Is this it ? Is this (to be) the One ?
....No! It won't work, it never does... they never do
It works for others yes!
But no! not for me
Have seen too many false dawns now
I won't fool myself again with thoughts of...
Thoughts of El Dorado land.

Just because I've found a new way
And it'll feel good for a little while
But then it'll go just like they always go
Those nice feelings that come
They lie to me, they laugh at me
Make a fool of me every time
Like a mirage
Dancing tantalisingly in the distance
Only to disappear once you grow near
I know their not going to last, not going to stay
They'll not take me... not take me to El Dorado land.

But still, maybe... maybe I'll celebrate all the same
Just for the hell of it
Make believe that this was surely IT this time
Yea! I'll get a little drunk and pretend, pretend I've found it at last
What I've always been looking for,
All those years of looking and never finding
Feeding on scraps, vague intuitions, funny dreams and feelings...
Even though I know it's not gonna work
Knowing that behind it all it was always bound to fail
That I'll always be outside those gates looking in
Knowing I'm not invited.

                          II

They talked of a land that was wondrous, marvellous!
Not something out there but something here within
Of a strength that was golden, that was yours and yours alone
That could never be stolen
A great treasure that lay inside... that lay within
I read their books, I studied their maps
And then I set out, I set out for El Dorado land.

I followed them as best I could
I tried, I tried but seemed to lose every time
I know - I know I did it wrong
I always do it wrong
Wrong is where I live I think
Wrong is where I come from
Probably Wrong is where I belong.

I'm old now
I watched and waited too long
And nothing much really happened
And no one...no one came.

To have lived and never to have seen, never to have known
El Dorado land.

you did nothing wrong
you are amazing
i just don’t want to be
in a relationship right now

i was the common denominator

fool me once - shame on you
fool me twice - shame on me
get broken up with for the same reason
four times - it’s a ******* pattern

how do I explain to someone new
that I am running out of pieces
of myself to give away

that i’ve stopped saving phone numbers in my phone until somebody proves
that they’re going to stay

that I don’t even know how to talk about myself
because the things that
make me - me
were the reasons
why everyone else left

that i haven’t figured out
what I’m doing wrong
and my track record
makes me not want to try

how do you tell someone new...
that you already know
they aren’t going to stay

Sometimes , I wanna disappear
Sometimes , I wanna just
quit
I wonder why , I always
keep going
I don't see anything
in my future
that , I am so in need of
I am still alone
I am still struggling
It's these times
I really just feel the pain
burning my soul
How can one go through
so much pain , hurt
and still just keep living
Knowing there's more to come
Like a punch in the gut
Where's the reason
Where's the purpose
Why not just disappear
It's not like anyone would
notice
So maybe , I will just
Disappear

:: © Jennifer L DeLong 2/2021::

Bling
Bling
...
Bling

The bombardment of messages was deafening
Every new message pounded at my head
As I wore a pillow over my head, protecting

Bling

My eyes closed shut as my body shook
Rage started to brew, but
I knew better than to look
At the betraying notifications, this much was true

Bling

Overwhelmed,
desperate,
frustrated,
disappointed­

Bling

"Patterns seemingly can't be broken"
Were some of the last thoughts on my brain
As I fell into a deep sleep in a sea of tears

Bling

Why is it always trash night?
Just another small thing I fight
Like tailpipes on the highway
And timelines that go sideways...
It's the trivial things that eat me up
Nibble by nibble, right through my gut
Don't sweat the small stuff?
****, that sounds nice
But what if the small stuff
Is your entire ******* life.

“How do you feel?” I ask again. I, knowing the answer, poke my head into the lion's den. I feel the ghost of your frustrations floating about in the confined space. It haunts the room as our shadows strangle each other.

“What is the opposite of homesick?“ You ask.

“Homesick, ” I answer.

They clap our backs, nod their heads
Look down and distant smile
When we tug at their t-shirts
And ask to be heard

Their gazes wander, and block their ears
Sneak a look at the television
They sit us down, telling us to talk
And in between, stand up when their phones ring

They tell us that you will do great things some day
That the world rests upon your hands
You will climb to the top and pull each other up
But keep pushing us down instead

They tell us that you are the future
And dive out of our thoughts
They think it is an excuse
For sizing us up, and declaring us not enough

Not yet, they say. Not now, they murmur
Have you ever thought that
We don't want to be the future
Because we need to be the present?

That we don't want to lead the world
But instead, just live in it?

That before we want to do things that are great
We just want to live in a world that is?