so close yet so far
so thin yet so fat
so dark yet so bright
so wrong yet so right
so hot yet so warm
*so yours yet so mine

people often underestimate me,

i am either

to dumb,

or to unskilled.

i am

to weak,

or to busy.

i am

to fat,

or to sad.

when in reality all i am is

m i s u n d e r s t o o d

I gave in
They yell at me
They call me fat
They call me a pig
They tore my heart
But this chocolate healed it
They knocked me down
They told me to die
They said I'm no good
But my mama tell me to stand tall
How can you stand tall when the world shuns you down?

she stepped out a twirled, how do i look?
with the shocking look on my face and the delay in my answer , she asked the question
this question makes men siver , shake , and sweat , makes them wish they could plea the 5th
does this dress make me look fat?
this was my answer
do you think i evcer fell for what you wear? no, because what was important is that everywhere we went , i would be wearing you on my arm.
because with a woman like you it wasnt about the words that were spoken but the silences that were understood
because with a woman like you my eyes can meet yours and feel the truth laying within them
because with a woman like you a simple touch can send a jolt of lightning through my system just to jumpstart my heart.
because of the woman you are , that dress wont make you anything youre not
because of the woman you are , you make that dress everythiing you are.... BEAUTIFUL

I envy those who can eat without conscience
I long for the infamous day when "things will get better"
I strive for an impossibility that I can feel within my reach
I expend the necessary energy to achieve a negative net
My mind rattles with number and limits
Counting the minutes 'til my next meal
Portion control and restrictions
Fighting the urges of binges
They say I'm just skin and bones
But what I see is all I'll know

Be gentle with her
for the words of others have never done much
but break her esteem.
Caress her undesirable sides,
her spirit breaking thighs,
her disappointing arms
as you would the body of a thin woman.
Be patient with her,
tell her she is beautiful
because for ages,
society, peers, family
have treated her as though she was a blemish of humanity.

Trace the stretch marks along her sides with care
for she is always doing the opposite.
Treat her body with the respect and tenderness
that she yearns for.
Be patient with her,
take her in, savour her, swallow her naked body whole.

Do not get grumpy with her when she pulls her shirt down
during the sweaty collision of your tongues
for she is only trying to comfort herself.
Be patient with her,
instead whisper ‘you are beautiful’ into her skin and
leave kisses of assurance on her stomach.

While she kisses you
let her search for motive.
Expose your good intentions.
She will dust your lips for other girl’s prints
for lack of understanding why you’d choose her.
Be patient with her. It is not your fault.
It is not that she does not trust you.
it is that her soul is laced with disbelief and apprehension.

Listen to her when she voices her worries out loud.
Listen as her voice shakes and she confides in you.
Reassure her, be patient with her.
Wrap your words around her;
create a blanket of trust to keep her warm.

I dropped more today.
From the gelatinous 180 last August
To my blubbery 156
I thought this would go faster.
She told me it would.

Emily is like this corpse, you see…
How they’re always on your mind, haunting.
Her ***** stained face, flashes, like a memory
“This is where you’ll end up. Just ******* wait.”

I’m not scared. I promise.
But I don’t trust her pretty.
Not completely.



UPDATE:

I tried to ignore the urge to throw up.
But now that I gained all of my weight back,
I'm throwing caution to the wind,
going to college and
starving this fat away.

I pledge 177 to plunge to 140 by Thanksgiving.