you meet someone on accident,
wether they were in your freshman year calc class, or you ran into them at the grocery store
something about them draws you in
maybe it's their radiating smile, or their intoxicating eyes
they find a way to make your lips curve up in the happiest way
you start talking to them
this person makes you laugh,
they make you smile for the first time in a while
they start to become special to you
your interactions start increasing until you two are closer than ever
you have told them things you thought you'd never be able to admit
your long talks take hundreds of pounds off your shoulders
you don't feel trapped anymore
happiness can't help but flow through your veins
but after you've hit this peak, things will start to change
you won't talk as much anymore
your laugh will start to become weaker
that smile won't be as bright
their radiating eyes lose that certain effect on you
your talks become shorter and less meaningful
soon enough you will talk for the last time, but you won't realize it at the time
one day you will part like you usually do,
but that will be the last time
your calls will become vague, until they are nonexistent
you won't talk anymore
you won't effect each other anymore
and you won't think about each other anymore
you go back to your daily lives,
until you find someone new
and even then, the cycle continues.

They shall recall
fragments of you.
Your past.
Your future.
Biding farewell
at the darkest hour.
There you lay
with roses tinged white,
a sight, like art.
And in static handwriting,
your name
be drizzled, in soft italics,
delicately, like craft.
They mumbled
Au revoir.
The voices of the living exhale,
in echo with the relief—

You lived,
have lived,
unforgotten.

This is it.
Exactly what I said.
This is where I turn and run.
I should’ve known.
You warned me.
You told me what you were.

God I’m so ******* stupid.
I put you on this pedestal that I was too afraid to climb.
I painted this picture in my mind of who you were supposed to be.
Made you what I need.
I was content.
I was safe.
You were perfect.
I’m awake.
I expected too much from you.
I set you up for failure.

I get it now.
You were right.
I was scared of hurting me.
Not you.
I lied.
Right to throw up those walls.
They wanted to

crumble

so

fast

to let you in.
Let you see this part of me so I could be free.
Now look at me.
Falling to my knees with your hands around my wrists telling me to get up.
Please.

I’m a ******* fool.
What a ignorant naive shambling corpse crawling around toward the first ray of light.
A ******* fly fumbling toward a bulb believing it was the sun.
Oh how I crashed into that glass.
What a pitiful ***** so ******* feeble frail and forceless I can’t even stand on these legs made of ash.

I’m not mad at you.
I’m mad at myself for letting myself do this
to me.
To us.
It’s my fault.
I shouldn’t have deceived you into thinking I was stronger than I was.  
You can have it all.
My empire of dirt.

It’s okay.
The loneliness.
He’s always has been there.
He is singing to me and holding me
while I fall asleep.
The song.
It’s so morose but beautiful.
He welcomes me back with open arms.
“Come here” he says.
“I’ll never let you go”

I tried to tell you.
It’s too hard to truly love someone like me.
And just as I predicted.
The numbness is taking me.
Too strong to fight back.
It’s climbing down my throat.
It’s okay.  
I’m choking.

It’s not your fault.
I did this.
Just like I said.
It’s sad though.
I just wanted a bit more time.



This all sounds really stupid.
Just another ****** attempt to articulate the feelings I have no control over.
Sorry.
This is me.
Just a walking talking damaged shell.

But It’s gonna be okay.
Because I’m still weak.
I’m still pitiful.
I still need you.
Yes.
The cycle continues.