Pardon me as I burst into flames and vanish into a cloud of smoke.

The world's some sick joke and I'm done trying to laugh.

Can’t you see me crying?
Flames gnawing at my skin?
Can’t you hear my belting cries
Deep from the underbelly,
From the darkest depths within?

How much longer must you hide from
That which you’re not willing to address?
You put on a mask in your own home,
You cannot see what is amiss.
Must I spell it out for you?
Must I make it painfully clear that I am suffering?
Baffled by the change in behaviour,
You point the finger at me and say
I am to blame!
Is there no introspection on your part?
No patience when asking questions?
No curiosity when seeing my pain?
No time. No time at all.
No proof to hold,
My struggle must be in vain.

Nothing.
I get nothing from you.
No warmth.
Nothing. Nothing at all.
So cold, cruel, callous.
I cry I cry
I make puddles, pools,
Still you won’t believe me.

So quickly you forget
I just was with you
And so quickly
you forget , I exist
That's what frustrates
me the most
It's ok **** no it's not
I keep yelling to myself
Telling myself don't go
The text I get
maybe weeks later
I go again
I really can't continue
So quickly you always
forget ..
Why am , I so
quickly forgotten
I hope , I will figure
it out
And so quickly maybe
I will forget you to
© Jennifer L DeLong 🦏
8/26/2021

I tried
I'm spent
I give up
I relent

I quit
I'll just stop
I can't stand
I just flop

I'm broke
I'm a mess
I've no *****
I regress

I've failed
I won't fight
I'm lost
I can't write

What the eff is up with this site?
Why is it most people on the front page can't write?
Folks just babble on and on...
Or spit out a two line poem
Which is fine if it's a two punch knockout
Instead of sounding like a grammar school dropout
And why do certain things get so many views?
I can't seem to get more than two
Post crap if you want, if that's what people write
But they should give everybody a chance on this site
So I don't write about flowers or blather on about paint
So I don't pretend to be something I ain't
We should all have a voice here, The good and the bad
The silly, the happy, the lost and the sad
So come on hellopetry, give gutter poets a try
If you'd rise just a bit, we could meet eye to eye.

Is this it ? Is this (to be) the One ?
....No! It won't work, it never does... they never do
It works for others yes!
But no! not for me
Have seen too many false dawns now
I won't fool myself again with thoughts of...
Thoughts of El Dorado land.

Just because I've found a new way
And it'll feel good for a little while
But then it'll go just like they always go
Those nice feelings that come
They lie to me, they laugh at me
Make a fool of me every time
Like a mirage
Dancing tantalisingly in the distance
Only to disappear once you grow near
I know their not going to last, not going to stay
They'll not take me... not take me to El Dorado land.

But still, maybe... maybe I'll celebrate all the same
Just for the hell of it
Make believe that this was surely IT this time
Yea! I'll get a little drunk and pretend, pretend I've found it at last
What I've always been looking for,
All those years of looking and never finding
Feeding on scraps, vague intuitions, funny dreams and feelings...
Even though I know it's not gonna work
Knowing that behind it all it was always bound to fail
That I'll always be outside those gates looking in
Knowing I'm not invited.

                          II

They talked of a land that was wondrous, marvellous!
Not something out there but something here within
Of a strength that was golden, that was yours and yours alone
That could never be stolen
A great treasure that lay inside... that lay within
I read their books, I studied their maps
And then I set out, I set out for El Dorado land.

I followed them as best I could
I tried, I tried but seemed to lose every time
I know - I know I did it wrong
I always do it wrong
Wrong is where I live I think
Wrong is where I come from
Probably Wrong is where I belong.

I'm old now
I watched and waited too long
And nothing much really happened
And no one...no one came.

To have lived and never to have seen, never to have known
El Dorado land.

you did nothing wrong
you are amazing
i just don’t want to be
in a relationship right now

i was the common denominator

fool me once - shame on you
fool me twice - shame on me
get broken up with for the same reason
four times - it’s a ******* pattern

how do I explain to someone new
that I am running out of pieces
of myself to give away

that i’ve stopped saving phone numbers in my phone until somebody proves
that they’re going to stay

that I don’t even know how to talk about myself
because the things that
make me - me
were the reasons
why everyone else left

that i haven’t figured out
what I’m doing wrong
and my track record
makes me not want to try

how do you tell someone new...
that you already know
they aren’t going to stay

Sometimes , I wanna disappear
Sometimes , I wanna just
quit
I wonder why , I always
keep going
I don't see anything
in my future
that , I am so in need of
I am still alone
I am still struggling
It's these times
I really just feel the pain
burning my soul
How can one go through
so much pain , hurt
and still just keep living
Knowing there's more to come
Like a punch in the gut
Where's the reason
Where's the purpose
Why not just disappear
It's not like anyone would
notice
So maybe , I will just
Disappear

:: © Jennifer L DeLong 2/2021::