I am still alive
and that is all I know
about life and the
pursuit of living.
There is no meaning;
afterall.
We are all floating
into space.
I am in one of these
lavender fields
scratching my itches.
I would love to be
tranquilized, for eternity
if not then I do not want
eternity.
The hardest element I have
conquered in life is that
I have always been
fighting the living scrabble
out of myself each minute
to figure out the
ground.
And the dust I was made of- stardust.
The imperialistic house
should be burned
but I would rather
stay here
coated in substances.
More harm, less feel.
Hell is watching the people
you love; suffer.

Is there a goal plan for how many miles to run
Before I don't hate seeing myself naked?
Do the months I pay for a gym membership
Get cashed in for a few more nights of feeling worthy
than I normally have?
Is there a sports bra to hold in the cravings?
Or even just to do what its designed to.
I never really understood sports bras.
What diet do I need to go on
so that I can love myself again?

When will I stop feeling okay and start feeling more?

It’s a state of emergency
Lock down is in full effect
Soldiers have been deployed
People are running and screaming
A strong taste of chaos is in the air
The fog is so thick
The sounds of sirens is deafening
I heard someone scream suicide bomber or was it **** invasion
There is nowhere to run, nowhere to hide
Death is imminent and no one is safe

‪People won’t love me unless I’m thin. ‬
‪They say “be happy in your own skin.” ‬
‪But how can I be happy when I’m so fat it’s a crime. ‬
‪I want to be less then a hundred pounds but I know that will take time. ‬
‪It will take time to be beautiful and thin. Then finally I’ll be comfortable in my own skin. ‬

at one point
I couldn’t walk
five metres from
a car to a
hospital door -
way

starved for weeks
until hunger didn’t hurt,
until the numbers
blurred

at one point
I drank *****
out in the street,
drenched in rain

restrained by
two emergency
department security
guards who did not
understand why

I was smashing my
wrist into the
floor

at one point
I drank a pint
of water and made
myself sick

over and
over

rinse
repeat

I tried to die
afraid to live
scared of the
men who lurked
like spectres in
my dreams

they are the
cause of my
pain, of the
letters after
my name

a badge of
insanity

at one point
I hope to want
to live

I don't

2. Think I will

3. Ever stop

4. Counting

5. But I can

6. Learn to live

7. Around the numbers