She said: You're ugly
not with brutality
not with honesty
but with the sly backhand
slap
look at all that fat
fatfatfat
her hand branded me from that time.

nestled me into the crook of her arms
held me under
for way too long
I forgot how to get food without tongs

She was built like a rhino
and I think she wanted a hand

slap
fat fat fat

to stop the hand that had slapped her
so she reached for my thigh
cellulite and stretch marks
slap
she slapped them red.
Wish I hadn't run.

I think I would have smiled at her.
And asked why she thought hitting fat people was fun.

Her tears won’t stop
It’s never ending rain
Bad thoughts in every drop
Followed by all her pain
Fat is what she’s called
Depressed she became
When alone she bawled
It’s never ending rain

i do my hair over ten times in the morning so my hair will look nice at school for people. i workout three times a day and eat almost nothing so that when i wear my tight cheer leading uniform people don’t say “oh look it’s the fat cheerleader again”. i wear red lipstick and wear ten coats of mascara so that i will look smarter and more trustworthy like the beauty quizzes say i will. i wear so much makeup to cover up my teenage flaws and “natural beauty” so that when people look at me they won’t see anything wrong with me or say “gosh **** she’s so ugly”. i spend all of my money on clothes that make my features look better because i don’t want a boy to say that I have a flat chest or ****. i whiten my teeth everyday of the week with charcoal so when boys tell me to smile “because it’s ****” they don’t have to see a yellow nasty smile. i stay up so late at night to study for test after test so my friends won’t have to say “yeah that’s my friend with the point five IQ”. i do so much for other people to love and accept me that i forget to love myself and it hurts. it hurts to know that i’ll never see myself the way the my parents or sisters see me.