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Anastasia Sep 5
Killing myself
in the slowest way possible 
wishing I never received his love
I fear love itself now

What has become of me
I hold on to my light of hope
to know my sister still needs me
I need to save her before 
I disappear from the face of this earth

I physically feel unwell
knowing I have
to keep waking up
knowing I can never
trust love ever again

I fear what I’ve become
but I can’t hide myself 
from the realism of it all

He broke me
he loved me
and disposed me
but it's not his fault
people just
fall out of love

So I keep breathing
for the sake of my sister
Anastasia Sep 2
I sabotage myself
because of all this hurt
because I fear no one
will love me ever again

And if they do
it will only be temporary
they will view me as
a burden eventually

I am only a stepping stone for others
who don’t want to
get to know the real
vulnerable yet selfless me

All I hope
is for a better beginning
in the long run
Anastasia Aug 26
Hands shaking from fear
my heart silently shattering

He only loved me and meant well
he cared for me and cherished me
yet I'm still shellshocked
at how we lost everything

Why he kept it from me
why he thought that doing so
meant protecting me

I will never feel free from this
I will always second guess myself
and what love is

I'd give it my all again
if I could turn back time
and embrace him as he is
I'd do all I can to remind myself
he still prioritizes me
and how I should be thankful

My body still shakes
as I write and I recall
all the things I could have been
and should have been and done for him

I regret but I know I shouldn't
this had to happen
to save us both in the long run

He had to stop loving me
for a good reason
he needed to save himself
and I am just glad he did

In return I thank him
for making me resilient
in the long run
Anastasia Aug 25
No matter how much I want to trust
and love again
I feel as if I’m simply
damaged beyond repair
I gave my all

And as if I was merely some shadow
I felt unwanted and unseen
jealousy among other insecurities
the sense of losing everything

All I could do was either believe
everything would be okay
or withdraw from everyone I knew
including myself

I never knew love could
leave such a mark of self-hate and disgust
of terror and disorientation
about what love meant

I fear being loved again
but crave it
gaining the courage to trust
myself to trust again
is like walking on eggshells

Claiming my self worth and love
has gotten me far
yet this permanent fear
in my mind and heart
has already made a home
Anastasia Aug 7
My own mind clouding my sense of self
the terrifying realization 
that I am not enough
the heart-stopping thought
that I'd never completely feel normal

Signs that can feel
mind-fuckingly crippling

The best thing that can be done
is to embrace this as it is

To find security within how I function
but I fear this is the very reason why
I'd always be going in circles
without meaning to

A life wanting to understand myself
and wanting to be understood
Anastasia Jun 2
I don't expect them to sympathize 
I know how twisted it sounds
yet for me
it was my savior 
from the start

From the beginning 
of when I lost myself
when he took me away from myself
when I had nothing else to let go 
or nothing else to willing give away

He broke me
every time I saw him
I lost another part of myself
just when I thought 
he'd already taken everything I had away

This ongoing struggle will forever remain
but as humans
we all suffer
and gradually
we thrive from it
it slowly builds up
a stronger sense of self
using the pain
to create a brighter future
Anastasia May 29
You took away so much
and left me in the dark
without anyone to trust
or any hope to hold on to

You broke me down
and the belief you
engraved within me
changed me completely

As a person I was nothing
just an empty shell
for others to dig into

I’m still feeling my way
through the darkness of you
I’m still a slave to you
I love you
and yet I fear you

You’re my living nightmare
and I hate myself
for wanting to be close to you

You'll have me dead
before I can bring
your unspeakable actions
into the light
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