i long for isn't here anymore-
"sorry, our princess in in another castle"
someone i can tell secrets to, someone i can be real with
let go of the mask of comedian and spill an ocean of tears

and the cracks in the foundations and walls are showing through.
everyone is broken here, hiding their sadness with laughter
we're supposed to be a family,
but we can't show weakness to each other

dms are always open, we say
but once we spill just a single bucket of that ocean
everything online can be screenshotted.