she’d like to ignore
everything that she feels,
to realize her worth
and what she deserves,
but what can someone do
if the heart tells otherwise?

Liars & Hell.

Deep Down,
We all know a story.

When we speak:
it's not the one;
we tell.

keep it there,
keep it rare,
stay square,
don’t you dare.
I am aware I must beware.
in this love affair with a debonair
who is light and flare

I felt a tear
in past despair
but I can’t compare to then and there
only here and now.
do I care?
I do declare.
my mind is everywhere.
I wish I could just be unaware
in my underwear with out a care.

when you’ve been in captivity so long,
you forget what outside looks like.
you start to make yourself comfortable in your cage;
it starts to feel like home.

when the door becomes unlocked and you have the chance to leave...
you hesitate.
outside is scary,
it is not a place you are used to.
it is not a place you can call home.

sadness is like that cage, and i, its prisoner;
the lock is broken and i can leave anytime i want,
so why do i still linger here?

i am not comfortable being happy.
it used to be something i craved, something i longed for everyday...
to finally feel the sun on my skin and have it mean something.

but i am at home here.
here in the darkness,
in the cage i have grown to love.
a cage that is mine and mine only

for so long i thought i just wanted to be happy.
i glorified it, the contentment.
i thought once i achieved it everything would be okay,
i never expected myself to want to run away from okay.

but here i am.
i do feel happier than i have in a very long time,
but i feel uneasy,
i feel insecure,
i feel unstable.

joy is like an undiscovered country for me and i am experiencing culture shock.
i feel like a fraud,
an outsider trying to blend in...
but i don’t know the mannerisms,
i don’t know the language,
i don’t know how to exist in this world.

i look forward to the day that i am truly at ease.
when my feelings exist in harmony, instead of against one another.
when i can build a new life in my bliss,
and have a new place to call home.

You searched high and low, far and wide,
But never did you realise,
That what you needed was in front of your very own eyes.

People always ask what it was about him that made me keep going back. Honestly, I couldn’t even give myself any good reason why, maybe one being I thought I really loved him. This question often gets brought up and they always end it with “I don’t understand” or “I just don’t get it”. I explain it like this. You know when you love something so much you learn to hate it, but as much as you hate it you feel like you can’t get rid of it because that’s what’s so normal in your life and if it’s gone you’ll have nothing else.

I loved blindly  never once caring about the odds against our love
Took me for granted when you found her
Did you even ever love that I loved you
My love for you was authentic
It still is up to now
But your indecisiveness is also still there
Do you want me or her?
Don't even answer
I've made up my mind
I love you  but letting you go
Is one of the strongest decisions
I've ever made
I don't belong to you
And I   never will
Or maybe time  will tell
If I was to be yours still

I'm not ready, I'm not prepared, the thought of little pitter patters makes me scared..... The thought of labor, the thought of pain, makes me want to run the other way!
Am I expecting, or am I not, not knowing for certain has my stomach in knots..... what if I am, what if I'm not, having someone call me momma is one crazy thought!