Sometimes I have no clue
Bout where my life is heading to
Sometimes everything seems plain obscure
And it just doesn't come to me to see what I need to
I'm so full of thoughts
But I can't find the right words
I am the picture of loneliness
Or so I think
I badly want to talk about it
But I don't tell all even to the closest one
What is it that is happening ?
Have my worst fears come true ?
Is it love that has come ?
Or is this some sort of wild despair ?
That's caught hold of me.

I only fear the day
When you see me the way I do...
Then will every single thing be put into place
And fit into its assigned space.
Your deductions may be right or wrong
But they'll sure hold some truth

I keep telling myself that it's not what I think it to be
I keep acting like a despo
That whole stupid side of me
That's meant to be hidden is all brought out into the open
For me and me alone to see and relish.

Oh ! It's too confusing
And, man, isn't it complicated too ?
Am I drunk or what ?
I feel both high and low

"Leave me alone thoughts !" I say
"Just ******* gimme a moment."
"And emotions, you all **** at timing !"
"You're possibly the meanest on Earth."

Every little thing, every little event
Every little laughter, every little gaze
Adds to the pain
Only effing adds to the already high pile of **** accumulated.

One minute I laugh, next minute I cry
You can't even fathom what's going on inside me
A hell lot of crap to be dealt with
I only hope it's not just me.

Is it or is it not ?
That's gotta be the eternal question
Who's eternal answer is the elixir of life
God be ******, I'm so confused rn.

Wish I could die and rot away
Like what the heck is this ?
Hell's better, underworld's calmer
Than my stormy heart.

There's nothing that could calm it
It's all a mess
One Big Mess - this is official.
I'm done with all this, done with the world
Done with everything forever.

i lost 5 pounds,  am i skinny enough yet?
i used that lipstick you told me to use, does it look good?

i bought those new clothes everyone wears,  do i look cool enough?
i join the cheer team to fit in more, do they like me yet?

i had *** with that popular guy, am i breaching my adolescence
i started smoking ***, am i a cool enough stoner yet?

i started wear a full-face of makeup, am i attractive enough yet?
i shrunk my waist 5 inches, am i more desired now?

i started skipping school, am i fitting in with the status quo?
i started sneaking out, am i risky enough?

i got my nose pierced , is it edgy enough?
i dyed my hair to the blonde white you have it. so we can match?

i keyed that girls car who's such a freak, is that more acceptable
i bullied that girl and she killed herself, wasn't she such a freak?
__________________­_

im in the hospital now i lost too much weight
i ended up failing school for so much
im in debt for all the clothes i bought

the popular guy ended up getting me pregnant
i got arrested for keying her car and threatening her
my hair ended up falling out from all the bleach

my organs are shutting down from all the weight loss
i ended up addicted to drugs
my face now breakouts from all the products i used

i ruined my parents marriage by sneaking out and lying
i joined the cheer team and ended up trying to fit in
im currently dying ,  do i fit in enough yet?

So much things to say
So much things to do
So much to feel
And not much at all
Too much
But
Too little

Am I selfish?
For asking more
To feel
To be felt
To see
To be seen
To speak
To be heard
To matter

Am I a narcissist?
For hoping so much out
Of love
Of perfection
Of attention
Of life

Too much but too little
Time to do
To prove myself

Too much but too little
Things to say
To make things
Go my way.