Stapled in blue light harmony, I abuse my silence, thinking in a way that could be construed as past tense
Slaved to my sand castles that were taken by waves
I'm a kid on the beach giving way to tourists' enclaves


Seaworthy and daft I **** my own gun, a habit I tell you is nothing but fun
I smoke myself to death on this boat that lies rest to my wake
Waves I've created I tell myself I'm obligated to break


I promise the hinges of my door are stressed for holidays sake, and everybody's got a piece of advice that they need to take
It's always as transparent as wishing on a birthday cake


There is no salvation in my morning slumber, whether I hear birds chirp or horizon rise
Car sounds are just as good of an alibi
As childhood dreams are for validating highs

I didn't mean to
       Throw myself into the dark hole.
But I has succumbed
           myself into an ocean
       mystique ocean, it looks like an ocean
                                       curiousity

Fall, I fell and fell and fell
           I got ****** in
         Vaccummed,
                   I thought I only fell
But bit by bit,
           My body got eaten up
      Bit by bit, black by black
I had been eaten by these noir things.

So hollow. So empty.
                  Can't help
But peer more into this thing
            I fell, going to be trapped soon
    So my eyes followed down
        Gazing, gazing, perhaps m e t o o,
   was gazed by the seemingly eye looking darkness below
              Abyss, down below
I am going to be eaten anyways.
        So why not know what those eyes are.
Watching  me, is it crawling
                   crawling, maybe I'm going to crawl myself too later
       In that dark void, no surface void
                                       There's probably nothing, or more.

Every day, like clockwork
I sit at my desk
with a pencil, paper, and calculator
and I strive to become a better version of
me

I wouldn't expect you to be like me
constantly thinking, working, and calculating
like a self-sufficient machine
that does not stop to breathe

But as every day turned to night
and I sat at my desk
restless,
unlike ever before
I didn't feel like you were there.

The sun would rise and I'm still grinding
This seat will be warm for fifty hours
before my day will fade to
black.

I'd invite you over for lunch
so that I could get a chance to talk to you
and let you know how much I love you
and that even in this life that I'm living
I will never forget about you

But every day, you'd go away
and run into the arms of
intoxication
and with every hit you took
the girl that I knew slowly faded away
like a watercolor painting in the rain.

And as time goes by
I realized that as I work like a robot
I'm still only human
I only have so much energy
and I can't keep doing this anymore

With every hour that goes by
I see that my brain is failing me
and what should be an easy task
has now been rendered impossible.
I'm losing my mind.

And all the while,
as I frantically try to learn with maximum efficiency,
Still in the back of my mind I think about you.
But they aren't happy thoughts anymore
I just think about what you were and what you are

How am I supposed to be
everything that they want me to be?
How could I be a machine
and a loving human simultaneously?
How could this be the way to happiness
when I'm dragging on rock bottom?

How could you sit there and watch me die
and come back in the morning to yell at me?
How could you go away and get high every day
and then come back and lie to me?
and how could I let it all happen?

Every single time I wake up
after a rare period of slumber
I think to myself
I can't wait to be unconscious again
when I cannot think or feel

If I want to be the best version of me
I have to cut the anchor
The anchor that has held me down,
the anchor that is
you

How can I fall asleep when I have nothing to look forward to tomorrow?
I'm the walking dead drowning in my own sorrow.
When will this nightmare end? I'm sick of pretending everything's all good.
Maybe when I wished for an interesting life I misunderstood.
  I've been counting my blessings for so long. Nothings changed, I'm growing weary. It's draining me to be strong. This pain in my chest never leaves. I wonder if it,ll ever leave? I used to be happy. Now I'm questioning everything I believe. I fake a smile as I'm close to tears, I'm screaming but nobody hears.

   You've left me stranded in the dark, not knowing where to turn. Thought I could depend on you. The memory of you is now burned. I've been wandering the same road for so long. Searching for rest and a place to call my own. My body's tired from the weight of everything I'm carrying. The sun now slowly rising, mesmerized my eyes are open and that I'm still conscious. Walking on in the bright horizon.
    A new day has just begun and it's time for me to swallow my pride and go on with the show. Even if I'm hurting from head to toe. Been climbing this mountain for so long. Fighting to make it over without falling back down. I haven't truly lived in a while, for as long as I can remember its only been survival. Been trapped in this precipice which felt like forever, until along came September...

   Finally something to hold onto. It felt like eternity since I've had some normalcy like waking in a bed. How I missed the feeling of a place to rest my head. Everything seemed better until your malicious endeavors made it hard to breathe. I would ask myself every night as I cried myself to sleep, when will there finally be peace?
   Trying to move ahead is easier said than done. I end up feeling stuck instead. Your words cut me like a knife. You've made it clear you'll always be number one and I'll always be next to none...

My mind wanders,
As my body longs to stay put,
To sleep,
Load the batteries up

My depression stops by to say hi,
Remind me of everything hard,
Tells me I'm not good enough,
That nothing matters,
Or make sense anyway

As I try to close my eyes,
Forget the pain,
And break through the chain,
I'm chained so hard that I can't get through...

I can't breathe properly,
I can't close my eyes,
I can't relax,
I can't smile

All I can is cry,
Feel hopeless,
Scared,
Worthless,
Alone,
Dead.

"What's the point?" goes on repeat in my head,
I try to make it stop
But it won't shut up,
It won't leave me alone.

It makes me wonder how you know,
How you can,
And why you always want to bring me down.
You come to me in my weakest moment,
When I can't escape,
When there's nowhere to hide,
Noone to hug,
Noone to confide in.

Why do these moments never stop?
Why will it continue in an evergoing everlasting loop?

You tell me there is so much to live for,
As I try to see it,
Try to break free,
The chain holds me captive in my own negativity,
It feeds me just more and more,
Till everything I see, feel and hear is darkness,
Everything I breathe is poison, everything I eat is death and everything I drink is blood.

Only love can save me now,
But then again, what is really love?
What is love? Real love?
How do you know?
"If you know, you know" they say
But is it for everyone?

These are the nights that ****** my being,
The nights that make me lose all hope I ever collected,
The nights that make me lose my will to survive,
The nights that **** me.

I have had better nights and probably will,
If not these nights take over,
Then I don't know if I'll be able to see the light
that awaits in the other end,
Because when all you feel, see, hear is darkness, how can you imagine to feel, see, hear the light?
And how can you be able to wait when your current state is unbearable?

Tonight I just can't sleep,
I can't shut off and dream,
I can just lay awake and feed on misery,
Just one of those nights...
Those nights that are all dark,
not just because the sun is gone,
But hope and all life too.

I need someone to come save me from the darkness.

A thought, off the top o' my head--
't rings aloud like the crack o' thunder,
then 't bangs around, and 'tis no wonder
I'll get no sleep 'til I am dead!

The tremendous ache,
the pounding pain,
an evil, Abel-less, headly Cain,
a godless, disastrous, Earthless quake--
I'd just like some sleep!

"Rise, my body" calls out my brain,
"we've got t' write all o' this down!"--
but yet, still a clamor at my crown.
A pen and pad I 'wake t' grab,
Then my thoughts go down the drain!

Int' the cabinet t' pinch a pill,
I take 't with juice,
relax and loose,
and wait for the pain to finally ****.

Off t' sleep just one more time,
then another thought my mind comes to,
I whisper t' myself "oh, shoo! shoo! shoo!"
but it stays, it stays-- such a tragic crime!
I'd just like some sleep!

“You have a lot of pride,” my sister said,
Like always, she cannot tell what’s missing.
My sister, college-fled and parent-led,
You never saw the discomfort lurking.
I ache for the dawn and pray for the end,
Because it’s times like these where I can’t think.
Solitude taught (with me I can’t contend)
That night waits for me, in darkness I sink.
I’m weak and sorry to those I befriend –
Dear God!  I pray for blissful rest and peace,
And something for my worried heart to mend.
I’d take a quiet mind, even for lease.
                Hush my tense thoughts and please banish my fright,
                I just want to make it all through the night.

There is a fever burning in my brain.
My thoughts awhirl, they fly too fast for me;
Ill-kept madness that I cannot contain,
Locked in mine skull, I keep hearing its pleas.
I can’t sit still, see my mind’s yet in flight,
Scorning earthly tethers it will be free.
In moody hatred and with petty spite,
It will the world condemn with fire and glee.
No regrets – Bring them, I will fight them all.
I don’t have an explanation for this,
My hate, once free, rises like bitter gall.
Laughter cries in the crannies of this bliss.
          For morning’s tender kiss my madness begs
          With sleep to scrape aside the addled dregs.