The lights all up around me
They dance and flicker
Swirling up and down each tree
As the music gets quicker
What a colorful holiday
Something new around each bend
We climb into Santa’s sleigh
And begin to ascend
The clouds fall below us
As we are launched into the sky
The turns we took were brusque
But the heavens never felt so nigh…
...
...
I cover you with a quilt
For the sleigh keeps climbing higher
Towards your hometown we tilt
I wonder, what will transpire?
There’s something big in the back
Is it full of coal?
Perhaps there’s something else in that sack
A doll, a plane, a little toy troll?
Perhaps we will find out
Your hometown draws near
Rudolf raises his red snout
Followed by the rest of the reindeer…
...
...
They shift their gaze
Towards a landing strip
People down there in a craze
We must look like a spaceship
They angle their flight
Right down the middle
It is quite the sight
And the thrill makes us giggle
What’s going on down below?
I ask Santa sitting up front
“I don’t really know”
He says as a reindeer grunts
“They must be waiting for you
Down there, to see what took place
For you came back with her,
That’s not exactly commonplace”
I look back at you, and you meet my gaze
Together we’ll get through
Of that I have no doubt
The sleigh is landing now
There is no backing out…
...
...
Santa pulls up on the reins
On the landing strip the sleigh glides
Only stepping out remains
As we do, the crowd divides
There in the middle
Surrounded by curious people
Stands a man with thumbs he twiddles
He looks more nervous than you or I
I grab your hand and look back again
This is it, we feel suddenly shy
Now’s not the time, so confidence we feign
We look forward and meet his eye
He looks at us and gives a sigh
“Dad?” you say
You look back at me, with display
Introductions are made
Feelings are conveyed
We no longer stand in a masquerade
Everything is out
The closet has swung open
We have nothing left to hide
You squeeze my hand
I coincide
As we look to your dad and wait
…
…
He looks at you with love
Then he looks at me squarely
Before he can say a word
Santa breaks in and shouts “let’s all be merry!”
The crowd breaks into laughter
As Santa sates the air with a magic
And joy fills everyone’s thoughts
Your father looks at us again
This time, with a smile, he simply nods

Fight or flight
A gut response.

I've bathed in hatred dressed like leathermans pointed at my ribcage.

Jumped off rooftops thinking the ground was softer than my future.

Told woman to choke me until I purple
Purple plays verb safer than run
Than scream
than remember.

When your sancuary
Has a spotlight on the one thing you've been escaping from.
Fight or flight.

"Hello"
You tap her shoulder.
Confirm she's not your hallucination.
You still aren't sure.
You couldn't touch long enough.

Do not ask.
"where is she?"
Or "so you're an alcohaulic now?"
Or "are you having a panic attack? Because I'm having a panic attack.
And you used to always have panic attacks.

Do not pose:
If I avoid the streets of an entire city
So I won't cross your path.
whether you are there or not.
See Your ghost in the deli,
Order gelato, carrying a carseat.
hear your name
reach out to thin air
that belongs in my lungs.

Why, beautiful disaster
Are you skipping your A.A. meeting
Sitting at this bar, that I call home.
Drinking on a stool that with one moment
Belongs to your ghost now.

how did you stumble into this bomb shelter?
Were the salt circles not enough to keep you out?
have I not been loud enough?
I preach the Gospel of this microphone.
Everyone within a ten mile radius of a screen
knows I come here at this time
on this day
every week

If you ever want to see me.
I'll be here.
I can't leave.

You can.
You don't have to.
I mean, I didn't invite you.
But when has that ever stopped you before?
If you need to face me head on.
Come.
I need you too.
Let's dance
Forget the empty dresser covered in princess stickers
Forget the swirling mattress of our lies and mistakes.
**** Google+
your perfect ***,
the photographs I can't delete.

Jump on this bar table with me.
Show them how it breaks under our weight.
Smash that beer against the wall
Jam the broken bottle in my ribs
I promise you.
I will ******* feel it.
If my blood doesn't spill out.
If my pain doesn't splatter this godamned stage.
If a single person in this room forgets
This dance
When we purple.
our bodies slammed off every dining room table
Shatter wine glasses into chapbooks
tear off your fake smiling mask
throw it at a nearby ******.
Naked screaming killing each other.
When we blackout.

your ghost will still be sitting at the godamned bar haunting me.

And it's funny
Why does it hurt?
It's not like I go a day
without seeing you anyway

Dip into my morning sky o' blue jay of mine. I want to awaken to your beauty. Soar into my mind when all has gone wrong. I want to imagine the sound of you tweeting.
Oh how unsheltered head, you are now limitless, but fly into my humble abode and you will fly protected, yet freely.
Fear not my love, of stormy weather. No longer shall you fly on weary wings. No longer shall you fear the hunter, no longer shall you fly from anything. Lay with me. Rest with me. My heart is your den. And if naught you take up my offer, I shan't worry- for in the morn' I will admire you again.

Once I loved a pretty girl
But she don’t live round here no more
Ventured out into the world
To keep her pride and settle scores

I remember brighter days
Full of song and open seas
Then mid-September’s chill gave way
We can’t refuse our destiny

Seasons changed – feelings, too
Suddenly she’s out of touch
Portraits of our dream won’t do
Now as I paint, I lick the brush

After hours at the bar
Chewing fat and catching eyes
Often wonder where you are
Or if that’s you dressed in disguise

Once I loved another girl
But not the same one as before
Like a clam without a pearl
She was a shell without a core

I tried to help; I gave her love
Favors, ***, and cash to burn
Everything I could think of!
And asked for nothing in return

Then I fell into a hole –
Funny how these things turn out –
In need of but a gentle soul
To lift me up above the clouds

But when I asked for her to care
To show the warmth of open arms
She offered nothing but a stare
And only time could break her guard

Once I healed a broken heart
Brought about by foolish charm
Gave it my all right from the start
Unraveled like a ball of yarn

Days went by and turned to months
Drawing close to my twine’s end
So I sought out familiar fronts
To seek the love of kin & friends

My heart grew warm and full of joy
I leaped with faith and did good deeds
My shaded past would not destroy
The man that only I could be

The months grew closer to next year
As one by one I placed the stones
That built the path to facing fear
And taking on the world alone

Once I triumphed over evil
Choked the devil til he died
Oh, he’ll be back, there’s no doubt he will
But never more shall steal my pride

Once I learned that Love is Evil
Now she’s back to claim her prize
But I won’t let my heart be refilled
Without the whole piece of the pie

My hands were sweaty and my stomach practiced summersaults
I wished for my body to fall into a black hole of space and time;
until this was all just a memory. I longed to be flooded with relief
I don't remember how we said hello, or if she asked how I was
Her lips were ruby red.
She once told me Sunday's were for band t-shirts and your boyfriend's sweats
I used to provide the latter
Now I don't focus on who does
She spoke a lot, I smoked a lot
She hasn't grown up much between our years of separation
Did I expect her to? Do I really mind that she hasn't?
She's still the same, she'll always be mine
In a parallel universe I'm waking up next to her
Butterflies bursting from my stomach as she pulls a Fleetwood Mac t-shirt over her head.
As I said goodbye all I was thinking was 'who the **** listens to Jethro Tull anymore?'

Passion's desire's
Lost its fire.
You said:
*Wanna be friends?

Person one
We thought we were in love,
and you made plans for our future,
and I put up with all your faults,
as you put up with mine.
but then it all started to fall apart,
and you wouldn't tell me what was wrong,
and I started to hate you for the way you made me feel.
I felt I was doing something wrong,
or maybe it was just you,
was I abusive in the way I treated you?
should I find someone new?
And as I told you it was over,
you were expressionless, you didn’t seem to care,
and I was angry cause I wondered if love was ever there,
we had been so happy,
and life was okay.
then after November,
everything changed.
Person Two
I loved you with all my heart,
and I think you loved me to,
there were no fights between us,
and our love was bright and new,
you were so perfect,
and you still are I guess,
but then that November,
my heart was torn from my chest.
I was waiting to see you,
and I was so happy that whole time,
and even now some part of me wishes you were still mine.
cause that night when you spoke to me,
you said it had to end,
and I was in tears and sobbing,
but you said it was for the best,
and I accepted you didn't love me,
and I supported you wanting someone else,
because though I still loved you,
and you had loved me,
after November,
everything changed.
Person One
Now your a point of anxiety,
not to be mentioned, because it hurts so.
I may have hurt you, but you hurt me to,
and you still don't seem to want to know.
its like your a cloud, a fog in my past,
blurring the good memories and bad,
and we had been happy,
then November came,
and it was all torn apart,
now everything has changed.
Person Two*
I still speak with you,
and I still love you so,
I would still die for you, if the moment came.
though you have someone else,
and I want to know them too,
because my love has changed from how it once was.
you broke my heart,
but our friendship healed it.
and I don't quite trust love,
but I know I love you.
and though I wouldn’t come back to you,
you're still dear to my heart,
and our memory’s will always be cherished.
cause we were in love,
and though we may grow apart,
November came,
and not everything changed.