i hope my thighs
never shrink to the size
i wish they were

where else would my
beautiful furry friends lay?

if anything i hope
my thighs double in size
making more room
for furry friends

My therapist blinks
Once
         Twice
“But you know that’s no good”

I stare thoughtfully
“Yes”

“Yes what?”

Yes, I know how many calories it takes to keep from fainting,
To keep the growling at bay
To stop the cramping
But that doesn’t stop my body from revolting every time I take a bite
It doesn’t keep the calculator from running
It doesn’t make unsafe foods seem safe


Because nothing stops the pain like physical pain. And up until this point nothing has ever felt quite as good as hunger.


“Yes I know I can’t skip breakfast and lunch”

But my bones know the truth.

It's all just numbers, isn't it?
Day by day,
Year by year,
Always counting.

Day by day look at the number on the scales.
Let the caloric calculator count until your head is filled with numbers.

Minute by minute count the seconds it takes for him to text you back.
Let the doubt and fear multiply until your head is full of him.

Term by term let a percentage on a piece of paper define your worth.

Don't we have better things to do than count?

I hate you
But you're a part of me and I don't know what to do

I love you
But you don't make me feel good

I want to leave you behind
And stay strong by myself for once

It's been 6 years
Please give me a chance

Today I cried,
my chest tight
and my heart racing.

My mother just left me home alone,
and my father was at work.

I had the blades sitting right next to me,
and bottles of pills on my desk.

I looked into the mirror,
my stomach flat
and a thigh gap so big.
Yet all I saw was fat,
so much fat.

I puked and puked,
until I couldn't feel anything
until my body begged to stop
until I could barely move.

Then I screamed,
so loud the dogs barked
and my throat was raw.

I punched the mirror,
it shatter under my fist.
just like my heart did when Olli left.

Olli,
he used to be my everything.
he used to keep me safe in my darkest moments.
Now though he hates me.
He no longer wants anything to do with me.

I get though I'm ugly.

i always wanted to be a fairy;
to be small,
skinny,
and free
to be able to fly,
soar through the clouds,
and touch the sun

i longed to be a vampire
so i could be beautifully pale,
survive on liquid alone,
and be asleep all day

i wished to be a zombie
so i didn’t have to eat,
so i could see my ribs,
and just rest in peace

i prayed to be a witch,
or a warlock;
make people see me for me,
and see me as a boy

i just want it all to get better