My grandfather peels an
X-chromosome off his liquor bottle
skips it across the pool of my mother’s genes
until it reaches me
yellow cigarette stained walls
green ashtray carpet on his tongue
blue back room full of old guitars
black mechanic oil stained hands
sandpaper voice
watching Jaws 4
homeless woman on couch
feeds dog black coffee
brown belly dragging across tongue
Thanksgiving dinners
my brother plays “Purple Haze”
out of a reluctant amplifier
the old folks applaud
the colors are beginning to
fade
he
battling cancer his way
watching Jaws 4
dog now dead
homeless woman now
no longer homeless
back skin where left ear
used to be
old guitars pawned for
drugs
Purple Haze fades to
black as colors do
and they say
it skips a generation
and now when shades
of pink appear white
my tongue grows thick
smoke burns my nostrils
and
I can only think of
how terrible of a film
Jaws 4 is.

Maybe it's true
About what they said

And the feelings fade
All that's left is fake

Why choose to stay
When it's all fake

Are you scared
To be alone

On your own
Or you're scared of loneliness

i like it when
i force the wet out of your burning eyes

i like it when
your soul breaks at the sleight of my hand

i like it when
your smile fades away from your beautiful face

i like it when
you throw yourself at me so desperately

i like it when
you miss me like i miss feeling you
beneath my fingers
underneath my weight
behind the curtain
coughing up love
bleeding out care
and screaming with happiness

i like it when
we play hide and seek
and when i leave
you never know where to find me
maybe i'm at the bar
maybe i'm making you jealous
maybe i'm making love

maybe i'm delusional
maybe i'm irrational
maybe i'm weird
maybe i'm scary
or maybe this is what you call love

We were,
Scarlet when we discovered each other

We were,
Carmine when we found ourselves

We were,
Ruby when we said our promises


And all of sudden,
We were Blue.

I never understood the reason I cry before things end
is because the man that was supposed to wake up every morning and tell me I was worthy,
only ever texted me on my birthday to tell me he was proud.
As if he ever played any part in raising the person I am today.
How dare he show his face every other holiday and act as if the good in me came from him.
I've spent the last twenty years using boys to fill his void.
I've spent the last twenty years begging those to stay that were never meant to.
Because the only way I knew to recognize a man's love was in his inconsistency.
You tell me you want me but the daylight fades over and over and I haven't heard from you in two weeks.
I learned when I was 5 years old that a man's words mean nothing when his actions don't align.
I am done giving you the benefit of the doubt.