this thing we
choose
to call beautiful

he

takes his time and
stirs up still things
hidden inside
     to
exhaust the mind

then

settles down and
infests, but

come o beloveds of
darkness and decay

for day
    is near

Hi, you have reached the voicemail box of Syreena Phelps. I am either working, sleeping, or too depressed to answer the phone. Leave your name, number, and a reason for me to live, and I'll get back to you as soon as I am mentally able. Thanks!

I am exhausted
to the point that my short term memory is fading
and I can't remember what i've done yesterday
I'll lose my train of thought as I am speaking
and have no recollection of  the topic of conversation.

I am physically exhausted
to the point of blurred vision
hoping no one has noticed my tremor is back

I am mentally exhausted
to the point that my anxiety will not subside
and no matter how hard my body is pleading with my brain
i cannot fall asleep


exhaustion is overwhelming

Going around circles
tired of all this endless arguments
wondering..
when will this going to end?

some people feel anxious a lot
some people feel overly tired all the time
some people have anger issues
some people enjoy life
some people are happy, or sad, or mad
but i am numb

when i wake up, i am numb
i stay in my room because i feel numb
i cry to try and feel something, anything
but i suddenly stop because feelings are exhausting

i hate going to school because my friends give me ****
i already get enough at home, i dont need it here too

its like everyone has their place in this school and im floating around groups
its hard to be happy when you work so hard to make everyone else happy
its hard to laugh when youre always making sure everyone else is laughing

they dont realize how easy it is to fake a smile
to tell a lie for the sake of their feelings
to act like you are just fine

they dont realize that when i look the happiest is when i feel the numbest

trying to hold a conversation with you
is mentally exhausting and i just
don’t have the time to defend every
sentence that comes out of my mouth

my words are not wrong
just because you don’t like them

I have a two-week breaking point.
For 14 days I go through the motions: emotionless.
For a fortnight of time, I am indifferent to all things.

Yet on that 15th day I snap, bringing my composure down as well.

On the 15th day, I resort back to a shell of dependency,
hunkering away in isolation with nobody to depend on.
I become a nail made for a wall, but with no wall to go into.
My sole purpose is hopeless and my ambitions crushed.

Some may say I have a two-week expiration date.

is it this loss,
the loss of her
or is it something else

constantly eating, dreaming.
looking.
waiting, searching.
failing.

people seem to find that which they look.
I do not.

am I alone in my antsy
will my leg ever stop shaking,
my heart stop looking?
will I ever be satisfied?

Is it the radio or the silence,
             or the music in your head on repeat
Does that drown the monotony of
                       replayed silence that's
never-ending like the road traveled upon?

But we never question who the hell is driving
                       us to this place that
we never even questioned.

Are we on cruise control
                 lost in our thoughts,
wrapped like a bow around a tree?