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Katelyn Knapp Feb 2015
These days...

Are you sitting alone in the quiet and cold
or surrounded by friends with your colors and smoke
Are you thinking of me as you fall back to sleep
Or grinningly praising the silence and peace

Is your love still the same
Are you glad that I'm gone
Do you miss me at all
Are you happy alone?

These days...

I knew that I cared more
****, probably too much
but now I can't eat or find joy in the comfort
of knowing you're finally happy - you're free
But did it really take you not talking to me?

God, just tell me straight
Did you want me to stay? Please...
know I'm around
Are we better this way

...these days

You're still my everything
Yeah, that'll never change
But I need commitment and love
not these tears you're proud of
You say you're a man; are you happy again?
Well, ****.

I still see you and Zuri,
I still miss my lover,
but I need security the way you need me not to hover.
I want peace and partnership
You want casual relationships
We both can't win
and we're fighting again

These days...

I get it now
I really do see
Insouciance doesn't make you worse than me
and being so invested doesn't make me right.
We want different things -
is this worth the fight?

And one day I hope you will want to be mine
But you need some space
and I need some time
to forget your ambivalent shove toward shame
and the way that it hurt you to call out my name.

But I am still here
Your pain is still mine
and though I know love tends to fade over time
I swear that mine won't
One day you will see
One day you'll remember

And it will still be
...these days.
Katelyn Knapp Feb 2015
You hate when I stare--
Those long, unwavering looks that let me feel like I’m touching your soul,
they’re my favorites.
But you don’t get it…
Don’t get that I’m marveling at you
Your words, your mind, your gestures,
The way your lips melt into your cheeks
and your eyelashes curl so far they touch your skin,
or how your entire face softens when you smile.
I’m memorizing you:
Line by nose,
curve by smile.

I stare because I want to hold your waist,
to touch your arm,
to feel your hand around my shoulder.
I stare because I’m dying.

What is it now?
Is my love too strong?
Do I expect too much?
Have you forgotten about me again?
It feels that way…

As I crave the warmth of your remembrance
someone else has caught your smile
and I have slipped your mind.
It’s understandable, really—
Or can I be so understanding?

You are it for me.

I wake from dreams about you only to curl into the cool, crisp spot where you should be lying in my bed.
I eat breakfast and wonder what you’re doing;
I listen to music to ponder how you feel.
When I’m upset yours is the first number I want to call
and my delight is yours to share.

You have the power to move and remove me
because I will always fall into you and yours.
There is so much to say…
But sometimes I just stare;
I stare because I’m dying.
Katelyn Knapp Jan 2015
It's vicious.
He spits honey-coated excuses
Just as I misplace forgiveness
Sliding under him,
Rising over me
As snowflakes fall outside this Brooklyn brownstone of mistakes.

But these pebbled streets
and long-forgotten sidewalks,
crossed daily by hundreds
...they soften everything.

It's beautiful and tragic
as I remember nothing and everything
If only for some time,
if only in this place.

This crack in the sidewalk, his hand in mine
That tree with the branch that hangs too low...
his eyes
a smile
true love.

This is where I come to forget.
Katelyn Knapp Jan 2015
paused to shimmer in the broken sunlight.
And all I thought was of you.

I’m incoherent?
Well you listen closely:

The world spun past me while my heavy heart reduced all within my grasp, my vision to slow motion
and I stood with my palms outstretched, fingers curled as if holding onto the solace of sanity
The solace of you
The solace of clarity

But what if I’m gone tomorrow, now, baby?
How can you still love me the same?
I need a chance and you need to move on
I know that you’re weak and my body’s to blame

Just give me a moment, a reason to hold on
Let us not abandon this pain
Cause you and I, it’s the good kind, baby
We’re better than this
We’ll make it go away

Can I tell you something?
Something real, something deep—
You make life worth living
Without you I’m lost
and this may be the deepest part of the dark

But I’ll be yours forever, baby
Only as far as forever takes me
Katelyn Knapp Nov 2013
I changed my sheets today -
the ones that smelled like your cologne...
Actually, "tore them from my bed with the ferocity of Midas" may be more appropriate.
Because I couldn't stand to spend one more night pretending as if you were here -
or as if you were ever coming back.

I washed that shirt you wore
You know, my favorite one.
The same one I've slept in every night since you left
just praying to find some morsel of solace
to delay the impending insanity of sleep deprivation.
But just because I could smell you
didn't mean you were there...didn't mean you were real
and I almost started to wonder if you'd been here at all.

I didn't eat today
or the day before that, if I'm being honest.
Food has no taste, no pleasure
without you at the table, fork and knife in hand
ready to devour it - and me.

I went for a walk today
down the street to our favorite spot
and I didn't spend my time wishing you had your arm around me
or wishing you were holding my hand
or wishing that your warmth was pressed against me to help tame the goosebumps.
Or at least I tried not to.
But who am I kidding?

I met someone new today.
He smiled at me and said something forgettable..
then asked me to go to dinner with him next week
and there's nothing I'd like more than to say yes
but still...

After all this time
I know it's your face I would see staring back at me across that table
and your body I would wish for
lying next to me in bed.
Katelyn Knapp Aug 2013
It's days like today
when the sun is shining and the wind blows just a little
that I can't seem to get you out of my head.
But then again, I wouldn't stop thinking about you even if I could.

Yeah, it's definitely days like today
that make me remember our walk in the park...
how we sat there for hours
because we had nothing better to do than to get lost in each other's thoughts.

And as we ran back to our apartment
to become a tangle of legs and lips
you stopped me to kiss my forehead
and whisper,"This is perfect."

Yeah, it's always days like today
that turn into nights like tonight
when the breeze starts getting colder
and I curl into your body
only to find you're no longer there.

It's nights like tonight
that my thoughts become heavy with hurt and regret
and I roll into a ball under my sheets
to protect myself from these memories of you.

It's nights like tonight
that turn into 4 in the morning
and 4 in the morning somehow becomes afternoon.
Yeah, it's definitely nights like tonight
that make me wish we'd never met...
Katelyn Knapp Aug 2013
I think of you through tear-clumped lashes
and down another beer
maybe this 2 a.m. will be different.

I don't want you to see
I just want you to know
that I can't breathe, I can't eat, I can't sleep.
My bed seems empty
and I feel so weak but
I can't think of anyone except you.

These streets
These nights
The dark of the city, the dim of the lights
all remind me of you.

Oh tell me you love me
you need me, you want me.
Lie to me. Now...
just give me one night -
one night of hope and delusion,
one night of sleep
with you lying against my back
and kissing me for sweet dreams.

Then tomorrow...
tomorrow I'll think of you through tear-clumped lashes.
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