the screams still echo throughout my head
and they terrify me, the same way they did when i was a child
every once in a while i hear them again
and suddenly

i’m back in the house
haunted by ghosts of memories
my small back
pressed up against the cold door
my little hands were covering my ears
trying to drown out your venomous words

i try and forget these broken memories
and only remember the good
but how am i supposed to do that
when the worst are most vivid?

i saw the back of your head
more than the front
but now i see your face
everywhere i look
guilt shoots pain through my chest
and i’ve never hated myself more
i forgave you, i said i forgave you
i told you i forgave you
so why can’t i shake
these flashbacks of a time
when we weren’t so picture perfect

your death has left my thoughts
a tangled mess in my head
and i can’t seem to unravel the knots
no matter how hard i try

i’ve been turned to ash
to frigid water
that instead of relief
only seems to burn
because now nothing
is how it’s supposed to be
anymore

i should’ve buried these memories
the day we buried you
because there was no point in being angry
i don’t think you knew
how much you hurt me
don’t remember the pain you caused
because it wasn’t you

you were a shell of your former self
a monster fueled by toxins
running through your veins

forgiving you
has been the hardest thing i’ve had to do
but easier
than carrying the weight of a grudge
on my shoulders
i wish i had realized when you were alive

you never apologized for
everything you put me through
i thought it was because you didn’t notice
no one pays attention to the things they don’t care about
and i was positive
you didn’t care about me

forgiving you
was the hardest thing i had to do
but forgiving myself
will be much harder
6/22/2019

Lovely
Crashing
Colliding
Off the rails and
Into the water

The black
Those depths
Known too well
For such young lungs
Sinking to swim

Kicking
Thrashing
Brought to the surface
By a balloon
You never saw that before

Red and love
Don't rise too high
You aren't a bird
You're a trainwreck
Dying to live

Born in the dances of the night
Grew in the playful noises of light
Died and flew into the phantom blue of sky

buzzing bees all around
copying its sound
heart cannot help but pound
voices hum in the background

dizzying gaze so wide
colors swirl in a heavy tide
red and black tickled my side
breathing slowly died

pale skin glitters in the sun
blue skies water halts it's run
patronizing eyes said 'done'
What happened to my loved one?

If you set your bar any lower, you'll be in hell before you even died.

I sit
  and I tried
and I
  almost died..

My mind
  was in
     such a mess...

And then
  I realized..

I could never
  write anything...

As beautiful as you.