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Sarah Flynn Oct 2020
I want to recover.
I want to open up in therapy
and take my medication like I should.
I want to feel again.
I want this numbness to end.
I want to, I do.

but for that to happen,
my disorders and diagnoses
would have to go away.
I would be left to face
the real world all on my own.

this safe world that my disorders
have built around me would be gone.
I would no longer feel so
disconnected from my body.
I would no longer feel so
disconnected from the world around me.
my disorders would leave me.

I can’t lose any more friends.
I’m still hurt from those endings
that I never saw coming

and whether I like it or not,
these disorder are my best friends.
I can’t lose them yet.
I’m not strong enough.
Vale Luna Jul 2020
I have always been
too aware of the moon

Weeping because we will never
be closer together
Worshipping the ground
her light walks on
Worrying that her crescent’s point
will stab me in the back

I have never been
good with relationships.
Just got a new diagnosis a few days ago,,,,,,
think I'll make a series
Cassy Jun 2020
I know that sometimes you feel a loss when you remember the salience of your bones when your skin was as thin as paper and you even struggled to drop on a chair.
And I know that from time to time you suffer from the absence of those days when you could look at a filled plate without touching it and call this effort a meal.
And I know you often think about those afternoons when you looked so dead that you held the secret hope that someone would come to resurrect you.

But the truth is, you seem to have forgotten the days when the bruises on your skin scared you and the days when you wiped your ****** mouth wondering if you were really becoming more beautiful. Those days when you were so cold that you couldn't touch anyone without startling them and those days when you couldn't stand up without seeing a multitude of spirals swallowing the world before your eyes.

The truth is, you forget that no one came to save you.

And I realize that sometimes it's still hard and that you’re still fighting, but I can not help but notice that bright glow back in your eyes and how your gestures are firm and your cheeks colored by life. And even if you break so often that you wonder why you should bother to keep rebuilding yourself , let me tell you that putting the pieces together is much more beautiful than the mere thought of you drowning yourself in a flood of alienating negativity once again.
El Dec 2019
I know the fear is all in my head and the dizziness I feel is misleading
I know my heart is pounding does not mean i'm dying
I know the skipped beats are not threatening
I know no one is watching me
I know no one is listening
I know that its not real
I know i'm safe
I know

But

What if its real
What if I am dying
What if i'm having a heart attack
What is the dizziness makes me faint
What if everyone is watching me and noticing
What if everyone can hear the shakiness if my voice
What if my pounding heart in seconds away from stopping

Breathe.
Anxiety disorders are the worse.
Thoughts that go through my head, even though i know they are not real, make it even worse.
Sydney Oct 2019
Cakes, cookies, cheese
Oh can I have them please
Burgers, dogs, fries
I can’t live with all these lies

Friends, fakes, foes
Oh what I’d do for some ** hos
Mascara, lipstick, eyeliner
I wish I was in a greasy diner

Short skirts and high heels galore
I’m starting to look like a *****
They say they’re worried of my composure
They are the reason I changed my figure

Skin and bones they say
But they said I was the size of a sleigh
I did this for them to make them happy
But here I am unhappy and former fatty
If you or someone you love is going through an eating disorder please get help as soon as possible. This is very dangerous.
https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline
mer Jun 2019
She covers the bags under her eyes with a face mask
and her split ends with conditioner,
her bitten ****** nails with pure white polish,
and calls her binge eating "treating herself"

She tells herself it's self care --
pretends she's doing herself a favor
by covering up her pain
so she doesn't have to look it in the face.

But face masks peel off
and conditioner washes away,
those perfect white nails will chip and wear off,
and eating disorders were never a treat
in the first place.
Mari Jun 2019
I don't expect them to sympathize 
I know how twisted it sounds
yet for me
it was my savior 
from the start

From the beginning 
of when I lost myself
when he took me away from myself
when I had nothing else to let go 
or nothing else to willing give away

He broke me
every time I saw him
I lost another part of myself
just when I thought 
he'd already taken everything I had away

This ongoing struggle will forever remain
but as humans
we all suffer
and gradually
we thrive from it
it slowly builds up
a stronger sense of self
using the pain
to create a brighter future
CL Fjell May 2019
Huge round drums beat within my ears
Flood my brain with debate of self hate
I sing my favorite song
They hate my favorite song
Screaming to shut down my mind,
Tempt me to hate my own voice.
It feels like I'm watching my life from-
The outside, and it's a horror show.
I just wish I was young again
Hannah Apr 2019
I am still alive
and that is all I know
about life and the
pursuit of living.
There is no meaning;
afterall.
We are all floating
into space.
I am in one of these
lavender fields
scratching my itches.
I would love to be
tranquilized, for eternity
if not then I do not want
eternity.
The hardest element I have
conquered in life is that
I have always been
fighting the living scrabble
out of myself each minute
to figure out the
ground.
And the dust I was made of- stardust.
The imperialistic house
should be burned
but I would rather
stay here
coated in substances.
More harm, less feel.
Hell is watching the people
you love; suffer.
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