I see you're doing well these days. One year later and I still watch as you grin and laugh with your friends. Sometimes I just grin as well knowing the truth behind the plastic you call a smile.
You once told me that you feel like you don’t belong. You get a burning in your chest thinking of how awful humanity is and how you wish you were a robot so your brain would match your body. But when I told you from the anxious walls of my heart that I sort of feel the same but I'm not making a metaphor, I'm transgender You said that I didn't feel it as intensely as you did so my identity wasn't that important. I suppose I can tell you now that you became the reason why I agree with you about humanity.
Your face sickens me. Sort of funny how everyone calls you Harry Potter because of a scar shaped like a lightning bolt on your cheek and it was a big joke and I always laughed because what a coincidence even though I never read the books or watched the movies and now because of you: I never will want to.
I don’t know if you realise that you’ve shattered me. Shattered me like the board you can cut in half thanks to years of karate and your hand crafted swords are part of the reason I never crossed you because if I just change myself hard enough maybe you would stop saying you could use them on me if I kept talking about how much I love everything if everything isn’t you.
Sometimes I would wonder if you could hear my knees fighting not to snap in half. I would wonder if you knew that you are like a hurricane; strong and unpredictable. And like a hurricane, you came storming and when your thunder rumbled and rain paraded all over me it left nothing untouched. I could say you're a forest fire but that would make it hot and quick and emotionless. No, you are a hurricane because hurricanes are wet and windy and raw and wild and it left me drowning. Unlike a hurricane, your damage can not be fixed with teamwork and donations from those that feel sympathy. The damage you’ve done is permanent and even with all the repairs I’ve made in the form of therapy sessions and promises that I shall overcome, I. I am still in ruins.
You are bitter but not sweet. But for 17 torturous months I only saw it the other way around. Reaching out to try to catch onto something worth fighting for But this isn’t worth fighting for
Because my hands hurt from writing I’m sorrys. Because my brain hurts from pushing out reasons you’re not worth it. Because my soul hurts from fighting the back of my mind that still loves you. You have rendered me obsolete.