Dear Harry,

I see you're doing well these days.
One year later and I still watch as you grin and laugh with your friends.
Sometimes I just grin as well knowing the truth behind the plastic you call a smile.

You once told me that you feel like you don’t belong.
You get a burning in your chest thinking of how awful humanity is and how you wish you were a robot so your brain would match your body.
But when I told you from the anxious walls of my heart that I sort of feel the same but I'm not making a metaphor, I'm transgender
You said that I didn't feel it as intensely as you did so my identity wasn't that important.
I suppose I can tell you now that you became the reason why I agree with you about humanity.

Your face sickens me.
Sort of funny how everyone calls you Harry Potter because of a scar shaped like a lightning bolt on your cheek and it was a big joke and I always laughed because what a coincidence even though I never read the books or watched the movies and now because of you:
I never will want to.

I don’t know if you realise that you’ve shattered me.
Shattered me like the board you can cut in half thanks to years of karate and your hand crafted swords are part of the reason I never crossed you because if I just change myself hard enough maybe you would stop saying you could use them on me if I kept talking about how much I love everything if everything isn’t you.

Sometimes I would wonder if you could hear my knees fighting not to snap in half.
I would wonder if you knew that you are like a hurricane; strong and unpredictable.
And like a hurricane, you came storming and when your thunder rumbled and rain paraded all over me it left nothing untouched.
I could say you're a forest fire but that would make it hot and quick and emotionless.
No, you are a hurricane because hurricanes are wet and windy and raw and wild and it left me drowning.
Unlike a hurricane, your damage can not be fixed with teamwork and donations from those that feel sympathy.
The damage you’ve done is permanent and even with all the repairs I’ve made in the form of therapy sessions and promises that I shall overcome,
I.
I am still in ruins.

You are bitter but not sweet.
But for 17 torturous months I only saw it the other way around.  
Reaching out to try to catch onto something worth fighting for
But this isn’t worth fighting for

Because my hands hurt from writing I’m sorrys.
Because my brain hurts from pushing out reasons you’re not worth it.
Because my soul hurts from fighting the back of my mind that still loves you.
You have rendered me obsolete.

Walking away from the guy I was in love with was probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my seventeen years of life, but I knew it had to be done.

He was ruining me. Over time I slowly began to lose myself, and the longer I stayed with him, the more pieces of myself I lost in the mist of chaos. I was too blind at the time to see that being with him meant extreme sacrifice. It meant being lead me astray from the path I was on to a very different change of course, a course that was not going to lead me to the person I was meant to become. It meant saying goodbye the future I had planned all my life and worked for since I was a little girl. As doors started closing on me I began to see the future I envisioned for myself crumble before my eyes. I realized he was going down a much different path than what I was originally on, and he was dragging me along for the ride.

He was altering the way I saw myself. "What have I become?" I constantly asked myself. I lost all self-understanding and the more I loved him the less I loved myself. I always put him before myself, showing him that I came last. Being committed and doing my best to be the best girlfriend I could be apparently wasn't enough because he still went looking elsewhere. Cheating on me left and right, sleeping around with random girls, and settling for being the one he came back to when he was done ******* around.

He was draining my soul


Now I stand here. Looking in the mirror. I've died on the inside but I am alive. Recovering will take time and it won't be an easy road ahead, but by leaving I gave myself a head start to healing and moving on. I am strong. I'm so proud of myself for leaving him to be honest. I never thought I would and I'm sure he never thought I would either. But I had to. I ******* had to do it for myself.

Relationships are about giving and I can honestly say I gave you everything I had. I gave you my heart and every ounce of love I had in me. I gave you unconditional love and support and I even gave you multiple chances. Everything I did for you came from my heart because I loved you and I would've done anything to show you. All I wanted in return was to recieve the love I gave.

I wanted you. I wanted all of you. But you gave nothing.

He made me feel like I was his
He made me feel owned
He made me feel like I was only there to please him
I was only his trophy wife
He made me look at myself through a fun house mirror
I tried to purge the words he would whisper to me
I tried to burn off the fingerprints he left on my skin

He made me angry
He made me an angry and irritable version of myself
He made me violent towards myself

And it was my fault
It was my fault when he was jealous
It was my fault for not being strong enough
It was my fault for feeling like I had to keep secrets
From the same man who made me violent towards myself
From the same man who hates me when I don't act like his girlfriend
The same man who said "I can change", "I can change", "I can change"

It took three tries push him out the door
It took five tries to burn off his fingerprints
It's been 5 months and I'm still trying to **** out the poison he left me with

Seeds Of light spilled out when they wished to torment the clouds;
Your farewell sooth's me, like a smooth stone leaving its prayer on my fingertips.
Memories whispered somewhere behind the shadows of the moon;
Covered in satin cloths, Bare bones, cold, lying on the floor of an abandoned house.
Falling pointless falling.
I was the house.
Left neglected and unneeded,
Bathtubs, and cigarettes.
Endless misery.
My soul spidering up a thread dampened in the rain; someday.
Once, twice, three times, gone.
Towards emptiness is where I drifted, where what seemed real dissolved in time.
Where we abandoned fake smiles and white walls, for I'm fine and therapy;
Traded warm walls and late night phone calls for Hospital beds, and Medication.
You get used to it, Tubes down you esophagus.
Misery.
That’s all we know; they say I’m crazy.
But when white walls and hospital beds is all that you know, you begin to believe it.
Endless Misery, That’s where you lead me.
Held my hand and turned Rose pedal and kisses into fits of anxiety and bruises.
My knees are bruised now,
And when you've fallen all things hurt.
Then suddenly nothing.
The world doesn’t stop spinning just because you need a break.
Fake smiles, when you've forgotten what happiness feels like, that is all you allow people to see.
But to no avail misery is all that you feel, and all the world will ever allow you to know.
Blank spaces and hallways leading nowhere, someday.
But it seems as though I've forgotten what comfort feels like.
When the world gives you someone that makes you feel special and that is taken away,
It’s like saying "Oops this gift is for someone else".
I cling to what is given to me, because I know to love no other way.
Something about tomorrow seems to torment my soul;
Yet the idea of waking up to someone there makes it okay to hate myself.
I've fallen for a gift that was never mine to hold onto.
Towards emptiness is where I followed you;
Where it seemed okay to be empty because I find comfort in what I know.
Suddenly I've fallen, and have managed to let every piece of me break.
Shattered like fine china.
My knees are bruised now; and I tell myself that being hurt is okay because...
Because...
Because...
NO.
It's not okay but it has become something I've learned to accept.
Falling, Sinking, Drowning beneath all the sorrow I attempt to contain.
That is all I seem to do.
Because: A word used to introduce a phrase or clause expressing and explanation or reason.
You left me with not a single “because”. Now I am shattered glass.
Unfixable, But I manage to pretend.
Walking around with a smile when in reality I want to burst into a puddle.
Yet no one seems to understand,
Because I am only seventeen and it is somehow unfathomable to see that I could have been in love.
"Because" is all I asked for
"Accept that I won’t tell you" is all that you left me.

You ****** me up.
I said it.
You really did.
Before you
I was happy.
After you
I became a train wreck
Full with anxiety.
I forgive you.
I told you how you hurt me
Your excuse?
"You walked away when I needed you the most, so I don't understand how I hurt you"
Excuse me, since when was it okay
To leave a the one you love in a room 24/7 without offering them to go outside at least once?
When was it okay to convince the one you love to leave their family?
Since when was it ******* okay to isolate the person you love from everything they love?
Since when was it ******* okay to make their opinions irrelevant?!
But okay, I'm in the wrong for leaving when you have broken me the most.
But thank you. Thank you.
As much as I want to cuss you out,
And as much as I want to tell you
I forgive you.
You have made me strong.
You have shown me that
I Am a Woman worth more than ******* diamonds!
I matter, and my opinions matter!
My family and my friends matter!
You will no longer bring me down!!!

You used to spell my name with a smiley face in the C.

When I see that you still do sometimes
my heart sinks like a pebble thrown in your favorite lake,

            skipped across the waters surface,

                                         suddenly heavy again

                                                             with gravity and grief.

it's been four months
since you left me
but it hasn't stopped hurting
it doesn't help
that you're dating the girl
who used to be my best friend.
it's been four months
and it shouldn't hurt so much
when i think of you
there have been others since you
but i end it every time
because you made me doubt everyone.
you said you loved me
and heck,
i loved you more than the sun loves the moon
and she sets every night for him.
i loved you with every atom of my being
but it wasn't enough for you.
i hope you're happy
that you ruined love for me
that i can't allow myself to get close to anyone.
i hope you're happy
as you continue to stab the knife into my back
while telling others what a nightmare i was
even though i treated you like you put the stars in the sky.
so please,
get out of my head and heart
you aren't welcome here.

This is never how I planned to spend my youth
Locked in my own fears and shackled to your dirt
Forced to live in (y)our constant mess
Afraid is judgement, yes, but fearing death by your breath
And shaking in your bones and your pine
I twist and turn my aching spine just to catch a glimpse
A glimpse of life outside of these walls a life filled with laughs and falls
But the happiness made up for the scrapes and bruises
While all I had was broken promises
Lost without a will to live I slowly climbed
Reaching higher heights than I've ever seen
I escaped your grasp to land on my feet
And though I'm certainly lonely I'm most certainly not alone
And even though I don't have a being beside me
And I don't have someone to think of before I go to sleep
I now dream of better things.

Things much bigger than you've ever seen.