The dampness
of the rainy season
        is soaking into
My bones
And
Into my being

that night,
i was brewing coffee in my favorite mug,
then began knitting another homemade scarf
while soft songs played in the background.

my mind began to wander—
is this the life i chose,
or one that was chosen for me?
this so-called unhealthy relationship...

i wondered:
is he thinking of me, smiling?
or wearing that same blank expression
he always gave
whenever we had another
boring conversation?

i began to ask myself:
have i wasted my time
on something i never truly liked?
have i wasted my years
on something i’ll always regret?

have i wasted my tears
on something i could never hold or reach?
or worse—
have i given up my soul and freedom
for something that never truly existed?

and yet,
i’m still sitting here
with my coffee,
knitting
another useless scarf
i’ll never wear.

My bodies losing the collagen
To keep itself together
And you still want to go camping
And smoke out in this weather

When the sun goes down
And we feel cold
And we need eachother
In a skin to skin hold
Don’t point out my cuts, bruises, and blood
Just kiss my skin and tell me I’m loved.

I'm always worried people hate me
That they see my name in the notification and sigh
That they dread seeing me but feel guilty not to
That they say my name with spite and anger
when telling others about me

I see people and my eyes light up
I think there's do too
They have a bright smile stretched over their face
which I don't even know if it's true
or a false facade to hide their rage

I used to care for little things.
I used to stare at her — for anything.

Her presence — a quiet warmth.
Her beauty, engraved with moral sense.

I searched for her,
Desiring… something.
Like loving summer,
Even when it wasn’t the season.

Why can’t I feel now?
Why can’t I see now?

I lied.
Not to her —
To myself.
Camouflage.
Pretending.
Hiding the real me
Behind polite smiles
And the fantasy
Of her fragrance.

The wind passed.
She didn’t.
And I —
I only needed to breathe
That one moment.
That moment to live,
Not merely pass through.

Why can’t I lie now?
Why can’t I breathe now?

I used to do anything for her.
I used to feel too much.
Sad.
Emotional.
Mad.
Human.

I used to dream of you.
And in dreaming,
I forgot
Which part was real.

Why can’t I be mad now?
Why can’t I be sad now?
Why can’t I dream now?
Why can’t I feel now?

Then — that night.

She stood
On the bow of the boat,
Hair caught in wind,
Hands folded,
Lips soft with mist,
Moonlight whispering on her skin.

The sea slashed the port.
The wind howled through silence.
The stars stood still.

She stepped forward.
Closer,
Closer,
And closer —

Until her breath became words:
“A good dreamer you are,
Beloved.”

Came as a stranger, going like mine,
There wasn't a day that your voice didn't shine,
Life's playin' hard as it does all time,
Your help was unforgettable, truly sublime.
It's all like years but it started only yesterday,
So soon farewell came and you went away,
Even you've gone your bond is always in my way,
As I walked, I learned there's nothing like all day,
Soon or later everyone should face a d-day.
May be our journey was only until the day,
On my way thinking, I weeped at a slow pace.

you wish for someone to understand you
to be by your side
even if he does nothing
just stay there so you don't feel lonely
when world tears you apart
he breath the same air as you do
if he cant do something better
just stay there and do nothing
you always wish for someone
to be there for you with you
and when you find no one
you go on a hunt
to find that one
or you completely abandon yourself
and let devil take over you
either you go see other and heal other
or you see other and hurt other
for if you are a kind one
you will choose the right
or if you are a thorny one
you will lick ones wound
for you think
what happened with you was unfair
so neither you live in ease
neither you let them
you dont let go
and hold your void like
your breaths depends on it

I wanna go camping,
I wanna bring my lizard.
I wanna smoke tons of ****,
As my joints swell in a blizzard.
I never want to explain myself,
To anyone ever again.
I want someone to truly need me,
To truly be my friend.