you asked me if a i wanted a house tour
at my first frat party
during my first
weekend at
school.

I still feel the heat of your breath
as it hits my skin.

I still smell the liquor as you start to lean in

I still remember the feeling of your hands
as you granted yourself  permission to explore my body
as if you had been gifted the key to the city.

your fingertips were like fire.
slowly burning across my skin
igniting a rage within my heart
that I would never learn
to put out.



   "911, what's your emergency.....?

                       ...I am burnt beyond repair...

i’m sorry i let you down.
i should go now anyway.
don’t be alarmed if you never see me again.
this will be my last mistake.
if you notice anyway

i don’t know how to not feel broken.

i don’t know how to make the anxiety go away.

i don’t know how to make the sadness go away.

please let this be a fixable chemical imbalance.

i don’t know what’s wrong with me and it’s causing me to lose myself

i’m starting to forget who I am

i’m starting to forget what makes me happy

I knew right away
when you stopped choosing me.

I knew because you started
only texting back one word replies,

I knew because none of you snap stories
from our trip included me,

I knew because you started untagging yourself
in my instagram pictures - that you told me to tag you in,

I knew because you lied about
other girls being down the shore,

I knew because you changed your Facebook
picture to you and a "friend",

I knew because in the photo
you were wearing a shirt that I bought you,

I knew because you said
she was just an old friend,

I knew because you changed my contact name in your phone
but wouldn't explain why,

I knew because you started rehashing previous drama
just to find an excuse,

I knew because you started
ignoring my calls,

I knew because you said you
just weren't ready for a relationship,

I knew because you said you
needed some space,

I knew because two days later your Facebook said
"In a Relationship" with the girl from your picture,

I knew then that you had never been choosing me.
You were placing me,
into the void of whatever your life was missing.
Merely a place holder
until you found what you really wanted.

I knew, right away
that you stopped wanting me, choosing me, and loving me
because you never wanted
to choose me
to love
at all.

Take a moment
and think
will this truly affect me 72 hours from now?

if the answer is yes-
You need to take the time
And figure it out

if the answer is no-
You need to stop
and let. It. Go.

it is not important enough to consume your thoughts.

Let it go

maybe I’m not as good of a person as I thought.
maybe I’m the reason that someone, somewhere, can’t sleep
maybe I’ve caused someone irreversible damage

maybe thats why, while on the surface
I look happy as can be, but
Inside, I am restless, empty, cold.

maybe it’s finally happening.
maybe people are finally starting to see me
How I see myself

how do I make it stop
how do I disconnect body from brain

I don’t want to feel like this
I want the room to stop spinning
I want my thoughts to not control
The actions of my body
I want to keep my head out of the toilet
But I don’t know any other way
To feel better