As I sit here & look back
I should've walked out that door
Instead I stayed & slowly began to crack
In reality I need & deserve more
Month after month, hour after hour
It was my heart I let you devour
As you swept me off my feet
It didn't feel like a game
You fooled me being so sweet
My heart took the blow & you're to blame
I made such a huge mistake
I wonder if this was a devious plan
To see how long I'd stay & all the ******* I'd take
You were good at pretending to give a ****
I'll give credit when credit is due
You managed to pollute my head with fake love, I had no clue
I'm glad it finally ended
A relationship not worth repair
& over time my heart has mended
You're not even a friend, but you don't care
SO THIS IS TO YOU:
We are definitely, definitely THROUGH!

I see his name and my stomach plummets
Not in the way it used to
Not in the way that made my face glow
And my knees weak

Its sinking
Screaming
The blood drains from my face
And I gasp for air.

You were tender kisses and soft touches.
You were neck kisses and premature I love you’s.
You were late night calls and me always wanting more.
You were bodies intertwined and almost getting caught in the back of my car.
You were the good morning texts I stopped getting.
You were walls being built no matter how hard I tried to climb them.
You were an endless stream of lies always telling me what you thought I wanted to hear but all I wanted was the truth.
You were “I’m going to do stupid things but I still love you”.
You were distant.
You were head over heels and then nothing at all.
You were two months of my life of me not feeling comfortable with myself.
You were the embrace I never wanted to end but the one I couldn’t seem to hold on to.
You were not supposed to be any of these things, but you were always surprising me with who you weren’t.

It's hard to feel ****
when you're an unemployed college drop-out
who lives with her mother,
and your most recent achievement
is the stabilization of your short term memory.

I've got my thumb over the send button
of a text to a local ex
who was here in this same room
about, oh, five years ago
putting on his shirt while I
sat on this same bed,
neither ****** nor mother,
calculating the recent decrease in value of my soul.

You told me about the time he ***** you
how he got you drunk first so you couldn’t fight  back
how he ripped your clothes off and covered your mouth
but he couldn’t block the scream that tore from your lips when he… when he… when...
When someone else kicked down the door and beat him ******
you finally blacked out
and woke up crying because you still knew it happened.

You told me about what came after
he named it Belle, after his favorite Disney princess
how she was going to be smart like you, and aggressive like him.
she was going to be his little girl.
you couldn’t stomach her, it, that,
couldn’t name it because giving it a name made it real
so you didn’t, you ended it, that, her,
and called it nothing, except “a grand down the wrong hole”
It made me cringe to hear you say that.

You told me about the drugs
how you forgave each other and found a higher power
******.
He dealed, so you dealed, he used so you used
he got in a beef with a rival dealer so you got shot
you tried to get out so he found you two a better god,
****.
You told me it lasted four years
before your brother found out
locked you in a motel room
and watched you writhe and scream and die
how when it was over you felt love for the first time in forever
and it was bliss.
          
You told me about the breakup
how he waited for you after school
grabbed you and knocked you out
how you woke up chained to a bed
naked, gagged, alone with him
how he spent the week torturing you
shocking, beating, cutting, hitting… touching
how he split town after.

Then you told me you lied
he never existed.
You spent a year convincing me I was fixing a girl scarred by the most damning of men
only to tell me that the only broken thing about you was your word.

When you hurt me you didn't just turn me down
You left me feeling like a faceless clown,
you took my confidence to hell
buried it right beside my pride, how swell!
my ****** side? yeah that died with my dreams
You didn't just hurt me, you tore my heart apart at the seams.

But... yet....

What you took from me could never be replaced
So I went into the deepest recesses of my heart and soul and forged new items to stand in that unoccupied space
It took a lot of time
most of that spent putting my pain into rhyme
I had to go through hell to really appreciate it when I get to heaven

So thank you for stealing, because I just got new models in and more coming at 7
So now I only have these final words to say to you

Roses are red,
violets not blue
you must think I'm stupid,
if I decided to return to you

Roses Are red
a deep crimson hue,
I heard about someone getting deported to outer Mongolia
you should follow suit.

Roses are red,
spinach stalks green
you may be wondering,
why this poem is so mean

Well at the risk of sounding cliche,
it's inspired by an ex of mine,
what more can I say?

These days...

Are you sitting alone in the quiet and cold
or surrounded by friends with your colors and smoke
Are you thinking of me as you fall back to sleep
Or grinningly praising the silence and peace

Is your love still the same
Are you glad that I'm gone
Do you miss me at all
Are you happy alone?

Yeah
These days...

I knew that I cared more
****, probably too much
but now I can't eat or find joy in the comfort
of knowing you're finally happy - you're free
But did it really take you not talking to me?

God, just tell me straight
Did you want me to stay? Please...
know I'm around
Are we better this way

...these days

You're still my everything
Yeah, that'll never change
But I need commitment and love
not these tears you're proud of
You say you're a man; are you happy again?
Well, ****.

I still see you and Zuri,
I still miss my lover,
but I need security the way you need me not to hover.
I want peace and partnership
You want casual relationships
We both can't win
and we're fighting again

These days...

I get it now
I really do see
Insouciance doesn't make you worse than me
and being so invested doesn't make me right.
We want different things -
is this worth the fight?

And one day I hope you will want to be mine
But you need some space
and I need some time
to forget your ambivalent shove toward shame
and the way that it hurt you to call out my name.

But I am still here
Your pain is still mine
and though I know love tends to fade over time
I swear that mine won't
One day you will see
One day you'll remember

And it will still be
...these days.

You came over last night
Put your arm around me like you used to
I wanted to cuddle in
I wanted to pretend that we were us again
But then starts that deep nagging feeling knowing this is a mistake

You shouldn’t hold me
I shouldn’t cuddle
We aren’t us anymore
We will never be there again
And my heart cannot continue to take this push and pull

I want you so badly sometimes that I don’t know why I chose to walk away but I know it was for the best

Just need to be reminded as to why..